Until It's Gone
by Tina Chaves1
Summary: Ross agreed to Emily's request for him never to see Rachel again. A year later, things have changed.
1. Chapter 1

**Until It's Gone**  
by Tina

- - -

"You know how you told me I should do whatever it takes to fix my marriage?"

"Yeah, I told you to give Emily whatever she wants."

"And while that was good advice, you should know that what-what she wants..." He trailed off, questioning if he had the strength to go on, to make this official.

"Yeah?" She encouraged him to go on.

"...is for me not to see you anymore." He finally finished.

"That's crazy! You can't do that!" She said in a Rachel kind of way, smiling. It only broke him even more. "What are you going to tell her?" He went silent and adverted his eyes from hers, quietly giving her an answer. Her face fell, remembering the other night at his apartment. "Oh my God. Ohh, you already agreed to this, haven't you?" She raised both hands to her chest, the way she did when she was overemotional.

"It's awful, I know." He chuckled nervously. "I mean, I feel terrible but I have to do this if I want my marriage to work. And I do, I have to make this marriage work. I have to."

He took one step forward, towards her, but she backed away, still in shock. She looked away, completely lost.

A silence that seemed to drag forever followed.

"But the good thing is we can still see each other until she gets here." He said, in vain hope that it would make her feel better, that maybe it would swipe that look off her face.

She turned to look at him again, gasped and clapped her hands together. He knew it was either that or jumping for his throat.

"Ohh! Lucky me! Oh my God! That is good news, Ross! I think that's the best news I've heard since Le Poo died!" She faked excitement, but the raising of her voice gave away her anger.

He just watched her, devastated. He didn't want to hurt her.

"You have no idea what a nightmare this has been. This is so hard." He said.

"Oh yeah, really? Is it Ross? Yeah? You really think so? I'll make it a whole lot easier for you, then. Get out."

"What?"

"Get out, Ross, I don't wanna see you anymore!"

"What? But Rach-"

"Just go, Ross! You're not gonna see me anyway, so what difference does it make now, huh? Please, leave!"

He watched her and saw the way her eyes started glistening with tears. It would be impossible to reason with her that moment, he knew that. So he hung his head low and left the apartment.

As if not seeing Rachel wasn't torturing enough, having that as the memory of their last encounter was unbearable. She refused to see him again after that and he didn't blame her.

After the fight, a conversation with Monica had revealed to him his ex-girlfriend's fear of not only losing him, but everyone else, the entire life she had built over the last few years, over it. The fact he was the one related to Monica and had been Chandler's college roommate led her to believe she was eventually going to be phased out, as had been Chandler's former roommate Kip. And so, trying to make things a bit easier for her, he had agreed to move to the other side of the city with his new bride Emily, who had finally got around with the idea of moving back to New York after her husband's decision to oblige to her request.

Now, almost one year later, he barely had news of her. He only talked to his sister on the phone about once a week and managed to see her and Chandler - whose relationship had grown into more than friendship since they came back from London - about once a month. Joey and Phoebe had joined them a few times, but Ross could sense their discomfort clearly. In a way, it was for the best, he figured, for he was way too ashamed of himself to look at his friends in the eyes, most of the time. Once Monica had explained to him just how devastated Rachel had been and how it had affected both Joey and Phoebe, as well as the whole group. So he had stopped asking about her, more and more scared of what he might hear. Whether she was sad, whether she was happy, the answer would only break his heart.

Yet, it didn't stop him from thinking about her.

The passion of their last fight had only triggered more feelings and thoughts of her. Of their past, of their plans for the future. Of what an amazing woman she had grown to become over the years. Of how he used to adore her when they were together, and how he loved her when they broke up. These thoughts came at unplanned or even unexpected and inappropriate times. He often thought of her during long lectures at the museum, on the long way home back from work and undoubtfully every time he made love to his wife.

It was building up, each new thought intensified the former and added up to something that was now taking over him. How could he ever imagine he could live without her like that? And what hurt the most was to realize that it wouldn't have been half as painful to separate from Emily. Yes, he realized he had made a big mistake, now. A rushed marriage like theirs was doomed to failture, they didn't know each other well enough to say they wanted to live the rest of their lives together.

But, in a way, he could now understand what had driven him into this whole mess. He remembered his relationship with Rachel, his terrible fear of losing her mixed with his enormous insecurity. He so badly wanted her to be his wife, to be together forever, yet a part of him couldn't bring himself to propose. He loved her too much to risk ever hearing a "no". She had, after all, only a few years before left a man at the altar. The rational side of him knew the difference between himself and Barry, Rachel herself had told him about a million times how much she loved him and how she never really loved her fiance. But the insecure side of him spoke louder most of the time, eating away the sense in him.

So after the break up, a hard knock down that would still take him a lifetime to fully recover from, there was Emily. It was easier to hold on to her, to grab her with both hands and take chances. If she said no, it wouldn't hurt as much. Nor nearly as much.

He knew letting go of Rachel wouldn't be easy. But a tiny part of him really believed - while the rest simply hoped - that his new marriage would help him through it, that maybe it would make up for the loss of Rachel. Obviously he had underestimated his love for her. He knew it was big, but he was now blown away by the magnitude of it. Maybe what they say it's true; You don't know what you've got until it's gone.

---

Saturday night, Emily was finishing making dinner while Ross lazily set the table for two. As he set the last fork down, she approached with their lasagna. In silence, they took their seats and served themselves. After a minute or two, he picked up the remote and turned the TV on, as they did every night for the past three months or so. Emily watched it, emotionlessly. Both quietly ate until their plates were clean and their stomach's full. She stood up and grabbed the dishes.

"Don't worry about them, I'll wash everything." He said.

"Thanks"

She still gave herself the trouble to take everything to the sink and splash some water on it.

She took a deep breath and re-joined him in the living room.

"Ross?"

He tore his eyes away from the TV.

"Yeah?"

She looked at him for a long time.

"I uh... I don't think there's an easy way to say this." She paused. "I want the divorce."

---

Two weeks had passed. Just the night before, Emily had gone back to England, while the paperwork had already been filled. The rest would be up to the lawyers from now on. Ross sat on the dining room table, all by himself. He looked at the phone and figured maybe it was time to start telling people. Well, at least his sister, with whom he had already spoken to twice since Emily's decision, yet he hadn't had the strength to say anything about it. It was a defeat, one too strong for him to admit so easily. He had given up so much in name of this marriage and for what? A short - yet so long - year later there he was, absolutely alone.

He swallowed hard, he had to do this. Hitting rock bottom would, hopefully, finally give him the support to climb back up again. Plus, Monica... Well, Monica might have something to say about, hm, about her. Now Emily wasn't standing in the way anymore, so he could see her again, they could all see each other again. He could move back to the village and act as if nothing had ever happened.

He took a deep breath. He knew things weren't easy like that, but maybe he needed some illusion to help him through the beginning.

He picked up the phone and dialed the number.

"Hello?" Monica answered.

"Hey, Mon?"

"Ross?"

"Yes, hey, how are you?"

"I'm good, just about the same. What about you?"

"Great!" He said, getting carried away.

"Good."

He went silent and so did she. He took a deep breath.

"Actually, no, I'm not so great..."

"What happened?" She asked, curious.

"Emily went back to England."

Small silence.

"What do you mean?"

"We've filed for a divorce."

"Oh." Small silence. "Wow." She continued. "I'm so sorry, honey."

"Hm, yeah..."

"How did this happen?"

"Well, things weren't going so well for a while now... It's not that we fought much, we barely even spoke to each other these days. We've rushed into this marriage. What were we thinking?"

"I guess you weren't."

He broke down into tears, finally. He really needed it.

"I've given up so much for this, Mon." He sobbed.

Monica sighed.

"I know, honey."

"I was so stupid. What's gonna happen now?"

"It's gonna be OK. It's gonna take some time, but it's gonna be OK."

He wanted to ask about her. It was time to know what had happened to her over the last year and figure out a way to mend things. The divorce would take his wife away from him, but now it could bring back the love of his life.

He parted his lips, but the words wouldn't come out. He had screwed it up too badly. Many times he had felt as if Monica were on her side. She got uncomfortable whenever he tried to talk about her and even hostile if he insisted. He couldn't blame her.

"I'm gonna go now, Mon. Thanks for listening."

"No problem. Do you want some company right now? I could come over."

"No, I- I'll be OK. Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow though, OK?"

"Of course. I love you, Ross, take care."

"I love you too."

They hung up.

Ross wiped his tears away. Damn it, there was so much he wanted to tell her. He had an idea. He went into his room and grabbed some paper and a pen. Back in the dining room, he took his seat and got to work, impulsively writing down everything he wanted to say to her. He didn't know what he would do with the letter after it was done yet - it could easily turn into ashes when it was finished. However, he felt like he needed to get it all out, whether it would eventually find its way to her or not.

---

He knew she had recently moved into Joey's apartment, after Chandler had moved in with Monica. And, if her routine was still the same, he calculated she would be leaving the building on her way to work any time now. On the sidewalk, holding a cup of coffee on one hand and a newspaper on the other, he couldn't help but feel like a stalker. He didn't really care, though. He was filled with much anticipation of seeing her for the first time in so long. Too long. In his mind, he remembered how beautiful she was and wondered if maybe his brain was playing tricks on him. No one could be that flawless.

Their past, however, had been just the same. Five minutes apart and he questioned whether she was really all that he remembered. And one second together reminded him that yes, she really was. She was everything to him.

The door opened and she stepped out. Ross held his breath.

She was stunning in her well put together business outfit. Her blonde hair was down and the morning wind blew it on her face. She used her free hand - the other was holding her beautiful briefcase, a gift from Ross himself a few years before - to brush it away and then to hail a cab that drove by. He watched it as she drove by - oblivious to him - not noticing any recognizable emotion in her. It had all happened so fast. He exhaled, not noticing he had been holding his breath the entire time.

A couple of seconds later, he looked down and took a deep breath, walking up to the building. He was about to buzz Monica and ask her to let him in when the door opened and a distracted couple came out. Before the door could close, he put his foot on its way and held it open. He watched it as the couple went down the stairs to the sidewalk, too into each other to notice anything. He snapped out of it, it was not the time to surrender to that pang of envy. He walked into the building. In the hall, he approached the mailboxes and searched for apartment 19's. As his eyes found it, he approached.

He stood in front of it for what seemed like an eternity. He retrieved the letter from his inner suit pocket and stared at it. With a sigh, he slipped the letter inside and left.

---

This story won't be very long, I believe. Just a few things that run through my head sometimes and that I wanna expose, really. The initial idea was to have a series of conversations between them, but I felt like developing it a bit more so that the silence might also be appreciated and play an important part. The inspiration from some of this chapter, and it should be noted, was taken from Bree and Rex's relationship in the first season of "Desperate Housewives" (back when the show was good). This was Ross' chapter, next one will be Rachel's. I know the "scenes" are short, but I don't wanna ramble when I don't really have to, you now? And uh... I don't know, please review so I might have an idea what you think of this so far, please :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Until It's Gone**  
by Tina

- - -

"So, how's it going living with Chandler?" Rachel asked best friend Monica as they made their way out of Central Perk and towards their building.

"Good, pretty good."

"So what did you decide to do with my room after all?"

"What do you think?"

Rachel smiled, knowing her friend too well.

"Guest room, I guess."

"Yeah, baby!"

Rachel laughed.

"Hey, what about you? Is it too weird living with Joey?"

"Oh no, it's been wonderful. You know how supportive he's been the past year or so... Plus, with Joey I don't have to worry about leaving crumbs around the apartment or staining the couch!"

"No wonder we never hang out at your place."

Rachel shot her a playful look. They reached the entrance and walked in.

"Let me just check the mail, God knows Joey always forgets it and hell, we've got bills to pay."

"Sure." Monica stood by as Rachel emptied her mailbox. "Hey, wanna come over and hang out for a while? I've got leftover from the restaurant and Chandler's busy tonight. We could watch a movie and make it a girl's night."

Rachel smiled at her.

"Sure."

They started walking towards the stairs as Rachel checked the letters. Bills, bills, bills... Some stuff for Joey and- Rachel held her breath. His handwriting. Her sole name written on a white envelope. Rachel looked up at an oblivious Monica and then back down at the paper. Maybe it was her duty as the best friend to notify it to her, but... Things had been so messed up lately, she didn't want to involve her friend yet again in their little drama. The gang had been bothered enough by it as it was. Rachel took a deep breath, anxious to know what was inside it.

"You know what, honey? I'm not feeling very well, I think I'm just gonna call it a night."

"What's wrong?"

Rachel knew she must've been looking pretty bad, she was very shaken up. She couldn't help it.

"Nothing's wrong, I'm just a little tired. Hm, and a headache just hit me now."

"OK. You sure though? 'Cause you could take something and we could skip the movie, I'd could still make us dinner..."

"Sorry, honey, I... I just wanna go to bed now, I'm not really hungry. Thank you, though."

"Well, OK." They reached their floor and stood between both doors. "I'll talk to you tomorrow then."

Rachel nodded.

Once in her room, Rachel threw everything onto the bed and took a seat herself. She looked at the letter, this time somehow afraid. She set it down and searched for a shoe box underneath her bed. She picked it up and opened it. It was her "Ross box", filled with items that brought up many memories of the guy she once thought would make her the happiest woman in the world. The happiest fiancee, the happiest wife and, someday maybe, the happiest mother. From inside, she pulled out the letter which had arrived just the week before. Slowly, she opened it and sulked into the words yet again. She felt the need to relive it yet again before she could read the new one.

Just as the second letter, it was stuffed into a plain white envelope, her name written outside in black ink, left inside her mailbox. It was five pages long, front and back - not nearly as big as Rachel's letter to him at the beach house, but it was still worth the mention in his, on a desperate attempt to lighten up the mood of such a heavy load of words. She unfolded them and stared at the tear stained paper - a contribution from both her and Ross. She ran her eyes through it again, as she had done so everyday since its arrival - sometimes up to five times a day.

His sorry, heartfelt words. The regret, the pain, the illusions. She had thought about calling him, but she was way too scared. She had hurt too badly to simply forget all about it. But then again... She shook her head, it just wasn't his fault. What hurt her the most wasn't him, it was herself. It was the regret of not handling their relationship properly, of taking him for granted. She had been so immature after their break up. She figured some of it was excusable, she was allowed to mourn the end of their romance, after all. But, after the beach house, whatever she did to him was inexcusable. The long letter had only been the beginning of a series of mistakes she deeply wished she could take back.

She wiped her tears again after finishing reading the letter again. She was now ready for the new one.

It was lighter than the first. She pulled a single page out of it and unfolded it.

_"Is it too soon?"_

She wiped more tears away and folded it again. With shaky hands, she placed it back into the envelope and gave herself some time to cry.

The past year had been a nightmare. Never before in her life had Rachel had to deal with the feeling of insecurity. She had been his dream for such a long time. They had lived so many beautiful moments together - or, well, or so she had believed, anyway. Every second they had spent together, whether as friends, whether as lovers, had always meant the world to her. He had meant the world to her, probably even more than the rest of the gang combined. And yet, he never believed that. It hurt her that he never believed it when she said she loved him, that she didn't want anybody out there but him. That he had nothing to worry about with Mark because she already had the one man she would ever want.

His insane jealousy told her, he didn't believe any of it. It used to infuriate her, but after Emily... It just...

Rachel sighed.

Emily. Maybe a curse, maybe a blessing, who could tell? After her arrival everything had changed, ignorance had lifted.

Only a few weeks together and she already was Ross' bride. Not only that, he had agreed to have Rachel out of his life simply to suit her, when he'd known her for ridiculously small period of time. It really hurt to know that in those short few months he already loved her more than he had ever loved Rachel, who had years in advantage. So, what she thought that had been absolutely heavenly, hadn't been all that to him, after all. If he was willing to trade it for someone he hardly knew, it was clear it never meant to him all the much it had meant to her.

The memories she used to think that were adored by both parts were now, apparently, only hers to cherish. It took away half the beauty of it, for it hurt too much for her to think about it in these conditions.

Shaken up by the turn of events, Rachel had taken a long time to recover. Her friends had played a very important part, giving her space when she needed and comfort when she was ready to welcome it. At first, she dove into work to try and forget her troubles, only to come home at late nights and cry herself to sleep. She couldn't accept the fact that the one person whose feelings for her she had never doubted - even through the whole mess with Chloe - had given her up. It gave her a huge sense of instability, one that Monica, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler were still working on mending.

But if that was the way he really felt, she couldn't blame him. That's how life goes, right? She couldn't blame him for following his heart. She just had to accept her defeat, she couldn't win all the time.

She looked at the first letter and took a deep breath.

_"...I never meant to hurt you, Rachel, please believe me. You've always been one of the most important people in my life. The past year has been the hardest I've ever had to endure, I can't live knowing you're so mad at me..."_

It had been a whole year ago. She was in a much better place now, she was finally - honestly - happy again. Yet, she felt like she still had too much of this to deal with. She had pushed it all aside at some point, thinking it wasn't the time for it just yet. There was only so much she could deal with at the time, by herself. Maybe the right time had come. It was time to face the final demons and get closure from this awful feeling. She grabbed her cellphone and dialed the number she had once secretly copied from Monica's address book.

"Hello." Came his voice from the other side.

Rachel went silent for a while.

"Hey, Ross."

He went silent himself.

"Rachel?" He asked softly.

"Yeah, hi."

"Hey, I- I take it that you've got my letters."

"Yes..."

Small silence.

"So, is it? Too soon, I mean?"

She looked down, uneasy.

"I don't know..."

"Can you meet me for dinner tomorrow at Nadine's? We should talk, in person." He suggested.

"Sure, OK."

"Meet you there at eight?"

"Alright."

"Thank you, Rachel." He said, meaningfully.

She went silent, not knowing what to say, but not wanting to hang up just yet.

"Hm, OK, I'll see you there, bye."

She hung up before he could say anything else.

---

Hm. It's way shorter than I expected, but I didn't want to get to their dinner just yet. Now, the most important thing in this story will be the dialogues between Ross and Rachel, which explains why I haven't developed their feelings so much or told you exactly what has happened to them over the year just yet. They're gonna have to catch up sometime, so then they'll explain and I won't bore you saying something you already know. And I want it to come from them, not from "me". If that makes any sense to you ;) Anyway... I loved the reviews from the first chapters, thanks for those who took the time :) However, they weren't many, so that made me a little sad...! Just wanna know what you think of this so far, it encourages me to continue - or not. So please take the time, it means the world to me, OK? Thank you and see you next chapter, hopefully very soon:)


	3. Chapter 3

**Until It's Gone**  
by Tina

- - -

As it was expected, Ross was the first one to arrive. At 7:45pm - fifteen minutes before the scheduled time - he took one of the two seats of the small and cozy table he had reserved, in a quiet corner. Probably didn't have the best view in the restaurant, but would give them the privacy they needed for the conversation it was expected to rise.

He waited patiently, all the things he wanted to say to her running wild in his head, as he already expected her to be at least fifteen minutes late herself.

At 8:10pm, she trailed behind the hostess up to their table. He rose to his feet, suddenly nervous.

"Here's your table, Miss. Your waiter will be right with you. Have a good evening, you two, bon apetit!"

The hostess left them alone. They stood face to face to each other, for a moment not knowing what to do. A hug? A hand shake?

"Hey, Rach. Thanks for coming, really."

Rachel half smiled, but Ross knew her well enough to know she had to force it. He deserved that.

"Yeah, sure, Ross. It's been a year..."

"Yeah, it has..."

Rachel looked down and took her seat. Ross did the same and finally realized that, sitting before her, he actually did have the best view in the whole restaurant.

"So, how have you been?" He asked.

She looked up at him and took some time before answering it.

"Good. I don't know if Monica told you, but I got a new job, at Ralph Lauren."

"Really? Whoa, no, she didn't. That's really great for you."

She nodded.

"Thanks. Yeah, it's been good. Unlike at Bloomingdale's I really see a future for myself there, so..."

He watched her for some time.

"I'm happy for you, Rachel. You really deserve that, I know how hard you worked for it."

Their eyes spoke that moment. Undoubtfully both thought about the last few months of their relationship and all the pain they went through at the time. It was all in the past, as everything else they had.

"Thank you."

A long and very palpable silence fell upon them. At that moment, their waiter arrived.

"Goodnight, welcome to Nadine's." He handed them their menus and read the specials, while pouring fresh water into their glasses. "Would you like to take your orders now?"

They quickly ordered and the waiter left.

"Hm, look, Rach..." Ross began and she looked at him. He looked down briefly and shook his head, looking back at her after that. "I'm sorry. I wanna start by saying I am so, so sorry about what I did."

Rachel exhaled loudly and looked down aswell.

"I was so desperate to save my marriage, to avoid getting a second divorce that I just... I didn't think about what I would be giving up. You're my friend, or, well, hm, you were and-"

"Ross..." She cut him. "Stop." He kept looking at her. "It's OK. I mean... Yeah, I was hurt and yeah, it was a tough year for me with this whole thing and all, but... Don't beat yourself up, OK?"

"How can I, knowing I hurt you like that?"

She briefly looked away again.

"It's not your fault though."

"Huh?"

She looked at him for some time.

"She's your wife, Ross, you did what you had to do. I couldn't hate you for that. What hurt the most didn't come from you, it came from me."

"What do you mean?"

"It... It just hurt me because..." She trailed off. "Because it was hard for me to face the fact that within a few weeks you already loved her more than you ever loved me."

"What?"

Rachel made a face and ran a hand through her hair, visibly uncomfortable.

"You know I had never loved anyone before you. And I know you used to think of me since you were fifteen. You thought about us for years, I'm sure you must have pictured our relationship in many different ways. And I know I didn't live up to those expectations. I just... I thought I had. I thought what we had was amazing. It was everything to me, even though you didn't trust it at the time. But when you agreed to give me up for another woman, then, well... I had to face the fact that maybe it was just me."

"Is that what you think that happened?"

"I don't blame you, Ross. That's OK... I've had my time to deal with it, I'm fine."

"Rachel, that's crazy and I'm really sorry you feel that way. First of all, in all those years of fantasy I didn't image us being half as amazing as we were. I know, God, I know we had our problems, but... It was you and me, Rachel. It was you." He looked down briefly. "I'm very sorry, you have no idea how much, so very sorry about the way I started acting towards the end of it. About how I made it the end. How I started acting all jealous and how I couldn't have faith in our relationship."

"Why, Ross? Why couldn't you? Why didn't you ever believe me?"

He looked at her, knowing this had been eating her inside for some time now. Her eyes told him.

"Because I was so damn scared, Rachel." He avoided her eyes. "And I admit that part of me never really believed you loved me, that you could really ever bring yourself to really love Monica's geeky older brother. And someday, and it was only a matter of time, someone greater would come along. Someone more sophisticated, a handsome guy who would be everything you deserved. Someone like Mark. And then he came and I- I just lost it..."

Rachel shook her head.

"That's just silly, Ross." He shot her a look, silently telling her that it wasn't. It was his feelings, his boyish insecurity that followed him around since high school. She kept looking at him for a long time. "I'm sorry I didn't know how to show you that you were wrong. It's a shame you couldn't feel as loved as I did."

Ross kept looking at her. He silently relived some memories in his head, this time believing in all the love she felt for him.

"That's the thing. I don't think there was anything you could have done to show me that, at the time. I'm the one who should be sorry here... And I am. I am so very sorry, Rach."

She kept looking at him and then looked down. The waiter approached with the bottle of wine they had ordered. He poured it into their glasses and left. Rachel sipped her glass quickly, not bothering to come up with something for them to drink to.

"I never loved Emily the way I loved you. Or as much."

She looked at him and didn't say a word. Yet, the look in her eyes urged him to go on.

"Truth is, I was so terrified after our break up. I was so broken and I so desperately needed something to grab. I couldn't grab you, I had spent an entire year trying but I couldn't bring myself to even attempt do it. I was so terrified you'd say no to me. You know how I never even had the guts to declare my feelings for you in the first place. So then Emily came and, I knew it wouldn't hurt as much if she said no to me. Not nearly as much. So I grabbed her, I needed something, anything... And I didn't think. I don't want you to think our relationship didn't mean the world to me, because it did. You were more than I ever expected." He paused. "I just..." He trailed off.

Rachel bit her lower lip, teary eyed.

"Thanks for telling me that, Ross." She said with a very soft voice and smiled weakly. "You should probably watch your mouth though, you're a married man now, you shouldn't be saying things like that about your wife..."

Ross' half smile that had appeared right after hers faded.

"Hm, actually... Emily and I are getting divorced."

Her smile faded aswell.

"What?"

"We've filed for it and she went back to England a few weeks ago."

Rachel remained silent.

"So is this what this is all about?" She asked, a generous amount of hostility in her voice. "You're just telling me all of this because now you're allowed to?"

"No, Rach, I-"

"I can't believe you!"

"Rachel, that's not it." He said with a firm voice.

She looked at him with a hint of disgust in her eyes.

"Then what is it?"

He looked deep into her eyes.

"I was ashamed of myself."

She broke their look.

"You have no idea what a nightmare this past year has been." He continued. "Finally waking up and realizing just how much I had fucked up with my life. It was like I could finally see all the shit I had done at once. The rushed marriage, all the things I had to give up in the name of it. When Monica told me how you were feeling, I just..." He shut his eyes and opened them again, slowly. "I finally started believing you cared. And seeing that if you really did love me, it must've been hurting you like hell. I imagined how I would be feeling if things were the other way around... It would devastate me if you agreed never to see me again because of some guy you barely knew. Or even if you simply agreed to marry him after a few lousy weeks. It would kill me, it really would."

She looked down.

"I've thought about you this whole time, Rachel. There wasn't a single day that passed by that I didn't want to talk to you, to tell you something. And it wasn't Emily that stopped me. Our marriage never really worked, but I decided to stick to it because it was all I had. And it was a very poor trade... But the reason why I didn't reach out to you before was that..." He looked down. "...I hated myself for what I did. I was scared of seeing you, I didn't wanna see the possible pain in your eyes or hear the things you'd so fairly had to say to me. The fact you're only being kind about this is somehow... I don't know... I deserve the hard words."

She shook her head.

"It's all in the past now, Ross, let it go."

Ross kept looking at her.

"Are you still mad at me?"

"No."

He smiled very weakly.

"Thank you."

"I don't wanna fight, anymore, Ross. The reason I agreed to come to dinner tonight was... I only had so much I could work by myself. I needed to get some answers from you and move on... from this awful feeling, I mean. Thank you for your words..." Her looked changed to a tender one. "But, most of all, I've missed you. I've missed my good friend Ross." He reached across the table and held her hand. They smiled weakly at each other. "I hope we can try and be friends again, now."

"Definitely."

She nodded.

"That's good..." She said in a soft voice.

He smiled wider.

Their meals eventually arrived and they continued chatting, this time more airily. She told him all about Phoebe and Joey's past year, about how beautifully Chandler and Monica's relationship had developed and how they were expecting a proposal some time soon. Ross listened carefully, eager to be a part of that group again, dreaming of countless cups of coffee at Central Perk over casual conversations.

Over desert, which Rachel refused at first, but then had her mind changed as Ross convinced her she had no reason to be dieting, he told her about his brief marriage.

"You guys never thought about counseling?"

Ross shook his head.

"For what? To learn how to live we it? We could, without having to waste so much money in it... Sticking to it wasn't the big problem, I guess. I just... I realized I didn't love her. I couldn't force myself too, she deserved better."

Rachel nodded.

"Right."

"You know I'm a helpless romantic." Rachel smiled at that. "Next time I get married, it will be purely out of love."

"OK, I'll drink my last sip of wine to that."

He smiled and watched her empty her final glass. Filled with satisfaction as to how the evening had turned out, Ross motioned for the waiter to bring their bill.

"This went well." He said.

She smiled at him.

"Yeah, this was nice."

She grabbed his hand and squeezed it.

"I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my back."

"Me too."

He kissed her hand that was in his.

"I just hope you've realized how much you mean to me." He told her.

She nodded.

"Right back at ya."

He chuckled at the cute look she was giving him.

"I guess I do, yes."

She moved closer and hugged him very tight, taking him by surprise.

"You're not just Monica's geeky older brother, Ross." Her hot breath on his neck gave him chills. "You've been more to me than you'll probably ever know and you should know it... I need you to believe in my feelings, you're so important to me. You need to give yourself more credit. And it's me, honey, it's me... I'm only human too and I have my flaws, you of all people should know that... I don't want you to feel like there's a barrier between us or that we're in different levels in any way. I'm right here, OK?"

He smiled and hugged her back.

"Thank you, Rachel."

Their moment was broken by the waiter, who arrived with their bill. Ross wrote a check for it and they left.

-

The restaurant was near Rachel's apartment, so Ross walked her home. On the way there, he talked about the letters he had written to her, how he was so desperately in need to get everything out and how he had written about six letters until he finally wrote one that was good enough to send. And he decided to take his chances...

As they reached the building, they turned to each other.

"Well, this is me." She said in a playful way.

He smiled.

"Yeah."

"You wanna come up to talk to everybody?"

He looked up and sighed.

"I think today has been overwhelming enough as it is."

She smiled back.

"Right."

"I'll call Monica tomorrow though, try and set something up... I should probably also start apartment hunting somewhere near... It's gonna be a long way home."

She smiled weakly.

"It's good to have you back, Ross."

"It's good to be back."

They smiled at each other and hugged.

"OK, I'll see you some other time, then." She said, still in his arms.

Ross closed his eyes and kept his embrace strong. He moved his face and rested it against hers. Slowly, he rubbed his nose against her ear, softly across her cheek until it met her nose. When he was about to lean closer and kiss her, she pulled away. They looked at each other. Rachel was still surprised, he was embarrassed.

"I'm sorry." He said quickly. "God, sorry, I shouldn't have done that."

"No, Ross, it's OK, I- I'm sorry. I- I probably should've told you sooner, but..." She paused. "I'm seeing someone."

---

Dun-dun-dun! I have mixed feelings about this chapter... What about you? Tell me in a review, woot! Now... There is only one thing I have to say. Chapter one? Not my opinion, but Ross'. Second chapter? Again, not my opinion, but Rachel's. This chapter? Not really an opinion, but it's mostly focused on Ross. Next will be focused on Rachel and so on! **It is not my opinion**!! It's simply what I believe that could go through their heads during this moment. The end :P Anyway... reviews are love :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Until It's Gone**  
by Tina

- - -

She noticed the way his eyes appeared to lose its life right after the words flew out of her mouth.

Guilt.

But what was she to do? He had married someone else, there didn't seem to be any future stored for them, ever, anymore. After endless months of moping around she finally admitted she deserved another shot at being happy.

Reason told her she didn't have anything to feel guilty of, but...

"Oh." He said, softly.

She looked down.

"Yeah..."

He nodded slowly.

"That's, that's good for you."

"Yeah..." She repeated.

He sighed and she watched as he put on a mask and smiled weakly at her.

"So tell me about this mystery man. What does he do, how did you meet?"

"His name's James. He's an architect, and uh, Chandler set us up."

"Chandler?"

Rachel ran a hand through her hair, uncomfortable.

"Yeah. They were friends in high school, that all boys school Chandler went to, you know... They met again a while ago and Chandler thought it might be a good idea..."

"And was it? A good idea, I mean..."

Rachel nodded slowly.

"Yeah. He's a great guy."

"How long have you been together?"

She could tell by his tone that he felt a little embarrassed to be asking those questions, but that he was too curious to resist.

"Four months."

"Oh..."

A long silence followed.

"I hope he knows how lucky he is."

The look in his eyes broke her a little.

"Thanks..."

"And when can I meet him?" Ross said, trying to pull a more upbeat mood. "I should have a little chat with this man and make sure he's treating you the way you deserve."

Rachel weakly half smiled.

"He's in Paris now, actually, on a business trip. But he'll be back in a couple of days..."

Ross nodded.

"Well, OK..." He glanced at his watch. "I should really go now, it's getting late."

"OK..."

They kept looking at each other for some time. Slowly, they hugged one more time and parted ways, silently. She walked into the building and turned back once by the door to see him watching her. She weakly waved and he nodded back, wearing a sad smile.

-

Rachel laid her head on her pillow that night and couldn't shake the whole evening off her mind. On one side, she was glad to have Ross as a friend again, to have resolved their problems, being so honest with each other and themselves possibly for the first time since they've met. On the other... she couldn't stop picturing what could have happened if she hadn't pulled away from him. She closed her eyes and remembered the feeling of his lips on hers. He had always been so unique, so different from all the guys she had ever kissed. So much better.

She missed it. She missed him. Of course she did...

But then there was James. Things were so much easier with him. He was a gentleman, so uncomplicated and sophisticated, smart and sweet. Their relationship was so easy, so natural and effortless. Could she ever say the same about her and Ross?

Well... Just for the night, she allowed herself to fantasize...

-

The following morning, Rachel woke up on her regular schedule. It was a thursday, she had two meetings that morning and then would have the whole afternoon to finish those reports Mr. Zelner was expecting for friday. It was good to wake up and finally feel eager to work, to get there and really enjoy what she was doing.

She rolled out of bed and pulled her hair up into a ponytail, walking to the door.

Outside, Joey was having breakfast on the counter. He smiled at Rachel when she stepped out of her room.

"Hey, sweetie." She said.

"Good morning, roomie."

"What's with the smile, Joe?"

He tilted his head, gesturing for her to turn to look at the beautiful bouquet of lilies on the coffee table, which Rachel had failed to notice.

"Oh. Who's it from?"

She went to look at it.

"What do you mean? James, of course. Why? Got any other secret admirer you're not telling us about, huh?"

Rachel smiled innocently at Joey. Part of her wished they could - uh - maybe be from someone else... Just maybe?

"No, of course not."

She picked up the card.

_"Open the door. Yours truly, James"_

She bit her lower lip and weakly smiled. Slowly, she walked to the door and opened it. James was standing on the other side, holding a single lily. He was a tall man, broad shoulders, light brown hair and hazel eyes. Very attractive.

"Surprise!"

She smiled wider and took his hands on hers.

"What are you doing here? I thought you'd only be back tomorrow."

He stepped forward and kissed her softly.

"We finished it up earlier and I missed you."

Rachel smiled wider at the way his eyes glimmered, spiced up with the love she knew he felt for her. They kissed again and she pulled him in.

"Just give me ten minutes, honey. I just rolled out of bed, I'm a mess."

He pulled her closer.

"Nonsense, you're perfect. Hey Joey."

"Hey man!" Joey said smiling. He and the rest of the gang simply adored James, who never hided his feelings for Rachel, which very much pleased them.

"Doesn't she look stunning?"

"Sure does."

"See?"

She shook her head, smiling at him, still in his arms.

"So, how was your trip? How was Paris?"

He spoke a few words in French, which he knew that was a turn on to her. She tightened her embrace around his waist.

"It was amazing. Would've been way better if you were there, though..."

She half smiled at him.

"We've been through this, honey, you know I couldn't."

He gave her a puppy look that for a moment scared her, it reminded her too much of, hm, a certain someone. She let go of him and approached the counter, pouring some orange juice to herself.

"OK, OK... So, what were you up to while I was gone? Missed me too much?"

She chuckled.

"I've been OK." She sipped her juice. "Oh, actually, there is something...!"

Rachel paused.

She had told James about Ross, but she knew all she told him wasn't even half of what the rest of the gang had. She remembered one time waking up in the middle of the night alone in bed and accidentally overhearing Joey and James talking about her over hot milk - simply adorable. Her friend had explained to her new boyfriend just how broken she had been lately and how he better behave or he would have to kick his sorry ass. James, on his turn, had assured all his best intentions towards Rachel, how he wanted to be all the she deserved and would do his best to achieve that. In sign of appreciation to that, Joey had told him most of Ross and Rachel's history, emphasizing both the good and the bad.

"What is it?" James brought her back from her memories.

She approached him.

"I had dinner with Ross last night. He's getting a divorce and he'll be moving back to the village. I just thought you should know..."

Joey turned to them.

"What??"

Rachel turned to Joey, ignoring her boyfriend's surprised look to attend to her friend's absolutely shocked one.

"Yeah... Emily left for London already, they've filed for the divorce a few weeks ago."

"How come you didn't tell us?"

"Because, Joey, I didn't want to involve you guys. We've put you through enough as it is and we just wanted to work things out by ourselves. And we did."

"What??" Joey asked. "What does that mean?"

Rachel frowned and looked at James, who at this point also wore an awestruck look.

"No, it's nothing like that, you two! We talked, he's my friend. Honey..." She walked up to James and took his hands. "Nothing happened." She half lied. "I just wanted to patch things up with him, he's one of my best friends. You understand that, right?"

"Hm, sure."

Rachel sighed, realizing how complicated things would be.

"And you just forgave him like that?" Joey asked.

"Yes, Joey. We had a very long and honest talk and it's all in the past now. I would really appreciate it if you could also let this whole thing go and forgive him as well. If I have, then you should all do that too."

"And when do I get to meet the guy?"

Rachel noticed a certain smugness in James' voice.

"Hm, sometime during the weekend, I suppose? Joey, he's dying to see you guys. He said he would call Monica today and try and set something up."

Joey had this uneasy look, but Rachel looked at him with such pleading eyes that he gave in. She hated this whole thing and felt responsible for most of it, even though deep down she knew it wasn't her fault. But many times when she was sad about Ross' decision she would hate herself when she realized that the others were not only taking her side, but slowly developing an increasing frustration with Ross. She knew him better than that to know he didn't deserve it, though. And even though this was important to her in the beginning - feeling her friends a hundred per cent on her side - as time went by she admitted it just wasn't fair.

"Alright, alright..." Joey said.

"Thank you."

She felt James slide his hands around her and hug her from behind.

"Did you tell him about me?" He quietly asked.

"Of course, James." She answered, shortly, making him let go of her.

"Rachel, I'm just asking! The guy's your ex, you go out to dinner with him without even telling me and-"

"Excuse me?" She cut him. "You weren't even here, how was I to tell you? Besides, you don't own me James, I can do whatever I want!" She blunted out.

He stared at her.

"Of course I don't. I never did and visibly I won't ever get even near that, will I? 'Cause you never let me in." He shook his head, his voice as calm and sad as it could be. "OK, just, never mind, what a way to be welcomed...!" He took a black box from a pocket in his suit and put it on the counter. "I gotta get to work, bye."

He slammed the door on his way out and Rachel sighed. She looked at Joey with pouty lips and saw he was looking dissatisfied himself.

"I know, I'm sorry..."

"I'm not the one you should be saying that to, you know?"

She looked down and picked up the box he'd left on the counter. He looked at it and picked up the phone, calling James on his cell.

"Sweetie, it's six thirty, you don't have to work now. Come back up, please? I'm sorry..."

But she knew this would only be a superficial thing, at least for the time being. His words rang in her head, "you never let me in". It wasn't just the Ross thing that upset him, but... she didn't have the time to deal with that just yet.

Looking down, she opened the black velvety box. It carried a stunning Louis Vuitton bracelet. Damn, the man really knew his audience and God knows he had good taste. His never ending exquisite and expensive gifts could prove it.

---

Later that day Rachel got out of work and decided to drop by the coffee house on her way home and see if any of her friends were there. As she entered, the found Monica and Chandler chilling by the couch.

"Hey, guys."

"Hey, Rach."

"Hi, sweetie."

She took a seat on the arm chair.

"Hey, Ross called today, he told me you guys got together last night and talked." Monica said. "That's really great. How did that go for you?"

Rachel gave her a half smile.

"Oh, it was wonderful. We got to talk about, well, pretty much everything and it was very enlightening."

"And hm..." Rachel noticed a certain fear in Monica. "How did it make you feel, knowing he's single again and all?"

"Oh, Monica... He might be single now, but I'm not." Rachel sighed. "You know how much I loved your brother and, hell, I probably still do-"

"Hey!" Chandler cut her. "What about James?"

Rachel shot him a look.

"If you'd let me finish!"

Chandler crossed his arms, frustrated. Rachel rolled her eyes.

"Girl talk, Chandler." Monica hissed.

"Fine!"

Chandler stood up and approached the counter.

"Anyway..." Rachel continued. "I can't do this whole Ross and I thing right now. You know that, I know that... I guess by now even Ross knows that."

Monica nodded.

"I understand. And how do you think James is gonna react to this?"

"Oh, he already did. He surprised me this morning by coming back earlier and I told him about Ross, and, well... we had this little stupid fight but we worked things out. I mean, sorta... Urgh, Monica, I don't know."

"Well, it must be really hard for him, honey."

"I know. I'm just sick of this whole jealousy thing, that's all. And there's all this other stuff about hm, well about me and... I just need to work that out with him, with time, I guess..."

"Right, OK. Oh, one more thing. I invited Ross to dinner tomorrow night, Phoebe and Joey are also coming, so we can all see each other again and all. Are you bringing James?"

"I guess I should, since both mentioned meeting each other and all..."

"Should we get plastic knives?" Chandler asked Monica from the counter, earning yet another dirty look from Rachel.

-

Rachel got home that night to find Joey and James watching a game on TV and having pizza and beer. Both turned to look at her and she smiled. She liked it how he was becoming a new member of the gang himself, sometimes coming over mainly to hang out with her roommate, taking the pressure of her to have to stay with him all the time. He was a great guy like that, captivating everybody around him. He wasn't referred to as _"Rachel's boyfriend"_ anymore, he was just James, their new friend.

"Hi, you two."

"Hey."

"Hi, sweetie. How was work?" James asked.

"Fine... Yours?"

"Pretty good, we nailed a contract to remodel this house in the Hamptons, so that'll be fun and profiting."

She approached and gave him a kiss.

"Congratulations."

He pulled her to sit on his lap and she didn't protest. They watched the rest of the game like that, sharing slices of pizza and having a good time with Joey. When the game was done, Joey stood up and went to the kitchen to fix himself some dessert, while James and Rachel looked at each other.

"Well, OK, guess I better go now, then."

She shook her head.

"I'm afraid you're not going anywhere. I haven't had the chance to properly welcome you back yet."

He smiled at her.

"Now we're talking...!"

She chuckled and stood up.

"Come on."

He stood up as well.

"Good night, Joey." She said.

"Good night, you two."

"G'night."

-

He rolled over so she was on top of him, but she broke their kiss and looked at him.

"No, not tonight." She said, softly.

She urged him to roll back on top of her and he slowly obliged.

"But you-"

"I just wanna be with you tonight. I'm tired, honey. That's OK, go ahead."

He nodded and slowly did as he was told. She welcomed him between her legs and reached for his lips again. He slowly entered her and maintained a slow pace, determined to please her either way.

Yet her soft moans were purely to encourage him. She really was too tired to enjoy it much. But she wasn't lying, she just wanted to be with him. Feel all that love and adoration he showered her with, his amazing naked body weighting on top of hers, claiming her, protecting her. Assuring her.

She needed that affirmation.

He kissed her neck and whispered into her ear.

"I love you so much, Rach."

She clawed her nails into his back, just the way she knew he loved, and kissed his shoulder with her lips parted, tasting, licking his skin and finally biting it.

"I love you too." She whispered back.

Within minutes he started picking up some speed. Rachel kept her arms around him and closed her eyes, unable to control her thoughts. As she opened them, her eyes burned with a salty mix of sweat and tears.

Urgh, she was so stupid. She felt frustrated at herself and promised she was not going to screw that up.

She ran her hands up and down his back sensually, moaning louder and moving herself quicker to meet his thrusts.

"Oh, God, James...!" She whispered, biting his earlobe.

He smiled wider at her. She smiled back and closed her eyes, biting her lower lip, now only partly acting.

A generous while later, he collapsed on top of her, kissing anywhere his lips could reach. She sighed contentedly and closed her eyes, contemplating her situation.

---

I keep forgetting to dedicate this story to Tenneil (nothingtotell) :) 'Cause she's so hot and cool and loves R&R as much as I do, hee:) Anyway... ahh, I don't know. I don't even know where this is going, anymore. Ah, whatever... Please review? Pretty please?


	5. Chapter 5

**Until It's Gone**  
by Tina

- - -

Ross took the subway and then decided to walk the final blocks to the corner where Bedford St. met Grove. He could use the extra time to get ready, or at least attempt to. He was nervous about seeing Phoebe and Joey again, but he had to admit the hardest part of the evening would definitely be to watch Rachel with another man. It had always been hard on him when she got herself a boyfriend, yet he knew this time it was bound to be the hardest. It seemed like a serious thing. Four months was a long time, after all. This far into the relationship they were probably saying "I love you"s and regularly sharing the same bed, even when sex wasn't involved.

He missed that. Just lying in bed with her, whether they were talking, sleeping, making love or silently minding their own business. There was something so intimate about those simple moments with Rachel...

Besides, if it were at all possible, he felt like he loved her a hundred times more now than he ever did in the past. She just kept growing and growing, didn't she? Blowing him away, yet attracting him so strongly at the same time. Their last encounter had shown him that. An amazing, beautiful, grown and matured woman. Yet, in so many ways, the same old Rachel. The same girl he had fallen in love with so many years ago.

He hoped she was happy. If that was the case, then seeing her with this new guy would actually do him some good. In the past he had made the fateful mistake of putting his need before hers, complaining so much about her late hours and failing to understand the importance of those first busy months she had had in her new work. But he was not about to do that again. If she was happy, he would have to accept his new place in her life, even if it was only as a friend. And if this guy turned out the one, if they got married and had kids, he would have to make his peace with it and move on. After all, that's what love is all about, right?

That realization made him feel a little better. He felt as if he had grown ten whole years in the last block.

As he crossed the street and stepped onto the sidewalk, he spotted an old friend hopping off a cab. He paused and took a deep breath, watching her.

She noticed his presence and stood still as the yellow car drove away. After a few silent second, she smiled.

"Hey, Ross."

"Hi, Phoebs."

"Come here, give me a hug!"

Ross smiled and approached. She met him with open arms and they hugged tight. She smelled like flowers and cinnamon, just like he remembered.

"I've missed you." He said.

"I know, I know..." She said in a very airy way, so familiarly that it doubled his smile. "How have you been?" She asked.

They broke the hug and he sighed.

"I've been better..."

"Hey, it's gonna be OK. You're home now."

He nodded.

"Thank you, Phoebs."

"We should go upstairs, Monica's gonna freak if we're not up there on time!"

Ross smiled.

"Just one more thing."

"Yes?"

He looked at her for a while.

"I'm sorry." He said meaningfully.

She nodded.

"I know." There was a small silence. "It's OK, let's go."

-

Monica and Chandler opened the door together, greeting Ross and Phoebe with wide smiles. Ross took his sister in his arms and kissed the top of her head.

"Hey, sis."

"Hey, big brother. Come in."

They broke the hug and Ross moved to talk to Chandler while Monica hugged Phoebe.

"Hey, man." Ross said, offering a hand.

Chandler smiled at him and pulled him into a hug.

"Hey."

He patted Chandler's back and they broke apart.

"So, what are you drinking?" Chandler asked.

"Oh, I don't know. What do you have?"

"Beer, wine, vodka..."

"Alright, I'll start with a beer."

Chandler took two from the fridge and handed one to Ross.

"Thanks, man."

The four of them walked up to the living room and took seats around the coffee table. Ross looked around.

"Wow. Can't believe it's been a whole year since I last stepped in here."

"I know, it's so weird..." Monica commented.

"You guys know..." Ross started, but trailed off.

"We know." Monica said, meaningfully.

Ross nodded, happy to feel comfortable with them, no weirdness around and no need for explaining. They really did know.

"I'm gonna go and tell Joey you're here." Chandler said, standing up.

"OK..."

Chandler left the apartment and Monica watched him leave. As soon as the door closed, she turned back to her brother.

"So... Rachel told you about James, right?"

Ross nodded.

"Yes. I'm very happy for her."

Monica smiled at him.

"That's good."

"Tell me, is he good enough for her?"

Monica watched her brother for a while and then broke into a smile again.

"Yeah. You'll see... And I don't know what you feel about her right now, Ross, but... She really is very happy."

"I know, Monica. I told you, I'm happy for her." Ross looked at his sister and at Phoebe, who was quietly listening to their conversation. "Listen... Of course I still love her, I've probably loved her through this whole thing without fully admitting it to myself. But if she's found someone and they're happy together then I'll have to make peace with it. The same way she did when she saw Emily and I together on our wedding day..."

"You know about how she...?" Phoebe started asking, but then trailed off.

"I kinda figured that out."

"How did that make you feel?"

He smiled.

"Loved. And very proud of her. Now I can feel how hard it must've been for her, giving up her own happiness like that, for me. I'll reciprocate that. She deserves nothing less from me."

Monica smiled at her brother and he noticed admiration in her eyes.

The door opened and Chandler entered, followed by Joey.

"Hey." Joey said, rather quietly.

Ross stood up.

"Hey, man. How are you?"

"I'm OK. You?"

Ross looked at him and absorbed the bottled up feelings in Joey's voice. He shook his head.

"Been better, could've been worse..."

"Right."

Ross approached him.

"I've missed you, man."

Joey kept looking at him.

"I've missed you too."

"Oh, get a room." Phoebe mumbled.

Ross chuckled and finally saw Joey crack up a smile. They looked at each other and finally hugged.

"I'm sorry, man. You don't know just how much..."

"That's OK. If Rachel's fine with it, then I guess so am I."

Ross nodded.

"Thanks for being there for her. She told me just how great you've been and..." He trailed off. "Just... Thanks."

"Speaking of Rachel, where is she?" Monica asked.

"She and James went shopping together, but they're supposed to come back in time for this. They should be here any second now."

"Shopping? I thought Rachel had run out of space in her closet?"

"What, and is that supposed to stop her?"

"Well, apparently James got this job at the Hamptons so he and Rachel went to buy swimming suits and all that summer stuff." Joey explained.

"Aw, how nice."

Great, now he couldn't get the image of Rachel in a tiny bikini off his head.

About half an hour later, as Monica was beginning to grow inpatient, Rachel and James entered the apartment in a rush.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry, you guys. Bad traffic on the way back, we're sorry." She said.

Ross focused his look on their linked hands.

"That's OK, honey." Monica said a little unconvincingly. "Hey, James."

"Hi, Mon."

As James said hello to everybody - Ross noticed the way they all seemed to really like him - Rachel looked at him and smiled. He looked at her and smiled back.

"Hey, Ross."

"Hi, Rach."

She approached and they hugged. But before he could begin to fully enjoy it, she pulled away and turned back to look at James, who - Ross noticed - was now looking at them.

"Honey, come and meet Ross."

James approached.

"Hey, Ross, nice meeting you. I've heard a lot about you."

They shook hands.

"Well, everything you've heard is true." He looked at Rachel and saw her looking a bit down. "Anyway, nice meeting you too."

Rachel went over to his side and James wrapped his arm around her. They stood there for a few seconds, until Rachel backed them onto the couch. Ross slowly took a seat himself, on the armchair.

"So... What are we having for dinner?" Rachel asked rather uncomfortably, trying to make small talk.

"I'm trying this new recipe for a filet mignon and there's a vegetarian pasta, wild rice and a frieze salad."

"Yum, sounds delicious."

"It's almost done, only ten more minutes or so."

"OK..."

Ross just sat there and watched as the gang fell silent for a few seconds. Looking back at Rachel and James, he noticed her looking down at their hands, once again linked, playing with his fingers quietly, while he was watching it. He had to hand it to the guy, they seemed to really like each other.

"And what are we having for dessert?" Joey childishly asked with a toothy grin.

"We're having ice cream, Joey."

"So, hey, Ross, have you began looking for an apartment around here?" Phoebe asked.

"Yeah, haven't found anything I like though. Most places come with a creepy roommate. It's like a weird promotional deal, apparently."

He heard Rachel chuckle.

"Well, if you need help remodeling the new place..." James offered.

Ross saw Rachel smile at her boyfriend.

"Thanks, man."

"No problem. Any friend of Rachel's is a friend of mine."

"Bless ya!" Joey said, raising his beer.

Ross forced a smile. _'Friend'_...

-

Dinner went well. Everything was delicious and they all got a chance to talk, almost like in the old days. James' presence started bugging Ross more than he expected though, but he hoped it would fade away. It was probably just the feeling of something different in the gang compared to his many wonderful memories. Well, OK, aggravated by the fact he wouldn't stop touching Rachel and, well, she seemed to enjoy it.

Urgh. This annoyance would have to fade away with time. It just had to. He would have to learn how to live with it if he wanted to be around her again, everyday. And he did...! So very much it hurt.

After everybody excused themselves from the table, Phoebe was the first to say goodbye.

"I gotta get going, you guys... Got a client tomorrow morning and I didn't sleep well last night. And I got a hot date tomorrow night, gotta look good for that!"

"Go Phoebs!" Cheered Joey.

They all said their goodbyes to her and Joey enjoyed the opportunity.

"Whoa, that reminds me, I'm one hour late for my date!"

Rachel shot him a look.

"You still going to a date tonight?"

"Oh yeah, Tribbiani here won't waste any time, baby."

"Well, alright. Have fun."

"Bye."

"See ya!"

And he was off.

Rachel, James, Ross, Monica and Chandler sat around the coffee table sipping wine in silence for a few seconds. Ross looked around. Two couples and himself. It was probably time for him to leave as well...

But not before he played the scenario in his head. It saddened him to realize this must happen all the time. The two couples double dating, bonding... He wished he could be in James' shoes even more, for he had never had the pleasure to successfully double date with his best friend Chandler, specially with Rachel Green as his date and his sister as Chandler's. How perfect would that be, huh?

No point in picturing that now...

"Well..." Ross began, taking a deep breath. "I guess I should go now."

"No, stay." Monica protested. "I was hoping we'd be able to talk some more, now."

Ross looked around again.

"I figure you guys just wanna... I mean, I don't wanna be..." He trailed off, better not go through that, right now. But his eyes met Rachel's and hers told him she understood what he was gonna say. And they were filled with guilt for the way that made him feel. "Well, OK, what the hell. Nothing to do tomorrow, anyway..."

"So, have you spoken to Emily lately?" His sister wanted to know.

"Sometimes, yeah. I guess in a way we broke this off in the friendliest way possible, so..."

"That's good."

"Yeah, it's good..."

"How are you doing, man?" Chandler asked, seriously.

Ross nodded his head slowly, smiling weakly.

"Relieved. Now that I've talked to all of you I guess I'm just relieved..." He looked at all of them and couldn't help but let his eyes linger on Rachel for a little longer. "Happy, I guess." He looked away from her. "I just tend to get a little lonely on the other side of the city, you know? As soon as I get my apartment here and I get to hang out with you guys every day again, then I guess the rest will come together naturally."

"You know, we do have a spare room, Ross. I mean, you could stay here until you find your own place." Monica said.

"I don't know... With you guys on the next room and all..." He waved his hands. "It would be too weird."

"Nonsense. The walls between the rooms are very thick."

"Ah, not what I remember, Mon..." Ross said, partly mocking her. He looked at Rachel and both laughed.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, Monica, come on...!" Rachel said. "I remember you and Richard! And all those days you would be complaining about Ross and me."

"Well, why did you have to be so loud, anyway? I wouldn't think it'd be worse than it was with Paolo and ew, Rachel, he's my brother."

Louder with him than with Paolo? Ross looked at Rachel, a little smugly. Not too shabby. Rachel shot him a funny look, ignoring James, who was visibly uncomfortable.

"Anyway..." Chandler started. "So I'm guessing that's a no, Ross?"

"Yeah, no, thanks. I'll just keep looking, I guess."

"You could always stay with Phoebe."

"Phoebe? Doesn't she live with her grandmother?"

"Oh, honey..." Monica said, a hint of sadness in her voice. "Her grandmother died last year."

"What?"

"Yeah... I- I thought I'd told you that."

"No. Wow... How is she, how did she handle it?"

"Surprisingly well. I mean, you know Phoebe, always putting a nice perspective in things..."

Ross smiled weakly at that.

"Yeah, she really does." He paused, thinking about how sad it made him feel that he missed that. He wished he could have been with his friend through something like that. "Hm, yeah, I don't know, I'll think about that."

James squeezed Rachel's knee.

"Hm, it's getting late." He hinted.

"Oh, honey, I was hoping to stay a little longer and just talk... No work tomorrow and all, so..."

James looked at Rachel for a few seconds, in silence.

"Sure, you stay. I'm tired though, I'm gonna get going."

"OK, I'll see you in a bit." Rachel said.

"Actually, I'm just gonna go home."

She looked at him.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I need to get some things taken care of in the morning and it's right by my apartment, so..."

"Well, OK..."

"Bye, everyone."

"Bye, James."

"Bye."

"Nice meeting, you."

Rachel walked him to the door. Ross couldn't help but watch.

"I love you, honey." She said.

"Love you too."

They kissed. Ross finally looked away.

"Don't miss me too much, OK?" She joked, smiling. He smiled back.

"I'll try."

"I'll call you tomorrow."

"OK."

"Bye."

He left.

Rachel walked back to her spot on the couch, kicking off her shoes on her way there. Ross smiled at the casualty that had just risen. He took the bottle of wine and filled both his and Rachel's glasses.

---

Review, please? Come on, I'm asking politely... :) I'll update quicker if you do!


	6. Chapter 6

**Until It's Gone**  
by Tina

- - -

"Oh, you did not!" Rachel protested through fits of uncontrollable laughter. Yes, the wine was indeed working its way into her system, nice and fast.

"OK, OK, I couldn't go through the whole week, but I tried." Chandler said.

"I knew you couldn't go an entire week without making fun of them. What were you thinking?" Ross asked.

"Ah, it was the New Years spirit talking."

"Try blaming the champaign, honey." Monica suggested. "Oh, and what about that girl, that really short girl who kept hitting Joey?"

"What's new about that?" Ross asked.

"No, not hitting **on** him, I mean hitting him as in physically hurting him."

"Oh yeah, and it was really hard too. And then he was scared of breaking up with her because she was gonna hit him harder..." Rachel giggled. "She ended up hitting me and then I kicked her and ah... It wasn't pretty."

Ross kept laughing and Rachel could tell he also had had his share of alcohol himself. She kept watching him, lazily, her mind just wandering...

"Oh, and Vegas...!" Monica turned to Chandler. "Remember Vegas? Remember how Phoebe was like keeping score and all?"

Chandler laughed.

"Oh yeah, I remember."

Rachel just watched and sighed. Ross turned to her.

"How did you like Vegas?"

"Oh, I didn't go."

"Why not?"

Rachel played with her hands nervously.

"'Cause James and I went to Paso Robles instead. A little wine tasting and all that..." She said quietly.

"Oh, OK, cool. That sounds romantic."

Rachel smiled sweetly at the way he tried to be pleasant, even though she knew him too well to know what he was truthfully feeling. Argh, the whole evening had been hell for her. She had kept herself a few steps away from Ross the entire time to avoid any problem with James. It would have to happen slowly, under his watch... Yet she knew her public displays of affection towards her boyfriend - also a way to reassure him - were just killing Ross. She knew it... And it killed her too, a little. Hm, a lot.

She rested her head on the back of the couch and kept staring at him, not even caring if it became obvious to the others, anymore. Or maybe she was too wasted to care, she didn't see the difference at the moment. God, there was just something about that man. Objectively speaking, James was a much more attractive guy than him. Both Monica and Phoebe had recently started calling him _McSteamy_, a reference to this TV character who both swore that looked like his long lost twin or something. But Ross... There was just something about him... She focused on his lips, slightly parted, and noticed how the bottom one stood out. Jesus, they were always so soft.

Ross felt her eyes on him and turned to face her. They smiled at each other for a few seconds, while Chandler and Monica talked on the background.

She grabbed his hand and squeezed it.

"This is nice." She said, softly.

"Yeah..." His voice was barely above a whisper. "I'm really happy for you, Rach." She kept smiling at him, without saying anything back. "He seems like a stand up guy."

"And so are you..." The words slipped out of her lips naturally. She didn't even mind it... Yet her expression turned to a sad one, while his became surprised.

"Hm, thanks..." He mumbled nervously.

"Ross... Why do we have to be so complicated?"

Ross watched her for a few more seconds and looked down.

"I don't know."

She took a deep breath and opened her eyes wide. Oh God, what was she saying? She let go of his hand, shook her head and stood up, getting a little off-balance.

"Whoa." She regained her posture. "It's getting late you guys and I think I've had too much to drink."

Monica chuckled.

"Alright, honey."

"I'm gonna go too." Ross said, rising to his feet.

They all walked to the door and said their goodbyes. Ross and Rachel left.

In the hallway, they looked at each other and she looked away, a little embarrassed.

"Good night, Rach. You should try and drink some water before you fall asleep, OK?"

She cracked up a smile at his concern.

"OK, Doc." He chuckled. "Come here."

She pulled him into a hug. A tight, yet so soft, long hug. A hug like the one she didn't dare to give in front of James, earlier that evening. She rubbed his back, rested her chin on his shoulder and closed her eyes dreamily when she felt him smell her hair, the way he always did when they were going out. When they were about to pull away, she aimed for his cheek but somehow ended up kissing his neck. She giggled and let him go.

"Good night, Ross."

"G'night."

---

She woke up with a funny taste in her mouth. She opened her eyes slowly, but shut them tightly again as soon as the first few rays of that late morning penetrated them. She dared to turn around and felt her insides crumbling, her stomach contracting slowly, anticipating a long and annoying hangover. Her head was aching only slightly. Well, at least it could've been worse. She looked at her alarm clock on the bedside table, it was only a few minutes past 11am. She sat up slowly, groaning, and took her cellphone. She quickly found James' number on the contact list and confirmed the call.

"Good morning, sunshine." He greeted her sweetly.

"Good morning... Are you busy now?"

"Nope, never for you. How are you?"

"Urgh, not well... After you left we uh, we had a little too much wine..." She raised her hand to her forehead. "I don't feel well."

And with that she started remembering some of the things she had said and done the previous night. Oy...

"Ouch, sorry. You gonna be OK?"

"After a few too many aspirins, I guess."

"Alright, get better... And try not to overdose, OK?"

She chuckled.

"I'll try. Have you been up for long?"

"Yeah. Ran some errands, went shopping..."

"Without me?"

He chuckled.

"I was shopping for wallpaper and all those boring things..."

"OK..." She sighed. "Where are you now?"

"Across the hall, at Monica and Chandler's."

"Huh?"

"We're having pancakes and Chandler wanted me to check out this new computer game he bought that Monica didn't let him show me last night, remember?"

Rachel chuckled.

"Right, that sounds like Monica... And you just kept me talking here this whole time while you're only a few doors away?"

"You're still talking, Green..."

She shook her head, smiling.

"I'll be right there."

"OK, bye."

-

While the guys were playing on the computer, Monica and Rachel were having brunch on the kitchen. Rachel was quietly nibbling a bagel, focusing mainly on keeping it in her stomach, while Monica watched her.

"Hey, Rach."

"Yes, honey?"

Monica turned to check on the guys, who were screaming at the screen. The coast was clear.

"Remember how I asked you the other day about how you felt about Ross being back and all?"

"Yeah."

Monica kept watching her for a while.

"Just want you to know that whenever you're ready to tell me the truth, I'm right here for you."

Rachel looked up at Monica and didn't know what to say. Monica looked down at her coffee, focusing on sweetening it. She put half a few drops of sweet and low and half a teaspoon of sugar, a trick she had learned to avoid the horrible after taste of the first and yet stay away from all the calories of the last. Rachel sighed.

"You see right through me, don't you?"

"I guess it's a best friend benefit kind of thing... And, well, last night you were pretty obvious..."

"Urgh, Monica, I don't know..."

"Why don't you start by telling me how you really feel about him?"

Rachel just looked down. After a few seconds, she looked up at Monica.

"Did you talk to him about this?"

"Hm, yeah."

"What did he say?"

"Honey, I can't tell you that..."

"Oh, come on, Monica. You're saying that maybe I should break up with James without even knowing if Ross would be willing to make it work between us?"

"I'm telling you you need to be with the one you really want. I don't want you to settle for second best in your heart, Rachel, that's all. And... and maybe it's not just about love."

"I know. Yeah, I understand..." Rachel took a deep breath, well knowing Monica was referring to her and Ross. "Love was never our problem."

"But then again maybe it's not just about convenience..."

"I know... It's not just convenience with James though, Mon. You know that."

"And how do you feel about Ross now?"

"I'm not sure... I mean, of course I still love him, I've told you that already. And I miss him. But..." She looked at James. "A part of me tells me that maybe we've already had our shot, it's over now. And there's James, this amazing guy who loves me and who is just perfect for me. And yes, I love him too... I just..." She trailed off and thought about it. "It's not the same, you know?"

"It's never gonna be the same, Rach. Ross was your first love and the only one before James. Like the way Richard was for me, before Chandler."

Rachel nodded.

"Right." She ran a hand through her hair. "I suppose I'm gonna have to learn to live with that..."

"Honey, I didn't mean to imply that you have to be with James just because I ended up with Chandler. You need to figure this out yourself."

"I know..."

"I just want you to think about it."

A brief silence followed, while Monica blew on her hot coffee and sipped it.

"He tried to kiss me, you know..."

"What?"

"That night we went out to dinner together... Ross tried to kiss me when he walked me back home."

"Tried?"

"Yeah, I- I pulled away."

"And how did that make you feel?"

"It triggered this whole thing. Up until then I guess I was there mostly for my good friend Ross. I really had stopped believe he still loved me. Or maybe that he had ever really loved me... Let alone that he could ever love me again. And then..." Rachel looked down. "Did you see his face last night? He looked so sad, Mon..."

"I know. It must've been really hard for him."

Rachel kept looking at Monica.

"He still loves me, doesn't he?" Monica avoided her eyes. Rachel looked down and shook her head. "Oh, Monica, this is so messed up... A year ago I would have given anything for him to love me back."

"I know, honey..."

"And even if we get back together, God, who's to say we're not gonna be the same people we were before?"

"Well, in that aspect I really believe the two of you have really changed, Rach. You know, last night he made me really proud."

"How so?"

"He uh... He told me he was very happy for you. And that even though he still loves you, if you're happy with James then he would have to live with that. The way you did when you saw him and Emily on their wedding day..."

Rachel shook her head.

"Yeah, but then like a week after that, while he was married to her, I told him I loved him, didn't I?"

Monica sighed.

"I still believe the two of you have grown a lot the past year."

"How can I know that's enough for us to make it work again? How can we know it's gonna be enough?"

"You can't. You just gotta make a commitment and do your best to make it work. Whether it's with Ross, whether with James."

Rachel closed her eyes.

"Yes!" Chandler's shout brought Rachel and Monica's attention.

"Whoa! You're the man, Chandler Bing! You're the man."

James turned to look at Rachel and winked at her. She chuckled. James left the computer area and approached the girls.

"Are the ladies lonely?" He asked them.

"Don't be so pretentious..." Rachel said with a funny jokingly look.

He chuckled.

"Hey, so... I was wondering if maybe you could take a couple of days off work sometime this week. I mean, you know how I'll have to start spending a lot of time at the Hamptons now and I thought maybe you'd like to come and join me for a few days?"

"Sorry, honey, not this week..."

"But, Rach, you never take a few days off to do something with me." He complained.

"Sweetie, I can't! I don't run my own business like you do! Some of us have schedules and meetings we need to attend, compromises we need to honor. Besides, you'll be working all the time and it's not even warm enough to go the beach."

"OK, fine... How about if we went there like today and you can come back tomorrow? I'll even let you bring the car back, I'll just use Peter's when we're over there and then I'll come back with him next friday."

Rachel kept looking at him for a while, knowing he wouldn't let this go easily. Oh, what the hell, she would have to spend most of the next few weeks barely seeing him anyway...

"Yeah, OK." She smiled weakly at him. "That's a great idea."

He opened up a big smile.

"You will?"

"Yes."

"OK, we better go and pack now or else we won't have any time to actually enjoy it."

She sighed.

"Alright." She looked at Monica. "I guess I'm going to the Hamptons."

"Have fun, sweetie."

"Thanks, honey."

---

That night Rachel and James dined in a fancy restaurant, took a short walk along the freezing shore and retreated to their cozy warm suite in the house Peter, James' business partner, had rented on such short notice. Given the fact that it was still relatively winter time, it hadn't exactly been a challenge for him. Rachel was in the bathroom, applying face cream, watching James on the reflection on the mirror before her. He set his book down and looked at her. They smiled at each other. He put his book aside and rested his hands under his head, leaning against the headboard, admiring her. She smiled even wider.

"Stop it..." She said in a rather flirty way.

"Sorry, no can do."

She used a few tissues to clean up her fingertips and turned around to look at him directly. She slowly walked up to the bed, swaying her hips from one side to another, in her little provocative nightie. Once she reached him, she slid her hands up his naked chest and laid down on top of him. They kissed a few times.

"Rach?"

"Mm?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

They broke the kissing to look at each other.

"Hm... Should I... Should I have anything to worry about? I mean, with uh, hm, with you and Ross and..." He trailed off. "I don't mean to sound as if I don't trust you, it's just... It's just kinda hard and new for me, I mean..."

"Honey... Don't do this to yourself."

"Is that a no?"

She blinked a few times at him.

"I guess it is."

He sighed, a little frustrated.

"Not the answer I was hoping for, you know."

"Baby, come on... It's not that simple, OK?"

"Do you still love him?"

"He was my first love." She remembered Monica's words. They really fit. "Of course I do, a part of me will always love him." James looked down. "It doesn't mean I wanna be with him, James." James looked up at her and they held each other's gaze for a long time. "I mean, don't you feel that way about your first real love?"

"You're my first real love, Rach."

She was taken by surprise.

"Am I?"

"Well, yeah..."

"How is that even possible? I mean look at you. You're this amazing, wonderful, caring, smart, sexy man... successful and sweet."

He chuckled and kissed her.

"Thank you. I just... I had never found someone who I thought that would be worth it before, you know? So up until I met you it was all party and fun for me, no strings attached. But I'm all done with that, now. I see Peter and Trish together and the kids and I just... I want that, you know?"

Rachel widened her eyes a little and broke their little embrace.

"Whoa, calm down there, James."

James sighed.

"I know it may be a little too early for this... Or maybe it isn't, I don't know. As I said I have never done this relationship thing before. But... It's where I see this going, Rachel. Or, well, it's where I want this to go, anyway." He paused. "I love you."

She kept looking at him. She should have felt lucky. She should have felt like the happiest woman on the planet. But she was too confused. Confused and guilty.

"It's not that simple for me, James. The one time I actually pictured all those things for me, I mean truthfully really wanted them... It just, it blew up in my face and it took me a long time to recover from that. And maybe I've become a little cynical about it, I guess a little scar was bound to sting me... But... It's just not that simple for me. So just... please, just take it easy, OK? We've only been together four months."

"Alright, alright. For now I just wanna know if we're good..."

She nodded.

"We are. Of course we are. I love you too."

He smiled and she started kissing him, the beginning of a very long night. Partly to shut him up... One more of his sweet words and she would just lose it completely. She felt low enough as it was.

---

Yum, McSteamy. That's my mental picture of James. Thanks, Aud! ;) Just watch Grey's Anatomy and you'll understand (or, well, you can always Google him). For the love of God, McSteamy, not McDreamy. Anyway. Past few chapters have been posted so fast due to a few days off I got, national holiday here. But sadly life goes on starting monday, so... I guess the updates will go back to their old flow. And aw, I know. All the ladies love James. I love him too...:) Now, review, please? ;) And thanks for the kind reviews on the past few chapters! Oh, and remember how I said this story would be short? Yeah, strike that. Maybe shorter, but not short. It grew into me...!


	7. Chapter 7

**Until It's Gone**  
by Tina

- - -

"I can't go on like this, anymore." The quiet female voice said.

Ross looked up from his book and sat up straight, surprised to find Rachel standing on his bedroom doorway, a sad look in her eyes.

He wondered how she had got in, but only for a split second. It didn't matter.

"Rachel? What are you doing here?"

She raised a hand to her face and sobbed.

"I can't go on like this, Ross, I just can't." She approached the bed and took a seat on the edge, looking at him. He noticed the way her fragile body shook and how her eyes filled up with tears that threatened to fall, but for now simply lingered in that blue pool, adding sparkles to it. "Tell me you love me and I'll leave him for you. James and I will be history."

Ross sighed. He took her hand and looked down.

"I can't do that to you. You're happy now."

"Ross, please." Her voice was breaking. "I'm so much happier when I'm with you. Please tell me you love me."

"You know I do..."

"Say it." She pleaded.

He kept looking at her for a long time. Her tears finally fell, leaving a wet trail on her beautiful cheek. He brushed it away with the back of his fingers.

"I love you."

She sighed with relief and immediately threw her arms around him, kissing him with all her might. Ross was thrown against the head of the bead with the impact. There they rested and made themselves comfortable in each other's arms, never breaking the kiss, which only intensified. Her hands roamed down his body and found the bottom of his t-shirt. She tugged to it and quickly raised it, breaking the kiss to pull it up and off of him. Before she could resume their kiss, Ross stopped her. He breathed heavily.

"What?" She asked him softly.

"Are you sure about this, Rachel?"

She ran a hand up his bare chest, sensually. He looked down at it and felt every pore of his body rise. It was like a magic force possessing him. She smiled at his involuntary reaction.

"You told me you believed in my feelings for you, didn't you?" She whispered. "I love you, Ross. I've never stopped loving you and I probably never will." She came dangerously close again and placed soft butterfly kisses on his neck. "No one will ever mean to me all that you do." She moved it down his chest. "And no one will ever make me feel the way you do..." She moved back up and looked at him. "We deserve another shot. And this time we'll do it right. I know we will."

She kissed him again. This time it was slower, sweeter. He let her tongue gently slide between his lips and deepened their kiss. He couldn't help it anymore. He let his guard down and allowed himself to shower in the all the love she was pouring down at him. She loved him. She really did. And they could make it through. Hell, they would make it through. He threw his arms around her and rearranged themselves in bed, guiding her to lie down and rolling on top of her. God, he had missed those lips and that wonderful body of hers.

"I am never letting you go again." He said, looking straight into her eyes. Both were serious for a while, just looking at each other, absorbed in the importance of that moment. He rested his forehead on hers and let their nose tips meet. They breathed the same air and closed their eyes. "Tell me you love me again." He requested.

She smiled and ran her hands up and down his back.

"I love you." They kissed softly. "I love you more than you'll ever know."

He leaned down and kissed her again, this time reassured and determined. Slowly he started unbuttoning her shirt, pausing every few seconds to kiss a new spot of skin he uncovered. Rachel softly moaned in delight underneath him. It was music to his ears and gave him all the encouragement he needed to keep going. His hands got bolder, lifting up her skirt and grazing her smooth legs. Rachel bit his shoulder softly, provocatively, which only turned him on more. She rolled on top and sat on his lap, with a firm hand on his chest to tell him to stay down. She smiled at him and he smiled back, a little excited by her controlling actions.

Slowly, she pulled her shirt off, her eyes never leaving his. With little trouble, she also managed to slip out of her skirt. He watched her with amazement. God, she was so beautiful, just as he remembered it. Those feminine curves, that little flat stomach, her breasts. Her eyes. So full of longing and sweetness. He'd always thought she was beyond out of his league. But if she wanted him, hey, who was he to stop her? If she had left a man like James to be with him, there had to be something about him, right? The thought of it boosted up his self-esteem.

She smiled mischievously at him.

"I'm sorry, is this seat taken?" She asked.

"Huh?"

"Is the seat taken?"

Ross snapped out of his dream. He was disoriented. Looking around, he found himself in the subway, on the way to meet Monica and Phoebe. Damn sleepless nights. In front of him, an attractive woman stood, smiling down at him. He looked to his right and noticed the seat next to his was half empty, the other half taken by his arm, carelessly sprawled over it. He sat up straight.

"Oh, God, I'm sorry."

"That's OK." The stranger said with a chuckle.

Slowly, she took the seat. Ross wondered how far along the way he was, if by any chance he had missed his stop.

"I'm sorry, do you know where we are?" He asked the woman.

She looked around, confused, and smiled at him.

"In the subway?"

He frowned for a second and then chuckled. At that exact moment the train slowed down and he turned to look out. They stopped in a station and Ross was relieved to see he still had three more stops to go.

"Never mind, just got my answer. Thanks." He said.

He looked down and checked his watch. It was 3pm. He would be meeting the girls at Central Perk to discuss the possibility of moving in with Phoebe. He'd already talked to her over the phone and she was very supportive, saying he could definitely stay with her for as long as he needed.

Lost in his thoughts, he finally felt the woman's eyes on him. He turned to look at her and she smiled at him. He politely smiled back.

"You look tired." She said, almost as if they were close friends.

Ross tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

"Hm, yeah, haven't been able to sleep well lately."

"Big night out with hm, with a girlfriend maybe?"

He looked at her again and took a few seconds to reply. She looked hopeful and Ross was honestly taken by surprise. He wasn't used to having women being so obvious like that. He closed his eyes and thought of the dream he'd just had, definitely not the first over the last few days.

"Yeah." He smiled weakly. "She uh, she works a lot, so we like having the weekends to ourselves."

He watched as the woman's face fell with disappointment.

"Oh. That's nice."

"Yeah."

He looked down and avoided eye contact with the woman until he reached his destination. It was best this way. It was clear he was not even close to being over Rachel yet, so it wouldn't be fair to any of them if he started up with someone else right now. Some people say the best way to get over somebody is dating some one else, but Ross was certainly not one of them. Besides, his marriage had just ended. He needed some time by himself.

As the train slowed down at his station, he rose to his feet and looked at the woman. He gave her a weak smile.

"Take care."

---

When he entered the coffee house he spotted his sister and their friend sitting on "their" orange couch sipping coffee. God, it was good to be back.

"Hey!" He greeted them, on his way to the counter.

The girls turned to look at him and smiled.

"Oh, hi there, bro."

"Hey, Ross."

"Can I get a cup of coffee, please?" He asked one of the waitresses on the counter. Then he walked up to the couch and gave both girls a kiss on the cheek.

"Are we in a good mood today?" Monica asked.

Ross took a deep breath.

"I don't know. I guess we are."

Phoebe and Monica looked at each other and smiled. Ross took his coffee from the counter and looked at the girls.

"What?"

"Nothing." Monica said.

"OK..." He decided to let it go.

"So, hey, Ross, now, about what I said last night, I just wanna tell you that I really mean it. You can totally stay at my place, it would be great."

Ross smiled at her.

"Thanks. Phoebs. I guess it would be a good idea after all, it's been tough finding a good place around here."

"Oh, we can bake cookies!" Phoebe said in her excited way, giggling like a little girl.

Ross chuckled.

"Hm, OK, sure, we could do that."

"Yay!" She giggled some more, making Ross laugh.

"So, where are the guys?" Ross asked.

"Ah, they're watching some game upstairs. Are you gonna join them?"

"Nah, I'll stay here with you girls and enjoy this nice cup of coffee."

Monica smiled at her brother.

"Not gonna ask us where Rachel is?" Phoebe asked.

Ross put his coffee down and tried his best to look indifferent.

"That sounds sort of obvious. Isn't she out with James somewhere?"

"She does have a life that doesn't include him, you know?" Phoebe interjected.

Ross rolled his eyes.

"OK, fine, where is she?"

"In the Hamptons with James."

Ross shot her a look.

"I'm just saying she **could** be somewhere else."

Ross forced himself to chuckle.

"Alright."

Phoebe and Monica looked at each other again, much like they had just done a few minutes before.

"OK, what's up with you two? I see you're up to something." Ross asked.

"Alright... Thing is, we were just wondering if maybe you would like to meet this woman we know. Her name's Caroline and-"

"Mon..." Ross cut his sister. "Look, I appreciate your concern and I'm sure that this woman is lovely and I know you guys mean this in the best way possible." He paused. "But... I'm barely out of my marriage. I mean, legally I'm not even out of it yet. Don't you think I need some time to breathe on my own right now?"

Monica kept looking at him for a while.

"But it would be OK if it were Rachel, right?"

"What do you mean?" Ross tried to act innocent.

"If Rachel were here right now telling you she had left James and saying she wanted to be with you, you would. Wouldn't you?"

"Mon... Look, I don't know."

"Ross, you tried to kiss her the other day. It seems pretty obvious..."

Ross paused, well knowing Rachel must have told her. He sighed.

"OK, maybe I would. There's a long history there, Mon. One which began way before my marriage did." He shook his head. "But it doesn't matter anyway, because she hasn't left him and she won't. And that's OK, I'm OK. I just wanna be alone right now. I'm fine, there's no need to worry about me, alright?"

Monica made a face.

"Alright... You know we're just looking out for you though, right?"

"I do. And thank you for the concern. But I'll be fine."

"I thought you said you were fine already." Phoebe said.

Ross looked at her.

"I'm working on it." Monica hugged him. "I just need to put my love life on hold right now and focus on the rest. I got other stuff going on right now. I will move in with Phoebe," He looked at her, who had started giggling again. "we will bake cookies, apparently and I'll be near Ben again. And soon we'll be opening this new section at the museum and it's gonna be really exciting-" He noticed the look on the girls' faces. "well, for me, anyway... And then, when I'm ready, I'm sure I'll find someone new. Right now it just wouldn't be fair to anyone if I started seeing someone while, you know, thinking of her."

"Sounds wise to me." Monica said softly.

Ross smiled at her.

"Hey, guys!"

They turned to see Rachel, who had just entered Central Perk.

"Oh, hey, hun. You're back early." Monica commented.

"Yeah. I still need to take the car back to James' place though. Besides, I didn't want to take the road at night." She made a face. "OK, correction, he didn't want me to take the road at night." She shook her head. "That's OK though, it was freezing out there anyway. So, anyway, what are you guys up to?"

"Not much, just talking." Monica said.

"Oh, and Ross is gonna move in with me for a while!" Phoebe all but yelled out. " And we're gonna bake cookies!"

"Oy with the cookies already!" Monica said, earning a laughter from Ross.

Rachel chuckled and looked at him.

"Really, you're moving in with Phoebe?"

"Yeah. Sounds like a good idea, until I get my own place anyway. It's been really difficult for me living so far away from work and Ben and you guys..."

She smiled at him. Argh, he wished that didn't affect him so much.

"I can imagine." She paused. "Wow, Ben. How is he doing?"

"Oh, good. Growing up like crazy, it's insane...!"

"Ah, he'll probably be as tall as you when he's older, if not taller."

"This new generation, I'll tell you..." He trailed off.

Rachel smiled at him again.

---

I know, it seems to end out of nowhere. Sorry 'bout that.

Anyway... I wish I could let it pass, but I just need to say some things to the this very particular reviewer of the 6th chapter. First of all, yes, I crave reviews. It's nice to know people are reading and appreciating my writing. If you don't like it, I can't force you to and I really do not intend to. But most people do like it, so I write for them. Now, this isn't like my job or anything, I do it because I like it and it's a nice hobby. Second, it's honestly OK that you don't like my stories, you're entitled to have an opinion after all and you wouldn't be the first. I can deal with that, I'm a big girl. I just wanna point out the fact that I never said this was "original", that it "had substance" or that my writing is great. I actually agree with some of what you said and that's OK with me, I don't have high expectations here. It's only for fun.

What I don't understand though it's the way you attacked me for absolutely no good reason. There are ways to write negative reviews without being so rude. I'm far from being perfect and I never meant to imply that I was even near that, so it would be nice if you could try to be a little more reasonable.

I just wonder what made you go through the trouble of writing me. When I really don't like a story I just stop reading it, it's so simple. We all know there are many "mediocre" stories around, I wonder if you attack all those writers like this. Or am I just a lucky girl? Did I get to you, somehow? It's not like I've been shouting around saying "hey, come and read my awesome and very original story! I'm the best at it, you won't regret it". Do I seem pretentious, is that it? OK, let's just make a deal: next time you decide to leave me another message like this, please have the decency to log in so I can speak to you directly. I hate doing this here, where everybody can read it. But you left me no choice, I had to speak for myself.

Oh, and yes, I would like some more reviews from the ones who like this story so far. The ones who don't like it are also welcome to say something, I just hope you all have better manners than this. Thank you for reading :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Until It's Gone**

**by Tina**

- - -

A few days later, Rachel was trying to make time go by faster playing Tetris in her laptop. She glanced at her watch, just a few more minutes to go now until her weekend could begin.

She moved the blocks quickly, she was up on level 9 already and the speed in which they were falling was starting to challenge her. Still, she kept on arranging the pieces in such a way that would leave just one column empty, so when she got the right piece she could score a "Tetris". It was a way she'd learned to earn more points.

And then her cellphone rang. Rachel groaned, she always got confused whenever she tried to pause the game, specially at a high level, so she decided to keep going and answer the phone best way she could.

"Yeah?" she spoke nonchalantly.

"Hey, honey, it's me."

"Oh, hey."

Damn, where was the piece she needed? The walls were building up...

"Hey." He paused, realizing her mind was somewhere else. "Still at work?"

"Yeah, just a few more minutes to go now. Are you calling from the road?"

"Actually, I've got some bad news... The Patricks, you know, the family we're remodeling the house for, they want us to stay here during the weekend so we can look at some stuff together, they just have this weekend free until they go on this trip, so..."

"Oh, OK."

Yes, the right piece! Tetris!

"OK?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Are you even listening to me? What did I just say?"

Rachel sighed and started getting upset herself.

"You have to stay in the Hamptons this weekend because your clients want a meeting. What is it with you, James?"

"Are you playing Tetris?"

"What if I am?" She challenged him.

"Well, it'd be nice if you showed some sadness over the fact I can't come over this weekend."

"It's your job, James. I get it. Are you seriously upset because I'm not upset?"

She heard him sigh on the other side and stopped playing, he'd already ruined it anyway. She watched the blocks falling fast until they built up and the words "Game Over" appeared on the screen.

"OK, I'm sorry. And for what it's worth, I'm also sorry I have to work this weekend."

"It's OK." She said, knowing that was not really what he wanted to hear. But it was the best she could give him at the moment.

"So... Any plans?"

"Well, today Ross is officially moved into Phoebe's apartment, so we're all going over there for dinner. Phoebe's cooking some weird Indian thing, we're all betting who'll be the first to cave in and call for some pizza." She added that last bit to try and lighten up the mood.

"Right."

"Yeah."

There was a brief silence and Rachel looked at her watch.

"Listen, I better get going now. Time to go home and get dressed in a hurry."

"OK."

"Have a good meeting."

"Thanks. And you have a nice time with the gang."

"I will. Bye."

"Hey, Rach?"

"Yeah?"

"I miss you."

Rachel forced a chuckle.

"It hasn't even been a week yet, James."

"So?"

The serious tone in his voice made her feel a bit ashamed.

"I miss you too."

"Bye."

He hung up the phone. Rachel took a deep breath and ran her fingers through her hair. OK, it was Friday and she was not gonna let anything get to her.

-

Rachel and Joey shared a cab to get to Phoebe and Ross', Monica and Chandler were already there. Monica had claimed she wanted to help her brother unpack, but Rachel suspected it had more to do with her wanting to help Phoebe with the cooking. Well, with Monica, really, it could be either way.

"I still can't believe James is not coming." Joey whined. "I got this new pick up line I wanna tell him about."

Rachel eyed him.

"I really don't know how I'm supposed to react to this."

Joey sighed.

"Why don't you just tell the other guys?" Rachel continued.

"It's not the same." Joey whined and crossed his arms like a little kid.

Rachel wondered. This was starting to get dangerous, like that time he and the gang fell in love with Monica's boyfriend. They were so crushed when they broke up. But, wait, she was not supposed to be thinking about this, was she? She was supposed to be happy about it and not thinking about the end.

They reached their destination, paid the driver and got off the car.

"What's that in your hand, Joe?" Rachel asked, finally noticing Joey was holding a brown paper bag.

"Oh, Phoebe's making some typical Indian food, right? So I decided to get us some typical drink! Tequila!"

Rachel made a face.

"That's Mexican, Joey."

"Duh, I know that, I'm not stupid. Still, you know, they're both in South America! Same continent, it still counts"

Rachel took a deep breath and decided not to argue with him.

Upstairs, Ross was the one who opened the door for them, wearing a smile Rachel hadn't seen in a long time.

"Hey guys, welcome to Phoebe and Ross'!"

Rachel smiled back, he looked like he'd already had a few shots of Tequila himself.

"Hey Ross."

"Hey, dude, how are you? I got tequila, what are you guys having?"

"I got some Sake for tonight!" Phoebe said.

Rachel sighed and looked at Ross.

"At least she got the continent right."

Ross looked confused, but Rachel didn't explain.

"Here, I'll take your coat."

"Thanks."

He helped her out of her coat and she couldn't help looking to side as he did so. With that subtle movement, her hair flew to her other side, exposing her neck and her back. She'd chosen just the right dress for that.

She could feel his eyes on her, even if just for a few seconds, even if he tried not to let it show.

"Come here Green, we're doing some sake shots!" Phoebe demanded.

"Aren't we a little too old for this?"

"It's Friday and we don't owe anything to anybody!"

"Hey, where's James?" Monica asked.

"Can't come, he'll be in the Hamptons for the weekend."

"Oh, bummer."

"Yeah."

Phoebe handed Rachel a shot glass filled with sake. Rachel looked at the clear liquid, still only considering.

"It's not that bad." Ross offered a piece of advice. "Specially after the third."

Rachel chuckled and drank the whole thing, taking as many gulps and she needed.

"Argh. At least with the tequila we got that lemon to take away the aftertaste." Rachel said wiping her mouth with a napkin.

"I'm on to it!" Joey said, going into the kitchen to get everything ready for the tequila.

Rachel took a seat on the couch and noticed all the empty boxes that had just been emptied and were now waiting to be disposed.

"Were those all the boxes?"

"The ones I've brought here, anyway. I rented a storage unit a few blocks away. I really appreciate Phoebe letting me live here and all, but I am still looking for a place of my own and I don't expect it to take very long." Ross answered.

"Yeah, I can imagine how weird this must be for you, having a roommate." Rachel paused and then corrected herself. "I mean, there was Emily, but that's not the same."

"No, it's not..." Ross looked around. "It's gonna be harder now having Ben over and stuff like that."

"And dates." Rachel added, innocently.

Ross looked at her for a few seconds and shook his head slowly.

"That's not a worry of mine at the moment, so... It's still gonna be a while until I can, you know..."

Rachel looked at him and just nodded.

"Nonsense!" Joey said, joining their conversation. "What do you say you and I hit the social scene tomorrow and get us some action?"

"Joey, my divorce is not even finalized yet." Ross argued.

"Yeah, Joey, his divorce is not even finalized yet!" Rachel echoed him.

She felt his eyes on her again. Well, he didn't have to be a genius to recognize the jealousy...

"So?" Joey continued.

Rachel looked away and noticed Monica had taken over control in the kitchen area. Maybe they wouldn't have to have pizza, after all.

---

I realize it's been over 3 years since I last updated, but... :) I still get reviews and I reread this the other day and I quite liked it. It's no masterpiece, but it's enjoyable enough to keep going. Hope you guys still think it's worth it and follow it again!

See ya next chapter, hopefully it won't take very long! And hopefully it'll be longer than this one too.


	9. Chapter 9

**Until It's Gone  
**by Tina

- - -

"Hey!" Chandler said as he entered Phoebe and Ross' apartment.

Rachel looked up and got this funny puzzled look in her eyes.

"Hey, where were you?"

"Went to get us some desert in this little bakery down the street. Did you and Joey just arrive?"

"Just a few minutes ago."

"They didn't have tiramisu, so white chocolate cheesecake it is."

"Oh, there goes my diet..."

Ross analyzed Rachel's slim body and thought this whole dieting thing was nonsense, but he kept the thought to himself.

"Hey, so where's James?" Chandler continued, as he stowed the dessert into the refrigerator.

Why did everyone keep asking about that guy? Ross had to admit it bugged him, a little. But, again, he kept the thought to himself.

"Sorry, not coming, he has work this weekend at the Hamptons."

"Oh, man!" Chandler whined.

"Get over it, Chandler." Rachel joked.

"Doesn't it bug you though?" Phoebe asked, watching Rachel closely.

"It's his job, guys, I understand. Of course it doesn't bug me."

Ouch. Rachel must have realized what she'd said, though, because her eyes met Ross' and she looked a tad apologetical. Not like she was sorry for what she'd said, she just wanted him to know she hadn't said that to hurt him. After all they'd gone through in the past...

"It's just one weekend, anyway." she continued.

"But didn't he just come back from France?" Phoebe noted.

"And hasn't he been at the Hamptons all week? I miss him." Joey added with a sigh.

"Oh, guys, enough! Are you guys also trying to make me feel bad?"

Phoebe and Joey exchanged looks.

"No, sorry. I'm just saying...!" Joey trailed off.

"Well, don't. Please."

Ross noticed more than annoyance at them in her voice. He looked down and when he looked up again she was pouring herself another sake shot, which she drank with a lot less hesitation this time.

-

A few weeks passed and things were pretty much going very well for Ross. Fun breakfasts with Phoebe, work, greats cups of coffee with the gang at the coffee house, frequent visits to Carol and Susan's so he could spend some time with Ben...

He was still looking for a new apartment, but with no luck. Well, whoever said those things were easy in a city like New York?

One night, Ross came home from the coffee house by himself, Phoebe had not joined them that particular time. Upon opening the living room door and looking at the couch, he instantly knew why. Phoebe's date heard the noise and broke their kiss, looking a tad embarrassed himself.

"Oh, sorry, hey, man."

"Hey, Ross! Peter, this is my roommate I was telling you about."

"Hey, Phoebs and... Peter, apparently." Ross managed, uncomfortable.

"Nice to meet you."

They shook hands.

"You too."

Phoebe buttoned up her shirt. A few too many open buttons were revealing more than Ross wanted to see.

"Hey, so..." Ross began. "Sorry I interrupted, I was just..."

"That's alright, Ross, don't worry about it. We were just about to take this somewhere else, weren't we?" She winked at Peter.

"Sure, yeah."

They stood up and began making their way into her bedroom.

"Good night, Ross!"

"Good night, man!"

"Yeah... Good night, guys." He almost added something else, but nothing would seem appropriate anyway.

The door closed and Ross stared at it.

The only times he'd ever really shared his home for a significant period of time were when he was living with his parents, with Chandler or with his two ex-wives. None of them had included scenes like this and, though he was an adult, it still creeped him out a bit. He thought about going into his room and calling it a night himself, but what if the walls were too thin?

Without a second thought, he grabbed his keys and left again, shivering on his way out.

It was still relatively early and there were still many people on the streets, so Ross decided to just take a walk. His mind was a blank, or at least he trying to get there. He tried not to think f his friend getting lucky back at their apartment when he himself hadn't gotten any action in quite a while. He kicked a pebble and startled a little when his cellphone rang, bringing him back from those thoughts.

The name "Rachel" flashed on the screen, surprising him once again. He took a deep breath and answered it.

"Hello."

"Hey, Ross, it's Rachel."

"Hey Rach. How are you?"

"Pretty good, how are you?"

"Good. Didn't see you at the coffee house tonight."

"Yeah, this is what I wanna talk to you about. There's this guy who works with me and he's moving, so his apartment's gonna be available now. I came over to his place after work to take a look and, well, I think you're gonna like it."

"That's great, Rachel, thanks."

"It's no problem. So do you wanna come over and check it out?"

"Oh, now?"

"Yeah. Why, are you busy? Am I calling at a bad time?"

The sudden worry and embarrassment in her voice made him smile a little. She was really far from having something to worry about.

"No, actually the timing is perfect."

He could feel her smile back on the other side.

-

Knock-knock-knock.

An attractive man opened the door.

"Oh, hi."

"Hey, man. Are you Ross?"

"Yes, nice to meet you."

They shook hands.

"I'm Jake. Come on in. Rachel, your friend is here."

Ross entered the apartment and looked around, analyzing every corner. This could be his future home. He couldn't help also analyzing the guy, though.

"Hey, Ross." Rachel came into the living room with an also attractive woman.

He had to admit he was somewhat relieved to know she hadn't been this whole time alone with the man. And yes, he did realize his jealousy was a tad irrational when you took into consideration the fact she already had a boyfriend who wasn't him.

"Hey."

"Hi, I'm Alice."

"Nice to meet you."

Alice and Jake held hands.

"We're sorry but we're gonna have to leave you guys to it now, we promised my best friend we'd go and watch a movie with him and his new date, he wants to introduce her to us and vice versa." Jake apologized.

"Oh, that's fine." Ross said.

"Rach, you can just leave the key under the mat after you guys are done."

"Alright, thanks."

"Hope you like it, Ross. It's made a happy little home for us the past few years." Alice said.

"That's good to know", he smiled at them.

After they left, Ross and Rachel looked at each other and smiled an easy smile.

"They seem nice."

"Yeah, they are. Great cooks too, they just made me a delicious dinner!"

He looked around.

"This place is amazing!"

"You haven't seen anything yet! Wait till you see the walk in closet!"

Ross smiled, it almost seemed like Rachel was also looking at this place as her own.

They checked every room: the spacious living room, the kitchen with an island in the middle, the office, the master suite - complete with a jacuzzi and said walk in closet - and the guest bathroom and bedroom, which in his case would turn into Ben's.

"My only concern now is the price. Sure this guy must be asking for a fortune."

"Actually, he told me what he really wants is to sell ASAP. I bet if you make him an offer quick he'll take it."

"So what's the story, why are they moving?"

"They got a new place with a view of the park and everything. Honestly, I don't think money's their problem here."

He chuckled.

"Nice."

Their eyes met again and their gazes locked. A couple of seconds later, however, her phone rang.

"Hm, sorry." She found it in her purse and answered it. "Hey, honey."

She turned her back to him and approached the window, looking out. Ross looked down and then around. He noticed many framed pictures of Alice and James, acting like the cute couple they were. He took a seat and thought.

This was where he always thought he and Rachel would get, the people they would become together. Fun married people living in a nice place and going to movies with her friends to meet Phoebe's new boyfriend or Joey's new fling. They would get to double date with Monica and Chandler, have beautiful kids and live happily ever after.

Oh, well. That was James and Rachel's future now.

"Sorry about that." Rachel apologized, coming to sit on the couch next to him.

"That's alright."

"You look thoughtful."

"Yeah, well..." He tailed off.

"What is it?"

"It's nothing."

"Tell me."

He looked at her for a few seconds. Oh, well, after that whole honest talk they had, why not?

"I just always thought my life, our lives, would turn out different." He stopped, but the look in her face urged him to go on. "You know, like theirs. This nice place, going out with their friends on a Wednesday night, a real marriage..."

She smiled a sad smile.

"I thought your dream included a house in Scarsdale, not here in the Village."

He smiled back, just as sadly.

"I can be a little bendable like that."

"See, if you'd told me that before maybe I wouldn't have freaked out like I did." She smirked and he chuckled.

A silence followed and then she stood up.

"Shall we go now?"

"Yeah, we shall."

They walked again towards the door and he smiled at her again.

"I really appreciate this, Rach."

"This is what friends are for." She shrugged.

"Yeah."

---

That's it :) I think I'm gonna be updating quite frequently, I got some free time now, sort of! I know this site hasn't been the same lately, but hopefully you guys can still find the time to read and leave me a review afterwards :) Thanks and take care!


	10. Chapter 10

**Until It's Gone  
**by Tina

- - -

She was starting to get a headache and wondering why the elevator light had to be so damn bright. She flinched and groaned to herself, leaning against the wall as she rose to the 22nd floor. When the doors opened, she pulled the right set of keys from her purse and approached his door. She swung it open and couldn't help but smile a little.

The apartment was cozy and warm. A really good sweet smell was coming from the kitchen and some soft Bossa Nova played on the background. She approached the kitchen door and sure enough there he was in front of the stove, checking something in a pan while sipping some wine.

"Hey."

He looked up and smiled.

"Hey there, stranger."

She approached him and they kissed. It was a soft, quick kiss. She pulled away but he held on to her and pulled her towards him again. She chuckled and kissed him back.

"Can't resist me, can ya?" She joked.

"Never."

She smiled.

"So what are you doing?"

"Caramelizing pears. And I got us some vanilla ice cream from that italian place you love so much so we can eat it with this."

"Sounds yum."

"Yeah, this couple we met over at the Hamptons had us for dinner one night and they served this. I thought you'd like it, so I'm giving it a try. Wine?" He offered.

Her heart skipped a beat. Those little things he did for her always took her breath away.

"Yeah, some wine would be good. I got a little headache, maybe this will help me relax."

He poured her a glass.

"Just take a seat and relax, I'll get you an aspirin."

She smiled again and let him pamper her.

"OK. Thanks."

"My pleasure."

She took a seat and took off her shoes, it sure felt good. He came back with her aspirin and she thanked him again.

"So, dinner at the Hamptons? Sounds like things are going well over there then?"

"Yeah, really well. I thought it would be empty and depressing at first, but you wouldn't believe how many people have got nothing else to do. It's sad and... quite happy at the same time, actually. Can you imagine that, not having a job?"

"I did, at one point."

"Right, before when you almost married that dermatologist, right?"

Rachel furrowed her brows a little.

"Barry was an orthodontist."

James looked confused.

"Are you sure?"

Her head hurt a little more.

"Yes."

"Huh..."

"Anyway... That's good things are going well."

He smiled at her and she noticed that there was something different in the way he was smiling that night. But she decided not to give it much thought.

"And how was dinner with your co-worker and his wife?" He asked.

"Hm, good." There was no point in mentioning the whole story, was there? "Is this still gonna take a while? I just wanna take a quick shower."

"Yeah, sure, you got time."

She rose to her feet, picked up her shoes and walked barefoot towards the master suite. It was everything you could expect from an architect like James, very tasteful, cozy and pretty manly at the same time. There was a terrace with a great view, a fireplace that never got lit and a single picture by the bed. In it, Rachel, James and his parents smiled to the camera. It was taken only a couple of weeks before Ross returned to her life when they had come up to visit from their home town in Georgia. Rachel still recalled that evening with fondness, Joanne's thick accent and Paul's warm smile. They were a fine family and Rachel could see why James thought about getting married and having kids like he did. He had a great example at home, after all.

She got herself a towel and a nightgown from the drawer she had taken over and went into the bathroom, where she undressed, put her hair up in a tight bun and went into the shower. It was one of the many perks in James' apartment, it only took about a second to heat up. She let the scolding hot water run down her body and closed her eyes. Great, nausea. Just what she needed on top of her headache. She took a deep breath and reached out to turn the water off when she noticed James was getting ready to join her.

"This might not be a very good idea, honey."

"What?"

"I don't feel so good."

He didn't listen and continued to undress.

"I'll make you feel better."

Rachel swallowed hard, her mouth was beginning to water. He walked in and put his arms around her, kissing her neck. She pushed him away and exited the shower, going straight to her toiled and throwing up the second she could reach it. Urgh, how she hated being sick. Her stomach contracted and she emptied her stomach until there was nothing left in it. She took a deep breath, flushed and wiped her eyes, resting with her knees on the floor and her arms around the toilet for a few seconds.

She then felt James' hands on her arms, gently pulling her up.

"You OK?"

"Been better." He led her to the sink, turned the faucet on and began stroking her back. She splashed her face and cleaned her mouth. "Can you grab me my toothbrush?"

He handed it to her and watched as she started brushing her teeth with shaky hands. He reached for a towel and covered her. When she was done, she looked at him and finally noticed the look on his face.

"What?"

It was apprehensive and hopeful at the same time, filled with the usual adoration he always let it show when he looked at her.

"Do you think you might be pregnant?"

Her heart began to pound in her chest, but she answered in the first beat.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Believe me James, I'm not pregnant."

"How can you be sure?"

"I just am."

Except...

She started freaking out inside. She knew you could never be 100% sure when you were sexually active, no matter the contraceptive method. On the other hand, she also knew that chances were this was pure and simple food poisoning. Only it was hard to fight her anxieties at such moment, specially when James was looking so eager.

"OK..." He said, unable to hide a sneaky smile.

"I can't believe you're smiling when I feel like shit."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"No more dessert for me. I'm just gonna go to bed, I'm really tired."

"That's OK, we can always save it up for tomorrow."

She grabbed her towel and ignored the fact she hadn't even gotten to apply soap, deodorant, her night cream or anything. She was feeling too shitty to care.

-

She woke up the next morning with a hand stroking her hair. She stirred and then softly opened her eyes. James was smiling at her. She smiled back and yawned.

"Hey."

"Good morning."

She looked around and noticed the curtains were closed all around the room, which they rarely were. James always said he liked to wake up with the sun, he was an early riser. It was something Rachel had grown to get used to.

"What time is it?"

"It just turned 10." Her eyes opened wide and she tried to sit up, but James held her down gently. "I called in for you, said you were sick, which you are, so you're gonna have to stay in today, OK? I also called off my things so I can stay with you."

"But I had an important meeting at 8!"

"Not the way you're feeling, no."

"But I'm feeling better, James."

She realized she was probably being more hostile than she should. He was just worried.

"Are you really?"

"Yeah, I'm good." She said and this time smiled softly. "Thanks."

"So are you gonna go to work?"

Ah, what the hell.

"Nah, I think a deserve a day off in the middle of the week once in a lifetime."

He smiled at her.

"Good. I got you breakfast then, if you feel like eating now."

"Yeah. Thanks."

She started getting out of bed, but he stopped her.

"That's alright, I'll bring it to you. Just relax."

"OK."

He kissed the top of her head and left.

She took a deep breath and relaxed, she had to admit she liked being spoiled like this. She could hear James working in the distance, humming a song to himself. A few lazy minutes passed and she was almost falling asleep again when he returned, a tray in hands.

"You up?" He asked softly.

"Yeah, I'm up."

He set the tray in front of her and she noticed almost the whole thing was taken over by a silver food cover.

"Fancy." She commented.

He didn't say anything, he just smiled. Rachel got intrigued, it was that same smile from the previous night. Still with that in mind, she pulled the cover up by its handle, uncovering her breakfast. But, instead, she found a small black velvet box sitting in the middle of a silver plater.

Rachel had to control herself not to gasp. Was that what she thought it was?

"James, wha-what is it?"

"Open it."

Her mouth was dry and she felt herself shake slightly again. She reached for it and opened it. Inside, the most beautiful engagement ring she had ever seen in her life stared back at her. She felt her eyes water up and couldn't control the tears that followed.

"That's not exactly the reaction I was hoping for, you know?" He joked.

"Is this about last night?"

"What?"

"I'm not pregnant, James."

He took a deep breath.

"It's not about that. I was actually gonna do it last night, but then you got sick and the moment got ruined. This is just the cherry on the top. If you happen to be pregnant, I mean." He noticed the look in her eyes and corrected himself. "Which you're not, OK, I know." He smiled. "So... What do you say, Rach? Will you marry me?"

---

Mmm, the plot thickens! Hope you guys liked it and sorry it took me a while. But, hey, at least it wasn't three years again, huh? ;) I know the story's been kinda dumb, but it's just a silly story for me to have fun and relive my R&R fandom! And for that, I love it! :) Take care!


	11. Chapter 11

**Until It's Gone  
**by Tina

- - -

Ross was having a great day. First, he'd woken up feeling rested and happy from another very vivid dream, which didn't surprise him after having spent so much time with Rachel the previous night. Then later in the morning he'd called her co-worker and it seemed like he'd be able to afford his place after all. On top of that, he got an early release from work, so he was on his way to the coffee house in the hope of finding his friends there.

Sure enough, as soon as he opened the door he could spot his sister and Phoebe sitting on their usual couch.

"Oh my God, oh my God!!" Phoebe was saying. "And what did she say??"

"Hey, girls." Ross interrupted. "What's going on?"

They looked at him, at each other and went quiet.

"Hey, Ross." They said at the same time.

He felt suspicious, they had gone quiet the second they noticed him.

"Hey. What's wrong?"

The girls exchanged looks again and Monica looked uncomfortable.

"Well, I suppose you're gonna hear about it sooner or later..." She began, but then trailed off.

"What?"

"James proposed to Rachel."

Ross froze. For a few seconds, he couldn't speak, he couldn't move or breathe.

"Oh..." His voice came out more quiet than he'd hoped. So this must be what Rachel felt when he and Emily got engaged... Now he truly understood the hurt in her eyes that day.

"But she hasn't given him an answer yet." Monica added.

"She hasn't? Wait, is this her being proud about not wanting to get married just because of the pregnancy?" Phoebe just realized her slip the minute the words were already out there.

"Pregnancy?"

Monica shot Phoebe a look.

"There's no pregnancy. Well, not... officially. She just wasn't feeling well last night and James jumped to conclusions."

"But she could so be pregnant!" Phoebe said and earned herself another look from Monica.

"That's enough, Phoebs. You and I could be pregnant just as much as her."

"Sorry."

Guess he thought too soon when he marveled on what a great day that was.

"Anyway," Monica continued. "She said she's gonna need time to think about it, because she thinks it might be too soon, said it caught her off guard."

"Really? I thought by now she already had china patterns picked out and the whole thing." Phoebe commented.

"I suppose that would be typical Rachel behavior before-" Monica stopped herself.

"Before me." Ross finished her sentence.

Monica just looked at him and nodded.

"She wouldn't let herself get too carried away after what happened. Said things didn't always turn out the way she thought they would." She said. "Besides, I guess we all learned something from you and Emily and your rushed wedding."

Ross looked down and an awkward silence followed.

"OK, I think I'm gonna go home now." Ross said, standing up.

"No, hey, you just got here, stay. We'll talk about something else."

"Yeah, we'll even let you talk about dinosaurs if you want." Phoebe added.

Ross forced himself to smile at them.

"It's OK, guys. I actually have good news, I'll be moving again. I found a great new place and it sounds like it's really gonna happen. I'm gonna go home and start packing."

"Hey, bro, you OK?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Don't worry."

They said their goodbyes and Ross left.

-

Ross' mind was spinning too fast for him. On his way home from the coffee house he couldn't stop thinking about the news he'd just got. Sure she'd said she'd think about it, but wouldn't that almost necessarily turn into a yes? After all, she had been dating the guy for a while and from what Ross could tell things were going really well for them.

It could have been worse, sure, she could have given him the positive answer right away. Were the rush and the surprise really the only things stopping her? He hoped not.

And pregnant? Really? She could be pregnant with his child? Ross could barely even stand the thought that in a few months she could have a husband and a child. And then the tiny little hope he still held on to would have to vanish for real, forever.

When the wind blew into his face, he realized he was crying. The tears felt cool against his cheek and he brushed them away.

His mind was taking him slowly to a particular night, so many years before. He recalled the day very vividly, as he did all those 365 days they were together (and all the non-official days too). It had been about two weeks since they had said "I love you" to each other for the very first time, yet for some reason Rachel had been drifting away the past few days.

Ross opened the door to Monica and Rachel's and found no one around.

"Rach?" He called out, looking around. "Are you home?"

"I'll be out in a sec", she answered from the bathroom.

"Alright."

He helped himself some drink from the fridge and turned the TV on. A couple of minutes later, Rachel came out.

"Hey."

"Hey, honey, how are you?"

"Good." She answered non-chalantly and looked around.

Ross looked down.

"How was your day?"

"OK. Nothing to report. Yours?"

"It was good. A day without a crazy incident at the museum involving a kid and Sharpie is a good day." He joked, trying to lighten up the mood. But she just smiled weakly back, like she'd barely even heard him. "Have you had dinner yet?" He asked.

"No, not yet."

"Feel like ordering something?"

"Sure."

"How's Chinese? I'm in the mood for some Chinese."

Rachel made a face.

"Actually, I feel kinda nauseous for Chinese."

"What's wrong, what are you feeling?"

"It's nothing..." She looked away.

Ross took a breath.

"Rach?"

"Yeah?"

"What's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

He kept looking at her and stood up, walking towards her at the kitchen.

"For the past few days you've been distant, avoiding me... You didn't even come up to me to give me a kiss or something."

"Ross..." She trailed off.

"Where's this going? Because I thought everything was going well, specially after the other day." He paused. "You know I love you, Rachel."

Her eyes filled with tears instantly.

"I love you too."

His chest filled with some relief.

"Then what's going on?"

Rachel sobbed and covered her mouth with one hand.

"I think I might be pregnant."

It took him completely by surprise.

"What?"

She just nodded and cried. Ross approached her and hugged her.

"Hey, it's OK."

"I know you have all these plans for us and I think I might even be on board with all of it, but... Not now. I'm not ready."

Ross nodded and kissed the top of her head.

"Well, what makes you think you're pregnant?"

"I'm a few days late and I feel kinda nauseous... and you know how we... the other day... without..."

Ross exhaled loudly. Right.

"OK. I'll run down to the pharmacy downstairs and I'll get you a some pregnancy tests, OK? It'll be OK, Rach."

She nodded and held on to his hands tight. He let her hands go so he could leave the apartment, but she held on.

"Wait, Ross."

"Yeah?"

"I'm really sorry. I've been freaking out the past few days, I didn't know how to tell you."

"Rach... You can tell me anything. You're my best friend."

Rachel smiled despite the tears, like she'd just heard from him the biggest compliment of all. Well, maybe she had.

"You're my best friend too."

They kissed. Rachel rested her forehead on his and sobbed one last time.

"It'll be OK." He said.

"I know."

They looked at each other and the look in her eyes touched him. It told him yes, it would be OK. Anything could happen to them and it would be OK as long as they had each other.

A few minutes later, he was back with three pregnancy tests and a few minutes after that all of them turned out negative.

"There you go." He told her. "I know these aren't said to be 100% accurate, but you took three, so I guess we can say we're pretty much out of the woods."

She smiled.

"Thank you for being so calm."

"No problem."

"And for not acting all excited too. I know you want this."

He chuckled.

"Can't say I'd hate the idea. But I just want this to happen when we're both ready."

She hugged him really tight for a long time.

"I didn't mean to freak out the other day. I'll be ready, one day. Of course I also think about our future together, how could I not?"

"Yeah?" She nodded. "And what do you think about?"

She broke the hug and smiled at him, still holding on tight to his waist.

"I think about how we're gonna have beautiful kids. And I hope they have your eyes, even though it would make it impossible for me to say no to them."

"So these are like magic eyes? Interesting."

"Like you didn't already know that."

He smiled and they kissed.

"And do you think about maybe staying until the end in your next wedding?"

She smiled brightly and he remembered the day she ran away on her wedding day and walked back into his life at the coffee house, still in her wedding dress and wet from the rain outside. What a sight that was.

"Some day. But let's not rush into anything, Ross. This is perfect as it is."

He nodded.

"OK. No rush."

Back to reality, Ross realized he'd already reached the steps to Phoebe's place and made his way up.

He recalled how Rachel's "someday" had always scared him. There were quite a few times he considered proposing, he'd even bought a ring and everything. But how was he to know that day had come for her? He didn't want to rush her, specially since they had had that conversation, so he knew how she felt about it. He knew she didn't want to feel rushed. And now, there it was, she was being "rushed" by someone else. But she hadn't said no, she had simply requested some time to think.

Ross lowered his head and sighed, reaching his door and unlocking it.

He knew Rachel had changed the past few years, so he didn't know exactly what to expect from her now. And that made him even more uneasy about it.

That night, Ross drank enough wine to help him sleep and prayed for a better tomorrow.

---

This little flashback was to remind you that James might be great with Rachel, but they're not Ross and Rachel! ;)  
The reviews have not been many, but they've all been great! So I would like not to ask for more reviews, but to thank the ones who have taken the time to do so! You guys are awesome and I really appreciate it! See you next chapter!


	12. Chapter 12

**Until It's Gone  
**by Tina

- - -

"So... What do you say, Rach? Will you marry me?"

She parted her lips, but words failed to come out.

The silence was deafening and seemed to go on forever.

"Rach?"

She felt fear in his voice.

"I... Wow." She took a deep breath. "James, I don't know what to say." She said truthfully, in a soft voice.

He went serious and took his time to talk back.

"Then I guess that says it all..."

He looked down and closed the velvet box.

"No, hey." She reached for his hand and held on to it. "It's just taken me by surprise, James. We've been together for like 5 months, it feels a little... soon?"

"Rachel..." He paused briefly. "Honestly, I don't care how long it's been. I'm ready for this, I feel like _we_ are ready for this. And that's all that matters to me."

She smiled softly at him, but it still wasn't enough to make her jump at it.

"I'm sorry, James, I really am. But this is not the kind of decision I can make like this, in a rush." He looked away and took a deep breath. "I just need some time to think about it, OK?"

"Is this about Ross?"

Rachel looked at James sadly and teared up a bit. That question took her back to the night she and Ross had that awful fight that lead to their break up. Why did it always have to be about another guy? At that moment, part of the guilt she was feeling lifted. She needed to think more about herself, it was not just his future there on the line.

"No, James. This is about me. I almost married someone a long time ago and I left him at the altar. You know why?"

"You didn't love him."

"It wasn't that. Not really. Of course I loved Barry, in my own way, back then. I wouldn't have been with him for so long if I didn't. But it wasn't enough. And I know a lot of people get married these days thinking there's always the divorce option if it doesn't work out in the end. But I don't want to be one of those people. I could have married Barry and divorced him and taken a big chunk out of his pockets with me, but I didn't. I bet many people thought that would be what I would do, that's the kind of thing they expected from me. But when I get married and I say my vows, I want to mean them. I don't wanna have divorce on the back of my head and I certainly don't wanna be like my parents."

"We won't be like that, Rach."

"We might not. But-"

"Rachel, I love you." He cut her. "If I said my vows to you right now, I would mean them 100%. I wanna marry you, I wanna have kids, I wanna grow old with you. I thought that's what you wanted too."

Rachel was quiet for a few seconds.

"Gotta say, I imagined proposing to you quite a lot of times and none of them went like this."

Rachel looked up at him and detected a hint of a smile - a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless - and smiled back.

"In your visions did I have crazy hair and morning eyes?"

He shook his head.

"You look beautiful. You always do."

"I kinda smell though, last night I didn't even have time to apply some deodorant."

"Nonsense, you smell great."

He lifted her arm and kissed her armpit playfully. She giggled and pushed him away.

"Oh, James, gross!"

He kissed her shoulders and arms and they hugged.

"I'm not gonna say yes right now, James. But I'm not gonna say no either. I just need some time to think about it."

They broke the hug and looked at each other. He nodded.

"OK. Don't take too long though."

She didn't know if he'd said that playfully or not, but she didn't ask.

"Now how about some real breakfast?" He suggested.

"Sounds good."

She got up and watched as he put the black velvet box in his bedside table drawer.

-

After breakfast, Rachel turned the TV on and pretended to watch a documentary about... whatever. She wasn't paying attention, there was too much to digest. Huh, digest. She thought about the little she had managed to eat that morning and prayed it would stay down.

"I'm gonna stop by the grocery store down the street, do you want something?"

"Nah, I'm good."

"Nothing for your stomach?"

"As long as breakfast stays down I'm good."

"OK, I'll see you later."

And off he went, no goodbye kiss or anything. Rachel watched the door close and the minute he was out she picked up the phone ad called Monica.

"Hello?"

"Monica, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! You are not gonna believe what happened!"

"Oh my God, you slept with Ross!"

"What? Where did you get that from, Monica?"

"Well, it just seemed like something you guys would do!"

"No, we didn't sleep together."

"Then what is it?"

"James proposed."

"What?! Oh, Rach, this is great!"

"No, Monica, this is not great!"

"What's the matter?"

"It's too soon! It is, right?"

"Rachel, you're the only one who can answer that question."

"Monica, it's been like 5 months!"

"Yeah, but you're not getting any younger."

"Thanks, Monica, you're being very helpful." She said sarcastically.

"Sorry. I just can't help but think of Chandler and me. Anyway. What did you tell him?"

"I told him I'd have to think about it. I can't jump at this decision like this Monica, you know how... confused... sort of... I've been lately."

"Wait. So is this about Ross?"

"It's about me, Mon."

"Oh, BS, it's about Ross!"

Rachel went quiet.

"I can't help but wonder, Monica." She said quietly.

"Rachel..."

"And it's not just that." Rachel cut her speech, she knew exactly how it would go anyway. "Monica, you know I always thought Ross and I would end up together, even after everything we went through, until he ended up marrying Emily and agreed never to see me again. See how that turned out. Things don't always go the way you thought they would. And that goes for James too. Sure he's a nice guy and I love him. But do I honestly know him enough to say I wanna spend the rest of my life with him? Who knows what's in store for us!"

"OK, then don't marry him."

"Well, I'm not getting any younger." Rachel half-joked. Both girls were silence for a beat and then laughed together. "No, serious, Mon... I don't know what to do. So I just told him I needed to think about it..."

"Sounds wise."

"Yeah..." Rachel took a deep breath. "Why can't people always be on the same page?"

"Good question, hon. Good question."

Rachel smile.

"He'll get there, Mon." She began, reading her best friend's thoughts.

"I hope so."

There was as moment of silence and Rachel felt a tug in her stomach, a little hint of nausea.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, James keeps thinking I'm pregnant."

"What?"

"Well, last night I felt sick and he's got this idea that I might be pregnant."

"And are you?"

"Of course not, Monica, it was probably just something I ate."

"You do know you can't be 100% sure, right?"

"I know, Mon. But I'm not."

"And what makes you say that?"

"I'm not ready, Mon!" She took a deep breath. "And I know that doesn't make me **not** pregnant, but I don't wanna think about it right now. God, you should have seen the look in James' face. I hate to say this, Mon, but I've been feeling rushed lately. We just met and then we're dating and then we're in this serious relationship and now he can't stop talking about marriage and kids and he's proposed and he thinks I'm pregnant...!"

"Wanna trade places? You can stay with Chandler, I'm sure he'll still take forever to get there."

Rachel chuckled.

"Thanks, but I'll pass."

"Well, tell him that, Rachel."

"Well, I'm afraid he'll... break up with me. And go looking for someone who wants the same things he does."

"Do you really think he would?"

"I know he loves me, Mon. But sometimes I think he might love the idea of getting married and having kids more. And he is quite a catch. Anyone would be lucky to settle down with him. I would be very lucky to say yes and be with him forever."

"But?"

"But I don't know... I'm so confused, Mon."

"I understand. Well, you got time to think. So I suggest you do that."

"I will."

They talked a bit more until Rachel heard keys wriggling on the door.

"He's back, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later, Mon."

"Wait, so how top secret is this?"

"You can tell Phoebe, I'm gonna need a lot of advice in the next few days anyway!"

"Alright then. Take care."

"You too, Mon, thanks!"

"You're welcome, bye."

"Bye."

James walked in and smiled weakly at Rachel, but didn't say anything. He set a couple of plastic bags on the table and started unpacking its contents. One of the items caught her attention.

"What's that?"

"Oh, pregnancy test. I got you this so you can take it if you feel like it. You know, just in case. For fun, or, whatever." Rachel rolled her eyes. "O-kay, can't wait until you get all hormonal."

Rachel shot him another look and he chuckled. Sure the man wouldn't give up, Rachel thought. He might not have gotten a fiancé that day, but he sure as hell was expecting at least a pregnancy out of it.

"Anyway, I gotta cancel our day together. Peter called me, wants me to meet him at at office, said it's urgent."

"Oh, OK."

She bet he was actually making it up. Just as well, she also wanted to spend some time alone.

He got ready within ten minutes and Rachel watched some TV in the living room while he changed. After he left, she couldn't help but slowly turn to face the pregnancy test on the table. She took a deep breath.

"Oh, for God's sake...!" She mumbled, mostly out of frustration with herself.

He grabbed the bag and went into the bathroom.

She opened the package and inspected it. It was pretty much like the one she'd taken one night so long ago with Ross (and the next day again, by herself, just to be sure!). One line, negative. Two lines, positive.

She took a seat in the toilet and realized her hands were shaking a bit. It would make the whole operation a bit harder and possibly more disgusting. She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself. There was really no reason so be so alarmed. They had always been careful and she wasn't even late, her period was supposed to come in just a few days. This was pure and simply James being silly and rushing into conclusions.

Rachel remembered Ben. So long ago, when he was just a baby, she used to be around him all the time, specially after she'd learned of Ross' plans for their future together. She'd made an effort, she'd learned how to change diapers and she'd even been the one to put him to sleep a few times.

But that was such a long time ago, it was like she developed a fear of babies all over again.

'OK, enough.' she thought to herself.

She took the test and set it on the sink. She checked her watch and began pacing around, trying to distract herself. OK, water, she could use some water.

In the kitchen, she got herself a glass of water and drank the whole thing in big gulps. Then she looked at her watch and was frustrated to find out not even a minute had passed.

"Damn it."

She thought about calling someone again, but who would she call? She didn't want to bug Monica again. Phoebe, well, no, Phoebe might scare her with the whole lobsters story again. Chandler? Yeah, right. And Joey? Nah. Joey had been a real pal lately, but he was too in love with James to give her impartial advice.

Ross, she wanted to call Ross. She recalled that night she could have sworn she was pregnant and how calm and supportive he had been, always putting his needs before hers. But no, she couldn't call him, of course. This would really hurt him, she knew it would. She remembered the day she'd found out Emily and Ross were going to get married and how crushed she had been. She didn't want that for Ross.

Lost in her thoughts, it took her still a minute to realize the time was up, she could go and check on her test. Holding her breath, she approached the sink and took a peek.

One line.

---

You guys are amazing, thank you so much for the kind words! And don't apologize for long reviews, those are my favorite ones! The things you guys tell me make me think and really help me out having ideas and developing this whole thing! I pretty much know where this is going, but it's still good to have your input, you guys see stuff that sometimes I may not see :) So thank you very much! See you next chapter!


	13. Chapter 13

**Until It's Gone  
by Tina**

- - -

A few days later, Ross and Monica were walking together to the movie theater. They were gonna watch a big blockbuster with explosions and a lot of violence, something to try and get his mind out of things.

"Anyway, I guess I can move in in a couple of weeks or maybe even sooner. It'll be nice to have some space for myself again and I bet Phoebe and her dates feel the same way."

"Nonsense, Ross, she said it's been a real pleasure helping out a friend."

Ross nodded, appreciating the great friends he'd made along the way.

"Yeah, you guys have been great through this whole thing." He looked up at his sister and smiled. "Thanks." Truthfulness was transparent in his voice.

"As Phoebe put it, it's a pleasure, bro."

He put his arm around her.

"As long as you don't meet any more british girls and go ditching us for them again." She only half joked.

Ross nodded and looked down.

"I've learned my lesson, don't worry." He took a deep breath and looked at his sister. "I should have known, though." His voice was quiet, ashamed.

"What?"

"Back then, when I was with Emily... I should have known better. I mean, the pierced ear and all... it wasn't me. Asking a woman to marry me after 6 weeks together? It's reckless. That's not me."

"It's... romantic. And that is you." She paused. "I mean, it's stupid, sure. But pretty romantic too."

Ross chuckled and nodded.

"Right."

Monica watched him.

"You asked her to marry you because you were scared, didn't you? Because of what had happened between you and Rachel."

Ross looked at her for a while before answering.

"I really cared about Emily, specially at first. She was fun and she brought up this whole adventurous side of me. But... Yeah. I rushed into it because I was scared. I didn't want to miss my chance, like I had with Rachel."

"Ross... What made you think you'd lost your chance with Rachel?"

Ross looked around, visibly uncomfortable.

"I'd hurt her too bad, Mon. Even after we tried to get back together, at the beach house, I lied to her and we had that fight again and then we were seeing other people and she was chasing after that client of hers..."

Monica watched him and shook her head.

"If only you'd known."

"Known what?"

Monica looked down.

"This is between you and Rachel, Ross. Besides, it doesn't even matter anymore, I suppose."

Ross froze and swallowed hard.

"I guess that means she's agreed to marry James, then?"

"Well, no. She hasn't given him an answer yet. In fact, he went back to the Hamptons yesterday, gonna stay there a while, working. I guess some space is gonna do them some good."

"Right."

A silence followed.

"Can I just ask you one thing?"

"Sure." He answered uncertainly.

"Do you really think that what you did to her on your anniversary was justified? That you were 'on a break'?"

"No." He answered quietly.

"Then I don't get it."

"Monica, I-" His voice sounded inpatient and hostile, more than it should. Ross calmed himself, his sister just wanted to understand. "The reason I can't bring myself to say that what I did was wrong is that it is too much for me to admit, not only to everyone but mostly to myself, that I brought this on myself. That I'm to blame for us breaking up. That I, Ross Geller, who have dreamed about the day Rachel Green would look my way for so many years, have cheated on her. I'm not a cheater, Monica. You know that."

"Yes, I do know that. Which is why it's so hard for me to understand why that happened. We all thought you guys were gonna get married, we even had a bet going back then. Phoebe was sure you were gonna propose that night."

Ross looked down and took a deep breath.

"I was."

Monica froze in her spot.

"What?"

Ross stopped walking and turned around to face Monica.

"Whatever, Monica."

"Oh my God, this is huge!"

Ross made a face and looked up. This was killing him.

"I thought the whole point of tonight was to take my mind out of this."

"I'm sorry. OK. Let's just change the subject."

"Thanks."

"But for what is worth, don't beat yourself up. Sure what you did was wrong, but she was also to blame for the breakup. You both were."

Ross looked at her and nodded.

"Thanks."

"And just one more thing."

"What?"

"In case you're wondering, she's not pregnant."

"OK."

He tried to sound nonchalant, but he couldn't help but smile a little to himself.

A few quiet steps later, they reached the movie theater and got in line. Monica was checking out the times while Ross looked around.

"Hey, isn't that Rachel's old boyfriend?"

"Who?"

"That guy I just mentioned, Rachel's old client at Bloomingdale's."

"Oh, right, Joshua."

Joshua turned around and noticed them right when both were looking at him, which made impossible for him to ignore them. He waved and approached them.

"Hey, Monica. And..."

"Ross."

"Right, Ross. How are you guys?"

"Good, came up to catch a movie, "The Matrix". You?"

"Yeah, same. Supposed to be a good action-slash-sci-fi movie, so I was told."

"Good."

"Yeah, so... So how's Rachel?"

"Good, she's doing good."

"Married yet?" Joshua asked, with something Ross almost called a smirk.

The question confused him and he and turned to face Monica, who was giving Joshua a not so friendly smile.

"If you must know, her boyfriend's just asked her to marry him."

"Good, that's good for her. Anyway, gotta go now, my date's just arrived. Send Rachel my best regards."

"Sure will, bye."

Ross noticed fake enthusiasm in his sister's voice and decided not to say anything until Joshua was out of earshot.

"What was that about?"

"That guy, I'll tell you...! Seemed like a good guy at first, but then..."

"Monica, what was that about, why did he ask you if Rachel had gotten married yet?"

Monica looked at her brother for a few seconds and took a deep breath.

"OK, I don't think I'm really supposed to tell you this, but... After you and Emily decided to get married, Rachel sort of... asked Joshua to marry her."

"What?"

"Yeah. Long story short, he freaked out and that's why they broke up."

"But they'd been on just a few dates!"

"Yeah, like four or something."

"Is she crazy?"

"Oh, and I suppose you're the one to talk?"

"Hey, it was different. And - "

"Ross, she was hurting, OK? I'm not saying this was her brightest move, but she was really upset, over you, so I forbid you to judge her."

Ross went quiet and looked down.

"I'm not judging I'm just..." He looked around and put a hand on his forehead. "What else is there that I don't know?"

"I think I've already said more than I should have."

"Monica-"

"Ross," She cut him. "if you want answers, then talk to her, OK?"

He bit his bottom lip and nodded.

"OK."

-

After what Monica had told him, he'd gotten a bit scared to really talk to Rachel again. Was there more that he didn't know about?

He still couldn't believe she had asked Joshua to marry her. How ironic that now she was making James wait for an answer.

He'd been busy the past few days, which helped him not thinking too much about Rachel. Work had been hectic, plus he was beginning to pack up again and then there was Ben... One day it was inevitable, though. He was having a cup of coffee by himself at Central Perk when Rachel walked in.

"Oh, hey, Ross."

"Hey, Rach." He looked up from his newspaper and smiled at her. His eyes couldn't help but search for her ring finger, which was, thankfully, still naked.

"Where's everyone?"

"Beats me. I've been here for like half an hour and no one's dropped by yet."

"Huh."

She took a seat on the arm chair and just looked at him for a while.

"So Jake tells me everything went fine between you guys and that he's already all moved out."

"Yeah, I'm moving in next week."

"That's great, Ross, I'm happy everything worked out."

"Well, I got you to thank for that, right?"

"Just trying to help."

"Well, you did. So thanks."

They smiled at each other.

"So how have you been?", she asked. "Haven't seen you in a while."

"OK. Not much to say. Between work, Ben and all the moving there isn't much time for anything else. You?"

Rachel bit her lip and Ross could tell the things going on through her head. She didn't want to tell him about the proposal, it was written all over her face.

"Been good. Work's going well and hm... not much else to say, really."

Ross smiled weakly and nodded.

"Monica told me about the proposal."

Rachel bit her lip again.

"Oh, did she?"

"Well, I kinda walked in when she was telling Phoebe, so it's not really her fault."

Rachel looked at him and Ross felt sweetness in her eyes.

"And...?" She urged him for some advice. He was still her friend, after all.

"And you should do what you think is right, Rach."

Rachel nodded slowly.

"Right."

"I mean... He's a good guy."

Rachel looked down.

"Right." This time she said it quietly.

"But if you don't wanna marry him, then I'm sure someone else will come along."

She looked up at him and looked serious.

"People make it sound like it's so easy to meet good guys out there. And they say things like 'oh, you deserve this' and 'oh, you deserve that'. But it's not that easy. Meeting anyone, yeah, that's easy. But meeting someone who's really worth it? No, that's not easy."

"We can be a real pain on the ass, huh?"

Rachel looked at him and couldn't help but smile.

"You sure can."

He smiled back.

"Rach..." Ross trailed off, but then continued. "So are you saying that you're thinking about marrying him because he's a good guy?"

"He's everything I've ever wanted in a man."

He felt a stab, but continued.

"Then why are you still thinking about it?"

Rachel looked down. After a few seconds she looked up again.

"I'm not sure we're on the same page. Besides, I can't help but wonder."

"Wonder what?"

"I think you know what."

His heart began beating fast.

A short silence followed, neither knowing what to say. Rachel broke the silence.

"Besides... It feels a bit rushed. And you sorta taught us all a lesson, Ross."

"Glad my marriage had a purpose, after all."

They smiled sadly at each other.

"Rach..."

"Yeah?"

"Can I just say something?"

"Please."

"Think about what you have. I mean, really think about it. Because I gotta tell you, what they say is true. You don't know what you have until it's gone. And then it might be too late."

He noticed her eyes tearing up, but she casually brushed her tears away.

"Thanks, Ross."

---

I have mixed feelings about this, I really do :( But it's necessary to get where I want. The whole Joshua thing was unexpected, but I was watching the 4th season today and I remembered him. I had totally forgotten Rachel had asked him to marry her! And it seemed pretty important, so I decided to add it here. Anyway, hope you guys liked it! Also hope you had a wonderful Christmas and that you have a great new year! I'll probably take a week of two off from writing now, I'll be pretty busy. But I promise to write more as soon as I can! Thanks for reading!


	14. Chapter 14

**Until It's Gone**  
by Tina

- - -

Rachel couldn't shake Ross' words out of her head. _Too late_. He thought it was too late for them, didn't he? Sure they had been talking about Rachel and James, but it was pretty obvious it was actually about Ross and Rachel. And now he thought it was time for her to move on. To say yes to James and live happily ever after. Wasn't that what he'd just said to her?

It was mighty big of him, Rachel had to admit it. She knew he still loved her, it was pretty clear by now. Yet he was putting her happiness before his, telling her to go ahead and be happy and don't mind him. Even after what she'd told him, about how she couldn't help but wonder…

How much Ross had changed, she thought. Sure he'd always been the responsible one in the group, but she also knew how selfish he could be. Oh, yes, that she sure did.

"...and he's like the chosen one to stop it or something. It sounds like just another guy movie, but it was actually pretty interesting." Ross was babbling, after their little awkward moment.

"Right."

"Oh, and guess who we ran into there?"

"Who?"

"Joshua."

"Joshua who?"

He paused for a moment and she noticed the look into his eyes, as if he was watching her reactions closely.

"Your ex-boyfriend."

"Oh." She paused. "Well, if you can call him that."

"Why wouldn't you?"

Rachel casually ran a hand through her hair and sighed.

"I know I tried to make it seem like we had this big relationship going, to try and get even with you, like we were competing against each other or something. But there was not much to it, really. We just went on those four dates and had a good time, but that was pretty much it."

Ross looked down and Rachel looked curious. Why was he acting weird? What did he know?

"Well, Monica told me you uh…"

"Right." Rachel cut him. She knew there was something to it.

"So is it true?"

She looked down and up at him quickly.

"Why would Monica lie about it?"

"But it's so... it's so un-you, Rach."

Rachel chuckled, when she was actually holding back tears.

"And what _is_ me, Ross?"

"I..." He trailed off and they simply looked at each other for a while. "I don't know."

She broke the eye contact and looked around. She thought hard about his answer.

"I guess that was always one of our biggest problems."

He didn't know her, sometimes.

He didn't know she liked him back when he was with Julie. He didn't know she wasn't interested in Mark when they were together. He didn't know she still loved him all those years they were apart and that she was aching so badly when he got married.

He didn't know how she felt that exact moment, how she was aching once again.

When she looked back at him he was still looking at her.

"Well, it's a good thing he said no." He said.

She nodded.

"Yeah." She sipped her coffee and rested against the pillow behind her. "It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, though. I do wish I could take it back."

Ross kept watching her and she could feel his loving eyes on her.

"He never deserved you in the first place, Rach. And you sure don't deserve these jerk guys that keep going your way." He paused. "Well, kept going your way." He corrected himself.

Rachel parted her lips to say something, but she was interrupted by Chandler and Joey walking into Central Perk.

"I am telling you, man, I can totally take her roommate out without her ever finding out! They barely even speak to each other anyway! Joana works nights and Kate works mornings! It's the perfect plan!" Joey was saying.

Ross and Rachel turned around to face them.

"Always the gentleman, Joey."

Joey cleared his throat.

"Hey, Rach, Ross."

"Well, I was just on my way out anyway. I'll see you guys some other time."

"Hey, sorry! But it's not like I said I was gonna take them both out at the same day!"

Rachel shot him a thoughtful look.

"It's nothing personal, Joe. I just got a headache, that's all."

She gathered up her things and left.

-

She ended up taking a cab to James' apartment. She knew Joey was gonna have a date that evening and she wanted to give him some privacy. She opened the door and breathed in deeply. The apartment was quiet and dark, just like she wanted it. She noticed his answering machine was blinking, but decided not to play the messages. If there was something important in there she would then have to call him and she wasn't in the mood for that. They hadn't spoken since he'd left to the Hampton's again and Rachel liked it that way. It gave her room to think.

It was good to have his place, though. It was like when she was going out with Ross and she would run away from her reality with him, to his apartment. She felt like a different person when she was there. She wasn't just a 20-something-girl hanging out with her friends and having a great time in NYC. She was a grown up woman in a mature relationship, with duties and responsibilities, in a sophisticated metropolitan city.

She took a long shower and changed into comfortable clothes. Then she poured herself a glass of wine and sat on her side of the bed with a book in hands. She stared into space, thinking. Thinking about what Ross had said, about James, about what Monica had said and about her own feelings. Weren't they what mattered the most? At least that's what people say, right? That's what people say when things are fairly easy.

Without thinking, she reached across the bed, opened James' bedside table drawer and pulled the black velvet box from inside. She opened it and was once again stunned by the beauty of the ring her boyfriend had chosen for her. She'd always been an admirer of luxury; it had never been a secret. And James had always had the will and the means to give it to her, through gifts that never failed to demonstrate his impeccable taste.

She put it on and it fit perfectly. She admired her hand, stretching her arm as far as it would go. It went well with that nail polish color, she noticed. But then again she bet it would go well with any color, or no color at all. It was just one of those accessories that went with everything and that excited her a bit. Except she knew it wasn't just an accessory. It was a vow.

It was a beautiful ring, no doubt about it. She took it off and a tear rolled down her cheek. Soon it was back inside the box and carefully stored into James' neat drawer.

Rachel rested her face on the soft pillow and recalled another ring, at another time. She didn't allow herself to think about it very often, but she owed it to herself that night. She had to open up all of her can of worms to finally make a decision.

It was Christmas time. Ross, Rachel, Monica and Chandler had come to spend a few days in Long Island with the Gellers. The invitation had been extended to the others, but Phoebe was volunteering in a shelter and Joey was spending the Holidays with his large family in Queens.

Earlier that day, Rachel and Ross had spent some time with Sandra and Leonard Green, separately, which always made them quite exhausted. Rachel, in particular, was feeling quite gloomy and tired that evening. She sat on the couch and watched the Christmas tree lights blinking in a soothing rhythm. On the background, she could hear Monica and Mrs. Geller on the kitchen, making eggnog. Ross was on the phone, wishing Ben a Merry Christmas and promising to see him the next day, and Chandler and Mr. Geller played chess nearby.

She took a deep breath and released some of her gloom when she breathed out. This was perfection. She had always held a special kind of fondness for Monica's family and now they were kind of like her family too.

Rachel couldn't help but think about her life. Isn't that what people are supposed to do on the Holidays, as a new year approaches?

She had just got a new job at Fortunata Fashion. It wasn't going as well as she'd expected, but she still hoped it would get better, that she would be surprised. Life had been like that for her lately, filled with great surprises. Fortunately for her, the office closed for the Holidays. It was the bright side of it, she thought. After two years and a half working at the coffee shop, which almost never closed, she'd learned not to take special occasions with loved ones for granted.

Then there was her said loved ones, her great friends and, of course, Ross. They hadn't been together for that long, their first year anniversary was still months away. Yet, she felt closer to him than she had with any other boyfriend she'd had before. The fact he'd been one of her best friends even before he was her boyfriend only made things better. Most of the time she didn't have to pick between being with her friends and being with her boyfriend. Things were so easy and so good then.

She took her last deep breath. She was cleansed from all the gloom now, only love and appreciation left inside. She was doing well, she was in the right track. She would be OK. Hell, she was OK. Ross hung up the phone and looked her way. And then she knew she was more than OK. They smiled at each other.

"How's Ben?"

"Not sure how well he understands it's me on the other side of the phone, but he seems to be fine."

She patted on a spot next to her on the couch and he joined her. She leaned closer and kissed him, a soft and loving kiss. He put his arm around her and she stroked his cheek. After a few seconds, they parted and looked at each other.

"You OK?" He asked.

She nodded, kissed him again and rested her cheek against his chest.

"I'm just really tired."

"Then get some rest. Tomorrow will be a long day. Do you wanna go upstairs?"

"Not yet."

"OK."

A few minutes went by like this. Rachel closed her eyes and enjoyed his warmth. She could still hear Judy and Monica bickering on the kitchen, as well as Chandler and Jack's awkward small talk. It made her smile.

Perfection indeed.

"Aw, look at you two. Is she asleep?"

Rachel recognized the voice as Judy's, but she was too tired to respond.

"I don't know. But she said she doesn't want to go up just yet, so I'll give her some time. She's tired."

"I bet she is. How was it with her parents?"

"Well, you know..."

"Yes. Yes, I know. Poor thing." Judy took a deep breath. "Care for some eggnog, son?"

"Sure."

She felt Ross moving very softly and very carefully, trying not to disturb her in her presumed sleep.

"So... how's it going with the two of you?"

There was a brief pause.

"Good. It's been really good."

She could hear the smile on his voice.

"Who would say, huh?"

"No one."

She felt soft strokes on her hair and it made her relax even more. She almost smiled again, but it required from her more than she was physically capable of giving at the moment.

"Ten years later, the science geek gets the popular cheerleader." Ross mused.

"Oh, you're not a science geek, Ross. Well, not anymore."

Ross chuckled softly.

"And she's not a cheerleader."

"You don't say..." Judy mocked him.

"No, I mean... Honestly, mom..." He trailed off and took a breath. "Before Rachel and I got together for real, part of me kind of feared that maybe it was just a boyish thing, a crush that comes back for all the superficial reasons and that eventually... I would learn that I didn't love her, but the idea of her. That she's not what I wanted, not what I thought she would be. I used to idolize her. It's a lot to live up to, you know?"

"But she did." Judy completed his thoughts.

"More than that. She showed me she's better than I thought she was." Rachel's heart melted hearing those things, but she let him go on. "She seems like she's superficial and materialistic at times, I know that's what people think of her. But, mom, she's got such a big heart."

"Yes. I always knew Rachel was a very special girl. Not everyone would be friends with a girl like Monica all through high school when they were so different. Specially considering she was so popular and Monica… hm, wasn't."

"That's true. That always kind of gave me hope maybe I could dream about the two of us together."

"But reality's better."

"Way better. She makes me feel..." He trailed off, in a loss of words. "You know?"

"I know."

There was a quiet moment.

"I'm really happy for you, son."

"Thanks, Mom. I'm pretty damn happy myself."

The moment was broken by the sound of glass hitting the floor. Rachel startled and came out of her superficial sleep.

"Sorry, every one, my fault!"

"Oh, Jack! No more scotch for you, Mister."

Rachel saw Mrs. Geller standing up from her spot on the couch across from them to attend to the mess, but Monica was already on to it, armed with paper towels. Upon seeing that, Judy turned around to face them again and noticed Rachel was up.

"Oh, you're up, darling."

"Yeah, it was the noise." She looked at Ross. "I'm gonna go upstairs now."

"OK, I'll join you, let's go. Goodnight everyone!"

They all said their goodnights and Ross and Rachel started walking up the stairs hand in hand.

"You know... That little nap kinda woke me up." She said to him with a suggestive look in her eyes.

He smiled brightly.

"Yeah?"

She nodded.

"I think we can come up with a thing or two to do then."

She stopped as they were almost all the way up the stairs and turned to face him. She was one step ahead of him, which made her taller, almost as tall as him. She smiled and kissed him again, with much more intensity than before.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. He gladly accepted her sweet gesture and, in turn, stroked her back softly. She rubbed herself lightly against him and let out a very soft moan, showing her growing arousal.

She loved those lips so much. Ross was a great kisser; there were days kissing him was all she could think about. Really. He was also great at everything else, she was well aware of that, but there was something so incredibly intimate and loving about his kisses that she couldn't describe it.

"Ross?"

From the bottom of the stairs, Judy Geller's voice pulled them from their private blissful moment. They broke the kiss and looked at each other. Ross groaned very softly, just for Rachel, who smiled.

"Yes, mother?"

"Could you just come down here for a moment before you go into the bedroom? I need some help with something."

"Sure." He turned to Rachel. "You go ahead, I'll be right in."

"OK."

They kissed softly and parted ways.

Ross went down the stairs and Rachel walked up the finals steps to his bedroom. She opened the door and looked around. It was the same as she remembered it from those times she walked past it when she came over to hang out with Monica so many years ago.

Rachel took off her earrings and stepped off her shoes. Then she remembered, damn, she still had to take her pill that night. She looked around and couldn't find a glass to pour some water inside, so she took a deep breath and left the room again.

Downstairs, Monica and Chandler were now watching a Christmas movie on TV while Jack Geller snored loudly next to them. He was pretty drunk alright. Rachel smiled at them and walked towards the kitchen. As she approached the door, though, she noticed it was open and that Judy and Ross were in there. She just watched them for a minute. Their talk seemed to be very sweet and serious, like the one they were having before. She got curious. It probably concerned her again. And she'd already heard half their talk already anyway. Why not?

She came closer and stood by the door way on the outside, unnoticed, trying to overhear their conversation.

"...and honestly I feel like I haven't seen you like this even when you were with Carol."

"I guess it's true."

"Well... I know this may seem kind of rushed, but..."

There was a pause.

"Wow. Mom, is that what I think it is?"

"Your grandmother's ring, I want you to have it. I want you to give it to Rachel."

Rachel gasped inaudibly and stepped away from the door. Her head was spinning a little. Marriage, really? Now? Already? Oh my God, what if he proposed to her the next day, on Christmas morning? What was she gonna say? Could she even act surprised? Would she freak out? OK, too late, she was already freaking out.

She rubbed her temples and approached the TV area. Monica noticed her.

"You OK, Rach?"

"What?"

"You seem kinda tense. What happened?"

"Nothing! Nothing."

Monica and Chandler exchanged looks and Ross stepped out of the kitchen with Judy.

"Oh, hey, what are you doing down here?" He asked her.

"Oh. I- I just need some water."

"OK, I'll get you some." Ross offered, with so much tenderness in his eyes it broke Rachel a little.

But despite herself, she smiled.

"Thanks."

He came back with a tall glass of water a few seconds later, grabbed her hand and said goodnight to everyone again.

They went up the stairs with linked hands, only this time he was walking a few steps ahead. Rachel could feel his smile, even though she couldn't see his face. She stared at the steps, starting to get a little numb.

He opened the door and she went inside. She reached for her pill of the day and swallowed it with big gulps of water. The second she put the glass down, she felt Ross lips on her neck and his arms around her, grabbing her from behind. He kissed her just like she liked it and his hands were both gentle and aggressive. She had to admit it felt pretty great.

"Are you sure about doing it here?"

"Why not? Having second thoughts now, Ms. Green?"

Her breathing got shallower as his hands got bolder.

"I'm just saying, it's your parents' place, they're under the same roof..."

"Honey, they know we have sex, they even put us in the same room. And I bet my Mom's already praying for grandchildren."

"Grandchildren? What??"

Ross chuckled at her reaction and turned her around and reached for her lips. Rachel instantly melted under his kiss and felt all logical thoughts dissolve. He pulled her towards him with such force it was like he was trying to fund them into one. Her knees were going a little weak and she ran her hands lazily across his broad back.

"Don't freak out, Rach." He whispered into her ear. "It'll be OK."

Rachel nodded.

"I know."

She stroked his hair softly and they kissed again. She closed her eyes and let herself go. It was time for her to stop being so scared. After all, this was it. She knew it, just like he did. Marriage and kids were naturally the next steps. She smiled and welcomed the ideas.

She wasn't sure she was ready for it, but then again she wondered if anyone ever was. If she didn't feel completely sure with Ross, she probably never would. But if anyone would be a great husband for her and great father for her kids, that person was him. So that was it.

Yes. It would be OK, she could do this. She would say yes when he proposed and she wouldn't freak out. Well, she would try not to, anyway. Maybe it was better that she knew before, she could come to this realization by herself and be ready for it, ready to answer him without missing a beat. He deserved that.

-

The next day, she woke up with a big smile on her face. She turned around to find Ross still sleeping. She rolled closer to him and wrapped an arm around him, kissing his naked back. He stirred and she softly and slowly scratched his chest with her long fingernails.

"Wake up, you." She purred into his ear.

He opened a big smile.

"Good morning."

"Great morning." She corrected him.

He turned around and they smiled at each other.

"Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you too."

"What time is it?" He asked, sinking in the valley between her left shoulder and her neck.

"Almost nine." She answered between giggles, she was pretty ticklish.

He stopped kissing her and checked his own watch to be sure.

"We slept for 10 hours?"

"Well, not really." She answered provocatively, smiling at him.

He smiled back at her and they kissed softly.

"OK, we have to get up to the Geller Update now." He said, already getting out of bed.

Rachel watched him get dressed with a funny look in her face.

"I'm sorry, we have to get up for what?"

"You know, the Geller Update. Every year on Christmas morning, at 9am sharp, we share our year's events, we update each other."

Rachel threw him a doubtful look, but he just nodded.

"But you see Monica everyday. And you talk to your mom like three times a week. Actually, make that three times a day."

Ross shot her a look.

"OK, don't start."

Rachel smiled.

"Alright. I was just hoping, you know, for a little Christmas present before we had to go downstairs…!" She said giving him an innocent look, yet at the same time lowering the sheets, which were the only thing covering her.

Ross froze, watching her, and for a beat she thought he would give him. But then he looked into her eyes and shook his head.

"You're good. Come on, Rach, get ready. Whoever's late has to transcript the whole thing. There was a reminder of it on the latest "The Geller Yeller"; I thought I'd given you a copy."

Rachel took a deep breath but couldn't help but smile. She really did love this geeky family.

Downstairs, everyone else was already gathered around the Christmas tree. Ross and Rachel joined them and said their good mornings and merry Christmases. The updates were made and no big news was revealed, just like Rachel expected. But it was still fun to hear everyone's year in retrospect, including her own.

It was hard to believe that one year before she had spent Christmas mad at Ross for that stupid list. She watched him and smiled, she now actually understood the list. She had flaws and it was good that he knew them from the beginning. He still loved her. And from the talk she'd overheard the previous night, she'd done well showing she was more than that, as a friend and as a lover.

Later, while exchanging gifts, Judy Geller hugged Rachel very tight and whispered softly.

"You're like the daughter I never had, Rachel. May this be the first of many Christmases we'll spend together."

They looked at each other and Rachel couldn't help but tear up, all the while smiling.

"You know how much I love your son, right?" Rachel whispered back.

Judy nodded.

"I know."

Rachel brushed her tears away and went to sit down next to Ross again. Ross looked at her quizzically while she unwrapped her present.

"What's wrong?"

She smiled at him.

"Nothing." She said simply, with genuine happiness in her eyes.

He leaned closer to her and they kissed softly. After they broke, they kept staring at each other and their look turned into a serious one. Her heart began beating very fast, very aware that he had a ring and that he could propose at any time. A little voice inside of her kept screaming "Yes! A thousand times yes!".

But Ross never proposed. Not on Christmas morning and not ever.

Shortly after the holidays, she got her new job, they started fighting, their anniversary came and… Yes, the proposal never came. At one point she'd even began wondering if what she had seen had been real, if Judy had in fact given Ross the ring.

In James' apartment, Rachel took a deep breath and realized she was crying. She dried her tears with her fingertips and made up her mind.

Determined, she stood up and decided to take matters into her own hands that very moment. She wouldn't wait for her future anymore. If anything, this whole story with Ross had taught her sometimes if you just wait around for something, it may never happen. Sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands and make your own fate.

She grabbed her keys and left the apartment.

-

Sorry it's taken me so long to update. 2010 is turning out to be a very busy year for me, in every sense. Which is actually good for me, so I'm not gonna complain. But I gave you a very long and juicy chapter to make up for that, right? Filled with R&R goodness!! I've already planned the rest of the story and we have four chapters to go now, including the epilogue. Aw, sad. But if I continue to write, I do have a project or two that I may start, but I'm not gonna swear I'll get to them. It's been fun, but as you can see it's been hard to conciliate writing and real life :( Anyway. This is it for now, hope you like it and review if you can ;)


	15. Chapter 15

**Until It's Gone  
**By Tina

- - -

Ross was in his and Phoebe's apartment, once again packing. It had become a habit, he thought, while elaborating a geeky joke involving nomads. Monica was gladly helping him, happy to be able to use her brand new labeler for the very first time - she knew it would be useful, sooner or later. She had met her brother at the coffee place shortly after Rachel had left and had practically dragged him to get to work. Her enthusiasm hadn't surprised Ross, who was already expecting it after he'd heard of her new purchase.

They decided to take a break, Monica went to make them some tea while Ross kept himself busy looking through an old photo album he'd just found among his possessions. Phoebe entered the apartment.

"Hey guys!"

"Hey, Phoebs."

"Oh, no, you're packing already."

Ross smiled at Phoebe and appreciation was clear in his eyes.

"Yeah. I can move in into my new apartment in a few days, so…"

"Well, I'm gonna miss you, Dino Guy!"

Ross smiled again and they hugged. After they broke, Phoebe noticed the photo album.

"What's that?"

"An old photo album I found in my stuff."

"Uh, can I see it?"

"Sure."

"Hey, Ross, chamomile or peppermint?" Monica asked.

"Chamomile."

Phoebe picked up the album and smiled.

"Ohh, Ben! He was so cute!"

Ross shot her a playful look.

"What, and he's not cute anymore?"

"Well, since you asked…"

She trailed off and Ross shot her a look. Phoebe giggled.

"I'm just kidding!" She took a seat and continued looking through the photos. "Ahh, Rachel's two-parties birthday. Man, that was a fun night."

Ross chuckled.

"Easy for you to say, you didn't have to deal with her dad the whole night long."

"Oh, I would have loved to deal with her dad alllllll night long." Phoebe said in a sexy voice, which creeped Ross out a bit.

"OK, ew."

"Ohh, the weekend you guys spent in Atlantic City!" She looked up from the photos. "I hope there are no rated Polaroids here, Ross!"

Ross rolled his eyes at her. Monica joined them with two big cups of tea.

"What are you guys looking at?"

Phoebe showed Monica a picture.

"Look at how cute they were."

Monica smiled very weakly, Ross noticed.

"Yeah. Yes, they were."

Silence followed. Phoebe went back to looking at the photos and Monica and Ross looked at each other. As in a cue, Monica's phone broke the silence, startling her a bit.

"Oh, Jesus." She mumbled to herself while she picked it up. She looked at the screen and then pressed the "talk" button. "Hey, Rach, what's up?"

Monica walked towards the kitchen counter and kept her back to Ross, who kept watching her anyway, hoping to catch something.

"Awww, Ben looks so cute dressed up as a cave baby!"

Ross fought the urge to shush his friend. But only a second later, Monica hung up and joined them again.

"What did she want?" Phoebe asked casually and Ross loved her for asking.

However, Monica looked at Ross in a way that showed him he had no reason to be glad. She took a breath and Phoebe looked up, curious by the sudden tension.

"Well, she just called to say she's on her way to the Hamptons. Said we'll talk later, didn't give me any details. Just wanted to let me know where she'll be."

"Oh my God." Phoebe couldn't hold it in. "Does that mean what I think it means?"

"Well, she didn't really tell me." Monica said, trying to act like maybe it wasn't a big deal.

Ross thought about what he'd said to her earlier that day and felt a punch in his stomach. The harder part was to admit the invisible fist hitting him was his own.

"It's a pretty clear message though." He commented.

"Hey, how are you?" Monica asked.

Ross nodded and took a seat, taking his time to answer his sister.

"I actually talked to her today about this. Told her to take into consideration what she has and how sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone, and then it might be too late. I don't know, something like that. I guess she heard me."

Monica sat down next to him and stroked his arm.

"Will you freak out again if I offer to make some fudge?"

Ross looked at her and chuckled sadly.

"No, I won't freak out. And, yeah, I guess fudge would be nice. I could use some pity food."

"Oh yay, we can make a girls' night of it!" Phoebe exclaimed giddily, earning looks from both Ross and Monica. "Except you're not a girl. I know that. But still! We can bitch about relationships and eat crappy food, and that's the definition of a girls' night to me!"

Ross looked at Monica, who nodded.

"Well, it is true."

Ross chuckled again. Monica kept watching him and he knew she could see the sadness he was trying to conceal.

"Hey, Ross, I just want you to know… I know it seems like we're being harsh on you guys and all, but… When you fight and break up and stuff… It hurts us too. And I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes, but deep down we all rooted for you two."

"Yeah. I mean, you guys are lobsters after all." Phoebe added.

Ross nodded.

"Thanks."

"You can cry if you want." Monica suggested.

"Don't push it."

"OK."

Ross went quiet, he couldn't help but let his mind wander through his memories. Phoebe and Monica exchanged looks.

"What are you thinking about?" Phoebe asked.

"I was just… remembering this day at the coffee shop, right after I married Emily, when Rachel told me she was still in love with me." He said in a rather quiet voice.

Phoebe looked at Monica.

"OK, there isn't time for fudge. There's ice cream in the fridge, and it's the really good kind too!"

Monica nodded and went into the kitchen to pick it up. Ross watched them.

"Girls are weird." He commented.

Phoebe shot him a look.

"Only because men are jerks."

"OK. I deserved that."

"Yeah, you did. Rachel gained 3 pounds each time you guys broke up."

"Did she?"

"Yeah. She had to jog around a lot to burn that off."

"She always looked so unaffected to me."

Phoebe and Monica exchanged looks again and shook their heads.

"Men! Of course she did. What else did you expect, Ross? Did you think she was gonna show you how defeated she was? I mean, most of the time she didn't even show it to us! Let alone to you." Phoebe continued.

"Yeah. Rachel's stubborn. And damn strong, I'll give her that." Monica added. "I'll never know how she went back to being friends with you after the whole Chloe thing. Sorry."

"Uh, Chloe. That really hurt her bad." Phoebe agreed.

Ross was feeling like the smallest person in the whole damn world.

"Way to make me feel better, girls."

"Sorry. We're just highlighting how strong she is."

"Yeah, girls stick together!"

"I thought you said the whole break up thing was not just my fault." Ross said to Monica.

"Well, yeah. But that doesn't make you sleeping with someone else any less painful to her. Even if you were broken up or on a break or whatever, it still hurt her pretty bad, Ross."

"Yeah. Remember how sad she was when Paolo hit on me?" Phoebe asked. Ross nodded, and she continued. "She didn't even love Paolo." She said simply, making her point.

Ross took a deep breath.

"OK, so long story short, thank God she's with James now, huh? Perfect James with his big fancy apartment and great job and great looks who's everything she's ever wanted in a man." He concluded.

Monica took a deep breath and hugged Ross. Phoebe joined them. After a minute, they broke.

"I'm just so, so sick of life and this little dance Rachel and I keep doing. There's always something in the way. A Barry, a Paolo, a Julie, an Emily… I can't believe about a year ago she was telling me she was in love with me and I couldn't say it back because I had a wife… and now _I_ wanna say it to her, but she's gonna be someone else's wife."

Monica nodded.

"I know. I'm sorry."

Ross looked down and took a seat.

"No, I'm sorry." He took a deep breath. "I'm happy for her. I am. Sure, I'm devastated for me, but I'm happy for her. This is what she deserves. A guy like James and a life I'm sure he'll provide her. This… this is good."

"OK, Ross? Sure, he's a great guy and he can give Rachel a lot, I'm not questioning that. But don't put yourself down, OK? When she was with you, she was really happy too. I'm sure you'll also find someone, if you just open yourself up and realize you're a great catch. And, please, mourn. Do it now or you'll spend years trying to deal with it. Don't say it's good. It stinks!"

"Yeah, it _really_ stinks!" Phoebe chipped in.

Ross took a deep breath and looked at the girls. He smiled very sadly.

"Will you join me on the ice cream then?"

They smiled at him.

"Hell yeah!"

They grabbed spoons and began eating in silence. Ross' mind wandered.

"Can I ask you guys something?"

"Sure."

"When Rachel went to London… She didn't go because she felt bad missing my wedding, did she?"

"No. No, she didn't."

"I keep thinking if I would have said the right name if she hadn't shown up. And if things would have been any different with Emily because of that."

"And?"

"I don't think it would have changed things with Emily. Not our fate, I mean. We'd still be strangers sharing an incompatible married life together."

"True."

"You guys should have seen the look in her eyes. Rachel's, I mean. When she saw me at the church, before I married Emily… They kind of told me everything, but I didn't want to believe it then. I thought I was doing the right thing, getting married."

"We know you did."

"I can't believe she's getting married now…"

"You sound just like her when you married Emily. You're right, you do sort of like a dance." Phoebe observed.

Ross nodded, defeated.

-

Later that night, Ross retreated to bedroom with a bottle of wine in hand. He poured himself a glass and then another. After the third, he opened a card box and found what he was looking for, his grandmother's ring. The same one his mother had given him to give to Rachel and about year after that he had had to beg her to be able to give it to Emily. Gladly, Emily had given it back to him, but he hadn't had the courage to give it back to his mother again. It would mean yet another defeat.

He couldn't help but remember the day he went back to his mother's house to give her the ring back, a few weeks after he and Rachel had parted. And all the questions his mother had asked and which he was too ashamed to answer. "_Things have changed_", that's how he'd put it. That's what she said to him when they broke up, after all. Things had changed, forever.

Another glass of wine was poured. Ross was starting to feel warm inside from the alcohol and it soothed him a little.

He recalled all the times he'd thought about proposing to her and all the scenarios he'd played in his head back then. He'd wanted it to be perfect and so he had come up with the perfect plan. He would fill the planetarium with her favorite flowers, put on a romantic song that was part of their history (they had swayed to that tune on the one Valentine's day they spent together) and have the proposal words written among the stars.

It was the perfect plan. If it had ever become reality, that is.

He wondered how James had proposed to her. He must have bought her a diamond the size of her fist, he thought bitterly. That night he would allow himself to be angry. At James, for being with Rachel, _his_ Rachel. At Rachel, for choosing James over him, for stomping onto his heart. But, mostly, at himself. For so many reasons he decided not to list, at risk of hating himself even more.

Well, that was that. Maybe that just made it easier for Ross to move on, maybe he should be glad. He would mourn that night, he would drink and he would eventually pass out and sleep, haunted by subtle yet very cruel nightmares. But then he would wake up the next day, and it would be a brand new day.

---

That's it! It's a short chapter, but I didn't have anything else to add, so…! I am pretty geeky sometimes with the plans I make for my stories! Anyway! Again, thank you so much for reading and even more for taking the time to leave me reviews! They encourage me so much, you have no idea! See you next chapter, which probably won't take long to come!


	16. Chapter 16

**Until It's Gone**  
by Tina

- - -

The best thing about driving to the Hamptons at 2am was the empty road, Rachel concluded. She sped up easily, slightly above the maximum speed, passing by the few other cars she found on the way.

She was listening to one of the few CDs James kept in his car. He had left her the car again and she wondered if it had been exactly for a situation like this, if she wanted to go and see him out of the blue, with an answer to his proposal.

"_Take care, I've been hurt before. Too much time spend on closing doors. You may hate me, but I'll remember to love you..." _

Before long she was entering the village and was glad to see she easily remembered the way to the house James and his business partner had rented. The SUV was surprisingly quiet and Rachel thanked God for that, she didn't want to disturb anyone any more than she had to.

She parked the car and took the key off the ignition. She looked at all the keys hanging from the keychain: the car key, his apartment keys and – yes! – the Hamptons key. She got out of the car and quietly shut the door.

Before going into the house, which looked a lot like the house she had stayed with the gang in Montauk, she let herself pause for a moment and breathe in the salty air very calmly. The moon was almost full and it cast a very beautiful blue light on everything. She could even see some stars and hear the ocean.

But then something brought her attention back to the house, a light. There was someone up. Rachel checked her watch, it was now past 3 in the morning. She tried to figure out what room it was, but her sense of direction had never been her best feature.

Maybe James was having another sleepless night. She remembered a few times when she had woken up in the middle of the night and found him in the living room, watching TV. Too much in his mind, he would say. Then they would undoubtfully make love. She would sooth him and then wear him out, until he was so exhausted he fell asleep holding her close.

She unlocked the front door and walked in. The house was quiet and dark, but she decided not to flicker any light on. She could make out the silhouette of things with the help of the moonlight, which crept in from the skylight along one wall and from a big window on the opposite side. She left her bag on the couch and walked up the stairs.

She was wearing ballerina slippers and they made it easy for her to be silent as they met the wooden steps. When she was half way up there, she noticed the light was indeed coming from James' bedroom, she could see it under the closed door. She walked up to it and took a deep breath.

The whole way there she kept thinking of what she would say to him, repeating her speech in her head over and over again, always adding something new to it. But now her mind was blank and she decided to just make it up as she went along. Yes, it would be better this way.

She raised her hand and was ready to knock, when the door opened and James faced her. She startled a little and then notice how his eyes widened in shock.

"Oh, hey, I was just-" She trailed off when her eyes began wandering and she understood what was going on.

He was naked and there was a beautiful woman she had never seen before watching them from the bed, where she too laid naked on top of the sheets.

Rachel held her breath, she couldn't breathe. She looked from James to the woman and then back to James. He didn't look away, he stared back at her and she could see something in his eyes, he was sorry. But not nearly sorry enough for her.

Rachel shook her head, exhaled in disgust and turned around to leave.

"Ohh, so that's the girlfriend?"

"Wait, Rachel!"

James followed her, ignoring the woman on his bed, and held her forearm. She shook it off violently.

"Don't touch me!" She shot him a look and she hoped all the hatred inside of her could show in her eyes. By the look in his, it did. "Do not touch me with those hands after you're touched-" She looked at the girl, who was looking rather embarrassed, yet was still watching them completely nude, not even bothering to cover herself up. "-_her_."

She turned around again and rushed down the stairs. On the background, she could hear James impatiently telling his company to "get dressed and get the hell outta here!". She didn't care. She didn't care. She grabbed her bag and stormed off the house.

Without thinking, she went straight to his car. She would worry abut getting it back to him later, she didn't care. Keys. Damn, where were those keys? Rachel threw her bag on the floor out of sheer anger, knelt down next to it and started looking for the keys.

Then she heard the door of the house open and close. The girl ran past her and Rachel could tell she wasn't that much affected. Se bet this wasn't even the first time she ran off someone's bed in the middle of the night. She hated that tramp, that long haired girl with big boobs and no self respect. But she still hated James more. He had a commitment with her, not the girl.

Just then she felt cold and wet trails on her own cheek, she was crying. What a humiliating moment, she thought.

"Looking for this?"

Rachel looked up and saw James holding up the keys. He was now wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt. His voice wasn't teasing, it wasn't cruel. It was gentle and caring, as always.

"Give me the keys. Now!"

"Rachel, let's talk about this."

This only made Rachel cry harder. It took her back to a very particular night in her life, possibly the worse she's ever had. And it was happening again.

"What is there to talk about, James?" She found the strength in her to yell at him again and forget about the tears for a while. "You ask me to marry you and then you sleep with someone else. It's perfectly normal, right?"

"Rachel, come inside. Please." His voice was firm.

She suddenly rushed up to him and tried to hit his chest with closed hands, but he held her arms and stopped her.

"I hate you! I hate you, James!"

He was very quiet for a while and held on to her, keeping her close. She sobbed quietly and faced him

"Well, I'm not so crazy about me right now either." He said, his voice very soft and heart felt.

She was quiet for a few seconds.

"Come in. I don't wanna do this out here." He insisted.

She shook her arms off his hold and went inside the house.

She walked straight to the opposite side of the room and kept her back to the door. She controlled her tears and wiped her eyes with the back of her hands. She heard the door close and his feel his eyes on her back for a few silent seconds.

"I didn't mean to hurt you, Rachel."

Rachel closed her eyes and then turned around.

"I bet you didn't."

His face continued solemn.

"I'm serious Rachel. I did not mean to hurt you. You know I love you."

Rachel balled up her hands into fists.

"How dare you say that to me now?"

"Rachel, do you know how lonely and insecure I've been lately? How do you think I've been feeling the past few months, huh? Specially the past few days." His voice was a bit louder now. "I gave you _everything_. I gave you every single thing you wanted and every single think I thought you would want! I let my guard down, I let myself fall in love with you because I thought we were on the same page. You told me I had nothing to worry about, you told me you loved me. And I was stupid enough to believe you. But truth is, you never let me in! You know that as well as I know that."

"James, urgh, you are so damn inconsiderate and you don't listen to me, you don't get it!" She paused briefly, just to catch her breath. "I'm bruised." She paused again. "I'm scarred, I'm bruised, I'm _crippled_ when it comes to relationships. I'm cynical and I wanna spare my feelings so that when **shit** like this happens, and it always does, it will hurt a little **less**!"

"Oh, so from the beginning you knew this was gonna happen, huh?"

"It always does."

"Then why do it, Rachel? You put me through so much and if you knew I was gonna fucking cheat on you, then why do it?"

"I'm asking myself that same question right now."

She grabbed her purse again and was ready to leave, but he held her again.

"No, Rachel… I'm not done."

"Oh, we're done."

He took a breath filled with frustration.

"I wouldn't have done this if I were not feeling so alone, Rachel. I put all my cards on you, I bought you the most expensive ring on the shop, I gave you my heart, I wanted to have children with you. I never wanted that with anyone else. And you fooled me around, you led me on."

"Are you gonna blame this on me? You just **cheated** on me and _I'm_ to blame?"

"You cheated on me first, Rachel."

"What?"

"Ever since Ross came back, you've been cheating on me."

"What?? Are you crazy, James?"

"I'm not saying you're having sex with him, I'm not even saying you kissed the guy. But you want him. You're kissing me different now, even when we make love it's not the same."

"At least I have the decency to break up with you before I do anything."

"Oh, so you're gonna go back to him now?"

"Why should you even fucking care? You were just now having sex with someone else, James! You've lost the right to have any say in my life."

"Is that why you came up here?"

"Yes."

"To _break up_ with me?"

She took the time to answer him. She could see in his eyes that it was starting to sink in. They were not gonna get through this. This was it. This would be their final argument.

"Yes."

James hung his head low and took a deep breath.

"I thought you'd come here to say yes." He looked up at her. "Rachel, I'm sorry."

"James, just... don't. It's too late. I had made up my mind before and coming here just made me feel stronger about it."

"But why? What was it? Did I not love you enough?"

"No, James. You loved me plenty. I just wish I had reciprocated it more. No, you know, what? I don't. You just cheated on me, so don't try to make me feel bad about anything. And you're right, I never really let you in. And now I couldn't be happier for that."

"He cheated on you too."

Rachel took a deep breath and wiped a tear away.

"Stop talking, James. Please."

"On your one year anniversary, right? He cheated on you, Joey told me." He pressed her, knowing he was hitting a sore spot.

Tears rolled down her cheek and she shook her head.

"Don't end it like this, James. Don't make things even worse than they already are."

He approached her, but she backed away.

"But I don't want this to end."

"It's done. Goodbye, James. I'll find a way to give you back your key, I really really need to get out of here right now."

He looked in agony, Rachel could see. But he had enough dignity to nod and let her go.

---

Before one of you says it, I just wanna say that even with Rachel going there to break up with him, it's perfectly normal for her to act like this and be angry at him and cry. It still hurts her pride and her feelings too. She might not love him like he loved her, but she did care about him a whole lot and stuff. I know I would have cried if I were her :P And I do realize she was more dramatic here than she was with Ross. I just think, you know, it's building up in her. It's harder now not because she cared about James more, but because it was happening again and it brought up all those bad memories. Anyway. Hope you liked it. I considered changing the course of the story, because now I feel like I have ruined James and I hate that. I liked him. But I tried to make him as human as possible. Think I failed, though. Oh, well. Men suck anyway, am I right, girls? Haha, I'm just kidding. Sort of! Anyway, enough personal babbling. Please review if you can ;D


	17. Chapter 17

**Until It's Gone**  
by Tina

- - -

Ross woke up in a startle with the ring of his cell phone. His head was still spinning a little from the many sips of wine he'd had before falling asleep and it took him several seconds to understand what was going on. He found his phone and looked at the screen before answering. It was 4:48am and the caller was Rachel.

"Hello." He mumbled hoarsely and cleared his throat.

"Can you buzz me in and open the door, please?"

Her request confused him, as did the tone of her voice, but he decided not to question it.

"OK."

She hung up before he could say anything else.

Ross stood up, turned the lights on and checked himself in the mirror very briefly, squinting and trying to rub the sleep off his eyes. He made his way out the door and crossed the quiet living room thinking Rachel must have called him instead of simply buzzing to avoid waking Phoebe.

"Come on up." He said into the intercom as he let her in, but she didn't say anything back.

While he waited for her, he went into the kitchen and splashed some water onto his face. He drank a tall glass of water and fruitlessly searched for a breath mint.

Knock-knock.

Damn, he realized he'd forgotten to open the door, as she'd asked him to. The knock was really soft though, he doubted Phoebe had so much as flinched in her sleep.

When Ross opened the door, his heart almost stopped. Before him stood a Rachel he'd rarely seen, a Rachel who only showed herself in moments sometimes he wished he could forget - the break up with Paolo, her parents fighting on her birthday party, their own break up. There stood broken Rachel and the sight of her sobered him up immediately.

They looked straight into each others eyes for a couple of seconds and Ross knew then exactly what to do; he opened his arms and welcomed her in a warm hug. She walked into his arms and he felt some of the tension inside of her vanish a moment after their bodies met, in the form of a quiet breath escaping her.

"Let it go, Rach." He whispered, knowing there was so much more she had to drain out of herself, and it was all the encouragement she needed before she broke down into tears.

She sobbed quietly and Ross could feel her tears soaking the fabric of his t-shirt on his shoulder. It didn't matter, of course. All that it mattered was doing anything in his power to make her feel better.

He stroked her back softly. Not sensually, not in any way taking advantage of her vulnerable position. But as a friend, respectfully and lovingly, while she held on to him almost painfully.

A few minutes passed and not a word was spoken. He knew she needed that quiet at first, she needed to get it out of her, cry, ease some of the pain. Slowly, her tears became more silent, her grip less intense and her sobs more sparse.

"Do you wanna talk about… this?" He dared ask.

He imagined her face, now buried on his chest; eyes closed, tearstained cheeks, pursed lips and contracted chin. She inhaled deeply and whispered.

"He cheated on me."

Ross stopped stroking her back and almost pushed her away to look into her eyes, incredulous. His mind raced. His lips parted and he didn't know what to say. He looked down, resumed stroking her back and finally whispered back.

"I'm so sorry, Rachel."

She sobbed again and it made him feel even worse. He was beginning to tear up himself.

"What is it with me, Ross?" Her question seemed genuine, but not accusative. "Why do men cheat on me? Chip, Barry, Paolo, James…" She trailed off.

"Me." Ross added softly, his voice hoarse. It was a very simple addition to her speech from his part, but it spoke more than a thousand words. He didn´t justify his act this time, claiming they were on a break, as he always did. That simple, humble word coming from him meant a lot for her, he could tell it from her silence.

Slowly, she let her arms slid down from his back and took a step back from him so she could look into his eyes. In hers, he saw defeat and thought that might just be the saddest thing to notice in someone's eyes.

"I really am sorry, Rach. You don't deserve this."

"Yet history keeps repeating itself. Is it something I do? Is it my fault?" Again, her questions seemed genuine and not at all hostile towards him.

"Of course not."

"Then why is it that **all** my major relationships have ended the same way?"

Ross looked down.

"Rachel… I can't speak for the other guys who have…" He thought of his words carefully. "…not been faithful to you. I mean, I do think some of them were complete idiots who didn't appreciate what they had. But… I also do know some of us made the worst mistake of our lives and we so badly wish we could take it back." He paused. "Well, at least I know one guy who feels that way…"

Rachel looked up at him, her lips still thin and her tears still rolling.

"What happened to us, Ross?"

Her voice was broken, tinged with hurt, and Ross knew exactly what she meant.

"I ask myself that same question everyday."

She took him by surprise by slowly hugging him again. He slowly wrapped his arms around her and dared kiss the top of her head. She sighed.

"Do you have an aspirin?" She asked. "With all the drama today I've got a killer headache now."

"Sure."

They broke the hug and Ross went into the bathroom, where he found the aspirin. And since he was there, he enjoyed the opportunity to relieve his bladder and brush his teeth.

When he returned, Rachel was pouring herself a glass of water.

"There you go." He said, handing her the medicine.

"Thanks."

He watched as she swallowed it in big gulps, until her glass was empty. She put it down and they looked at each other.

"Are you feeling better?" He asked.

She took some time to consider his question.

"Yeah." She paused. "Yeah, I've made it through before, I'll get through it again."

He smiled weakly.

"No swearing men off this time?"

She smiled weakly back.

"No."

"OK. The male community is glad. We're not all bad."

She nodded.

"I know."

He then saw something in her eyes, something that had nothing to do with James. It gave him butterflies in his stomach. But before he had more time to think about it and waltz with this feeling, she was suddenly very close to him, her body against his, her arms around him and her lips on his.

It felt surreal and simple at the same time. Simple was not something he was used to with her, there had usually always been a big fight, a big moment before they shared a kiss like this. But he liked the change.

He knew she was upset, he knew he could be damaging her more than helping. But he also knew his history with Rachel was by far longer than whatever she had going with James, and he thought that gave him the right to push him aside, to make this moment theirs alone. Specially, because he also knew how much he wanted this, how much he'd been literally dreaming about it for the last year or so.

Besides, he also knew that, unlike most women, Rachel believed sex was the best way to cure a headache.

So he kissed her back. He wouldn't ask, he would simply deliver. He would give her anything and everything she needed from him that night and after it. He could remain just a friend or become her lover once again; he could be her mistake or her future.

Her hands got bold, the fingernails were long and the fabric of his boxer shorts was very thin, which altogether was a very sensuous combination. Rachel kissed his neck and rubbed herself against his groin, drawing a moan out of his lips.

"Bedroom?" She whispered.

He nodded and backed her up into his room. He held on to her hands and took control. Inside, he backed her up onto a wall and kissed her deep and hard, raising their hands together to rest on top of them, against the wall. His lips left hers to kiss her neck, her collarbone and her shoulders. He could hear her breath getting more and more shallow, rushed by her growing arousal. He'd missed that sound so much.

Her skin was so soft. He brushed his lips against it and trailed up towards her face again, nuzzling her neck and then ear with his nose and biting her earlobe softly. As a response, she leaned forward and bit his shoulder softly through his shirt.

He slowly loosened his grip on her wrists and slid his hands slowly down her arms, her shoulder blades, down her back. She let go of his shoulder and looked up at him. Their eyes met as his hands continued their journey down. Rachel smiled and a very warm feeling spread on his chest.

They kissed, this time slower and sweeter than before, but still very thoroughly.

"Mm, bed, now." She whispered in between kisses.

On the way to the bed, they finished undressing in a hurry and wasted no time in further foreplay. Ross was aching to be inside of her and he could tell she was just as anxious.

It was quick, they were both on the verge the minute it had started, so it was enough.

Afterwards, they rested their heads in the same pillow, facing each other. She smiled at him and he couldn't help but smile back. She leaned closer and he closed his eyes. He felt her nose against his before he felt her lips meeting his on a soft kiss.

"Wow", she whispered.

He smiled wider and nodded with his head.

"I know."

They kissed again. He stroked her bare back and cherished the moment, hoping it would never end.

But then she pulled away and part of him expected her to come to her senses then. Snap out of it, get out of bed, get dressed and leave. Yet, she didn't.

Instead, she rested her head against the pillow again and watched him. They were in silence for a few seconds, waiting for their breaths to slow down. After a while, he noticed her eyes turn thoughtful.

"A penny for your thoughts." He offered.

She smiled weakly, but a hint of sadness crossed her eyes. Ross froze inside. "Here we go", he thought.

"OK, there is something I wanna talk about. But you have to promise to be honest with me and not sugarcoat anything."

He propped himself up in one elbow, curious.

"OK, I promise."

She was silent for another couple of seconds and rolled to her back, looking up.

"Tell me about the night you spent with that girl from the copy place."

His heart broke a little. Her voice was soft, almost ashamed. He looked down and took a deep breath.

"What do you wanna know?"

"Everything." She paused. "Well, I don't need details, I just…" She trailed off and finally looked at him again. "Ross, we never really talked about it. Well, not in a civilized way, anyway."

He smiled sadly at her, remembering those first few weeks after their break up.

"OK." He paused, recollecting those thoughts. "As I've told you before, when we were together I was always sort of insecure. Well, very insecure. But before you got your new job it was easier because we saw each other all the time, even if you were working, and things were simple, you know? I knew guys came on to you and all, but I guess I never felt really threatened."

"Until Mark." She added.

"Until Mark." He agreed. "He just seemed like the kind of guy who'd end up with a girl like you. And I know it may sound dumb, Rachel, but… I could see it in everyone's eyes when we were together, the surprise when they knew we were going out. So it felt natural that you'd eventually see it too and…"

He saw a tear roll down the sides of her face, but she said nothing.

"Anyway. How ironic that the person who was unfaithful and screwed up everything turned out to be me, huh?"

She chuckled very softly and very sadly.

"Yeah." She whispered.

"I was so upset that night, Rach. I had so much planned out for us and yet you were always busy, with other things in mind then. I started feeling maybe the timing wasn't right for us. My career seemed solid enough for me to start thinking of getting married again and starting a family, a real family. But your career was just starting and that was all you could think about. So much sometimes I thought you didn't have the time for anything else. And I have to admit I resented it. I said it was "just a job" to you, when I knew it was so much more."

He swallowed hard and continued.

"You were Rachel Green, most popular girl in school, used to always getting everything wanted, never really aspired much except being married to a rich guy. And when you realized that was not really what you wanted after all, you came here to the city to share a small apartment with someone else and work as a waitress… Of course you were thrilled to get a job in fashion, doing something you really loved, that made you feel fulfilled at last. You were proud of yourself. And I was too."

She nodded.

"I was so happy then." She said and brushed a tear away. "I had everything going for me."

He brushed a tear away on the other side of her face.

"I'm sorry I was so annoying that night, bringing that basket to your work, not taking no for an answer."

She didn't say anything, she just nodded.

"And then there was the fight in your apartment… I guess I just kind of freaked out when you said we should take a break. A break up was the last thing I had planned for us on our anniversary."

He laid down again and looked at the ceiling. She turned to her side and watched him.

"Go on." She urged him.

His mind raced a bit, thinking of the best way to approach the whole Chloe thing.

"Joey and Chandler had told me about this party they were going to, so I decided to drop by, I didn't wanna go home. When I got there they were already there, talking to hm, to Chloe."

He looked at her from the corner of his eye. She was watching him closely.

"I talked to the guys and they convinced me to call you and make things up. I hadn't called before because I thought I should give you some time, let everything cool down for a bit. But, anyway… when I called, I heard Mark on the background and… jumped into conclusions. That's when I started drinking."

He felt Rachel pick up his hand on her own and give it an encouraging squeeze.

"Chloe sat next to me and insisted on drinking with me. Too many beers later, "With or without you" started playing and I lost it. All I could think about was how the best relationship I'd ever had had just ended and that you were probably already in someone else's arms."

"So you ended up in **her** arms."

Her voice sounded hurt, but not hostile. He nodded and felt warm tears roll down the side of his face.

"Everything is a blur from then on. The next morning when I woke up, it seemed like just a bad dream, like it hadn't even happened."

"Except she was still there."

"I was in no shape to show her the door, so… Yes, she was still there."

"Do you remember anything about… you know."

"Vaguely. What I remember more vividly were the visions I had of you doing the same with Mark."

"Did you see her again?"

"The next day. I went to ask her not to tell anybody about what had happened."

"So I wouldn't find out."

"Yes. My original plan was to tell you, really. But I talked to Chandler and Joey and they talked me out of it, said it was just gonna hurt you and break our relationship for good. It's not like I was ever going to do it again."

He heard Rachel take a deep breath and looked at her. She was crying again.

"When Gunther told me, I didn't believe him."

"I'm sorry, Rachel."

She nodded.

"I know you are. And I'm not blame free in this whole story, I know that too."

"The letter you wrote me at the beach told otherwise."

"Oh, the letter." She took a deep breath. "Ross, do you know why I wrote that letter?"

"Why?"

"Because I couldn't bear to take my share of the blame. I would hate myself too much for spoiling us."

Ross chuckled sadly.

"That's exactly why I tell myself and everyone that what I did was justified because we were on a break."

She put a hand on his chest.

"It doesn't hurt any less, Ross. If you're in a relationship with someone and right after you breakup the person jumps into bed with someone else, what does that tell you?"

Ross covered her hand with his.

"I'm sorry." He said it again and then realized this was exactly what Rachel was doing. Except he knew he wasn't just "someone else" to her.

"I'm sorry too. And I'm sorry for that letter." She added with a soft voice and snuggled closer to him.

Ross closed his eyes and could hardly believe what was happening. They were talking about the most controversial points in their relationship and instead of fighting they were making up, apologizing. He took a deep breath and smiled weakly, wrapping his free arm around her.

"This is new."

"What?"

"Us not fighting about this."

He felt her smile on his chest.

"Yeah."

Ross noticed his curtains were now tinged with pale blue and checked his alarm clock, it was just past 6am. He would have to be up soon if he was gonna make it to work that Friday.

As if guessing his thoughts, she asked him.

"What time is it?"

"Just past 6."

She yawned.

"I haven't slept all night, I'm exhausted."

"So call in and sleep."

"I can't, I have a really important meeting this morning, I have to be there."

"Then at least take a nap before you go."

She looked up at him.

"I actually had something else in mind."

He smiled at her.

"You know I'm not gonna say no to that."

"I was counting on that."

He smiled at her and they made love again, this time slower and sweeter.

She finally dragged herself out of bed at 6:40am and got dressed, with Ross watching her. She noticed it and blushed.

"What?"

He patted on a spot next to him on the bed and she smiled. Despite herself, she sat next to him and they kissed.

"This was really good." He whispered and she nodded.

"Yeah."

They were in silence for a few seconds.

"Listen, I get out of work today around 5. Do you wanna maybe grab a bite to eat somewhere?"

"Really?" He couldn't suppress the surprise in his voice. Rachel furrowed her brows.

"Why are you surprised?"

"I guess I just thought that maybe…" He trailed off and she took a deep breath.

"Why is it that every time I think we've taken a step forward you do this?" She ran a hand through her hair, frustrated. "Ross, why do you think I was asking you about that night and even that I was here, having sex with you?"

"Rachel, I didn't want to jump into conclusions, OK? I was ready to be here for you without expecting anything back."

By the look in her eyes, it seemed like he'd said the right thing.

"I'm trying to make amends here, Ross."

He nodded.

"Pick you up at 7?"

She smiled.

"Deal."

She stood up again and accidentally kicked the bottle of wine he'd had the night before. She picked it up and held it upside down, giving him a look.

"When was this?"

"Last night."

"All by yourself??"

"Yes." Ross sat up on the bed and looked at her. "Let's just say I was a bit upset with a piece of news Monica had shared with us."

"That I was on my way to the Hamptons?"

"That's it."

Rachel took a deep breath.

"I didn't even tell you."

"Tell me what?"

"That the reason I went over there was to break up with him."

"Really?"

She nodded.

"I thought about us and…" She took a deep breath and checked her wrist watch. "We should talk about it over dinner, I really gotta go now."

"Sure."

He threw on a shirt and boxer shorts. When they exited the room, hand in hand, Phoebe was making tea on the kitchen counter.

"Hey Ross, good mor-" She stopped herself when she realized he had company. She smiled upon realizing who it was. "Hey Rachel. Good morning, you two." Phoebe said in a jokingly naughty way.

Ross looked at Rachel expecting to see a shameful blush on her face, but instead she was smiling and squeezed his hand.

"Good morning, Phoebs. I gotta go now, still gotta get ready to go to work."

"OK, have a great day!" Phoebe called out before Ross and Rachel left the apartment together.

They turned to face each other and laughed.

"Well, I give it 10 minutes before everyone else knows." He joked.

"Ah, who are we kidding, it's always been like this anyway." She shrugged it off.

They smiled at each other and kissed, pouring all their happiness into that kiss.

"I'm so happy." She whispered, after they broke.

"Me too." He said truthfully.

"It doesn't even feel like I was cheated on last night."

"I'm glad."

"OK. I really gotta go now. I'll see you later."

"Definitely."

She took the elevator and he watched her until she was out of sight, before returning to his apartment to face a series of questions from his roommate, he was sure.

---

There you go, finally. I apologize for the delay on writing this chapter, but I've had my reasons. It's just simply impossible to write about love when you become as cynical as I have about it. But it's all good now, that's what life is all about, right? I sincerely hope you guys liked it, I tried to make up for the lack of update! Next one shouldn't take too long to get done, but you never know, life is unpredictable! So leave me a review if you can and see you next chapter!


	18. Chapter 18

**Until It's Gone **  
by Tina

- - -

Rachel opened the door to her and Joey's apartment as quietly as she could. It was still early and she knew his days usually only started after 10. She looked at her watch and smiled, she still had plenty of time to get ready before going off to work. A yawn reminded her that she had to add "buy very strong coffee" to her _to do_ list for that morning.

She then set her keys on the counter and startled when the barcalounger turned around and Monica revealed herself on it.

"Oh, Jesus, Mon! You almost gave me a heart attack!"

"You slept with Ross?!"

"Mon, keep it down, Joey's still sleeping. And wow, Phoebe wasted no time, huh?"

"OK, first of all, the world could end right now and Joey wouldn't wake up."

"Yeah, but his date might."

Monica made a face at Rachel, who waved it off.

"You kinda get used to it after a while."

Monica shook her head.

"Anyway. Second of all… Rachel, what the hell happened? Last time we talked, which was _last night_, you were on your way to see James! How the hell did you end up with Ross?"

Rachel took a deep breath.

"OK, Mon, come here." She approached her friend and led her to the couch, where both took a seat. "I went over there to break up with James, not to say yes to his proposal or anything."

"But Rachel, why? Are you sure about this? You know I love you and I love my brother, but…"

Rachel shook her head and cut her friend's speech.

"He cheated on me. James. When I got there, he was with someone else."

Monica parted her lips, but couldn't speak for a few seconds.

"Then I guess you _are_ sure about this." Monica ran a hand through her hair. "Wow, James? I'm so sorry, honey."

"That's fine… Sure it hurt and I was devastated, but…" Rachel took a deep breath. "I was already going there to break it off, my mind was already made up. Catching him only made my decision stronger! Then I went over to Ross' and he comforted me and we talked and…"

"Are you back together?"

Rachel nodded.

"I think we are. Or we're heading towards that direction, anyway. We have a date tonight, so we're gonna talk this over."

"Wow."

"I know."

"So this is serious. Not like that time at the beach house."

"Yes, it's serious. That whole beach house thing was immature and stupid of us. Well, of me, mostly."

"Good. It was about time you two started being adult about this."

"I know, right?" Rachel beamed. "It was so good, Monica. We even talked about our break up and it felt so good to be honest and civil and get that sorted out. I think we've been through enough to make us handle this in a different way now, you know?"

Monica nodded.

"Well… I'm not gonna say anything else, then."

"Oh, honey, we know the four of you will _always_ have something to say."

"We just want what's best for you!"

"I know. But…" Rachel paused and nodded, with a serene smile on her face. "This is it."

"Oh my God." Monica's words were soft, heart felt. She smiled at her friend and they hugged. "Oh, we have to double date sometime!"

Rachel laughed and nodded.

"OK, sure. Give us about a month, though. I still wanna enjoy my alone time with him as much as possible to make up for all the lost time."

Monica rolled her eyes.

"Oh, whatever."

"OK, now I should go and get ready for work, hon."

"And I should go back to bed. Last night was crazy at the restaurant…"

"We'll talk later."

"OK."

When she was at the door, Monica turned around and faced her friend.

"Hey, Rach?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm really happy for you two." She said sincerely.

Rachel smiled brightly.

"Me too."

-

The meeting that morning was good, though she could swear some of her superiors must have thought she was crazy. She was wearing a wide smile the whole time, which was unusual to say the least at those boring financial meetings.

As her lunch break approached, she thought about calling Ross, but he beat her to it. She smiled to herself when she saw his name on her cell phone screen.

"Hey, you." She said sweetly into her phone.

"Hey."

"You just read my mind, I was about to call you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I was wondering if you had time to go have lunch together."

"Sorry, Rach, but I have a lot to do here today. And if I don't do it now, I'll have to do it over the weekend. And I'm saving my weekend for more important things."

She smiled.

"Well, OK then. Since you have good plans for the weekend, I'll let you off the hook this time."

"But I am calling to talk about dinner and tell you that I've made us reservations at _Laplace._"

"Nice."

"A special occasion calls for a special place."

"Uh, what are we celebrating?" She joked and he chuckled.

"Well, it's accountants' day, didn't you know?"

"Oh, right. I knew I was forgetting something."

He chuckled again, but the sound was interrupted by a beep. Rachel furrowed her brows and checked her screen. James' name was on it.

"Rachel?"

"Yeah, that's James calling me. I'm just gonna ignore it."

There was a brief pause.

"You should talk to him." Ross said.

Rachel considered his words, admiring how much Ross has grown. He never would have said anything like that a few years before. It was very refreshing to see him so sure of _them_.

"You really think so?"

"Yeah. You guys were together a long time… He probably just wants to know if you've changed your mind, if a good night of sleep made you reconsider things."

"But I haven't."

"I know. And he should know that too."

"You're right."

"It's OK, Rach. I trust you."

Rachel smiled.

"Wow. No need for me to walk on eggshells around these things anymore, huh?"

"I'm learning."

"I love you." The words came out naturally, she didn't realize she'd said them until they were out there. It was the first time in a long time she'd said that to him and she was suddenly overtaken by a fear of maybe having said it too soon.

"I love you too." He said back, melting away her fears.

"I'll see you at 7." She said before hanging up on him and taking James' call. She took a deep breath and braced herself for it. "Hello."

"Rachel. Hi." He sounded lost, unsure of what to say. "Wow, I wasn't sure you were going to pick up." There was a pause, but she decided not to say anything. "So… I- I'm sorry, Rachel. I'm just calling to say I'm really, really sorry."

Rachel played with her pen and stared into space.

"James… Everything I said last night still stands. You should stop calling. You may be sorry, and I believe you when you say you are, but it doesn't change the fact I'm pretty humiliated and hurt myself. I don't wanna see you and I don't wanna talk to you. Maybe one day we can be bigger than this and maybe be friends or something, but I don't see that happening any time soon. I don't hate you. And I know I have my share of blame. But, really, this is not the time."

He was silent on the other side, but Rachel could hear him breathing.

"OK. Well, OK, then. I…" He trailed off. "You take care, Rach. I wish you all the best."

He hung up before she could wish him the same.

She put her phone down and looked around her office. It was now lunch time and she couldn't help but feel a little gloomy. OK, well, she could always resort to her infallible gloom terminator plan: shopping. Nibbling on a granola bar, she took the elevator down and roamed the closest shops.

-

It was almost 6 o'clock when she entered her apartment, many shopping bags in tow. When she dropped them by the counter, she was once again startled by the barcalounger turning around. This time, Joey sat on it.

"Jesus Christ! What's with you guys and this chair today?" She said, pressing a hand to her chest, trying to slow her heartbeat.

"Is it true?"

"What, Joey?"

"Everything. James and the cheating and then you and Ross…"

Rachel sighed and nodded.

"Yes, Joe, it's all true."

"But- I mean – how could- And he... And you... And... How the hell did this happen??"

Rachel smiled softly at his protectiveness.

"You tell me. Listen, Joey… I know you must be upset, I was upset too. But this is for the best, everything will settle down now and things will get better, you'll see. Better than before, even."

"But how could he do that to you?"

"I hadn't exactly been the perfect girlfriend myself. It's no excuse, I know. But the blame is not entirely on him. So let's just let it go."

"No! It is not OK! I encouraged him to propose to you, so it is not OK."

Rachel smiled weakly, understanding her friend.

"Joey… There's no way you could have known this was going to happen. You just wanted the best for me, I know that."

"You do?"

"Of course I do, honey."

They hugged.

"I really thought he was the one for you, Rach."

"I know you did."

"I mean, I love Ross and all, but you guys never seemed to get over what happened…"

"We're getting over it."

They broke the hug and Joey smiled at her.

"You are?"

Rachel nodded, smiling.

"Yes. We are."

Joey nodded back.

"Then yeah. I guess it can be better than before."

"It will be. Now I really gotta take a shower and get dressed, honey. Ross will be here to pick me up soon and I have to admit sometimes it takes me a while to get ready."

"A while? More like an eternity."

Rachel ignored his comment, she simply grabbed her bags and went into her room. Once inside, she unpacked their contents: two dresses, three shirts, a pair of stilettos, a bottle of perfume, some lingerie and make up items. She wanted everything to be brand new for that date, from her eye shadow to her heels.

She took a long shower, blow dried and flat ironed her hair, picked her outfit and was beginning to work on her makeup when she heard Ross arrive. She didn't leave her room though, she continued working on her herself and gave Ross and Joey a chance to talk, while she happily overheard bits of their conversation. When she was ready, she exited the room and found the guys drinking beer and watching a game.

"What, how can you say that, Ross?"

"Joey, their defense could really use some help and-"

Rachel cleared her throat and both guys looked at her. Ross trailed off in his speech and the look in his eyes pleased her.

"Wow, you look beautiful." He told her.

She was happy to notice he wasn't looking shabby himself, she could tell he'd made a special effort to look even nicer that night. His clothes too looked new and a bit more sophisticated than what he usually wore. It pleased her not because of the clothes themselves, she didn't care (that much) about what kind of clothes he wore. It was just knowing he'd made the effort specially for her, knowing she would appreciate it, considering her line of work and all – which was something he even made fun of in the past.

"You look good too."

"Oh, thanks." He said, a bit embarrassed.

"OK, now, you have her home by 11." Joey told Ross.

Rachel smiled at them.

"Right."

"And Rachel, don't forget my leftovers."

"OK, Joey."

"And if you could bring me some fries, that would be nice too."

Ross and Rachel chuckled, already by the door.

"Goodnight, Joey."

Outside, they looked at each other and smiled, walking down the stairs together. He held her hand and they walked side by side.

"He seems to have taken this pretty well. Considering." Ross commented.

"Yeah. He's just been very protective of me, specially after I moved in with him."

"I noticed."

"But I am glad to inform you that you have gotten the Joey seal of approval."

Ross chuckled.

"I have?"

"Yup."

"Wow. It's always been a life goal of mine, you know."

She chuckled. They left the building and walked towards a busy street to hail a cab.

"So, guess what I did just now before picking you up?"

"What?"

"I received a mattress at my new home. I also got a microwave, which means I am now officially moved in."

"Moved in and living off frozen goods?"

"Until I can get an over, yes."

"Yum." She mocked him.

"Yes, expect many romantic dinners at my place from now on."

She chuckled again. She then noticed he stopped walking, felt his hand on her forearm, pulling her, and very quickly she was all over him. He pulled her close and they kissed. She closed her eyes and melted into it, wrapping her arms around him and taking an involuntary deep sigh. They pulled apart after a while and she kept holding on to him, afraid she might fall if she let go.

"Sorry, I'd been waiting to do that ever since you walked out of your room."

"Don't apologize."

She kissed him. For some reason, her mind drifted to a night many, many years ago, when she told him Barry wouldn't kiss her in public, when she told everybody her weirdest place had been at the foot of the bed. What a long way she had come, now kissing Ross in the middle of the sidewalk, remembering their first time had been at a planetarium.

She was so happy.

-

Dinner went smoothly. She had promised to visit his apartment afterwards, so became implied they would talk about them only then. It gave them a chance to lighten it up, have fun and relive the drama-free moments of their relationship.

When they walked together into his place, Rachel noticed how it looked even bigger now, without all the furniture they'd seen when they had visited this place together. There were only a few boxes in a corner, but, aside from that, the apartment was empty.

"Wow. It looks bigger than before."

"Yeah. Gonna have to start buying my furniture."

"So what's the deal with the furniture? You had furniture in your old apartment and in the apartment you shared with Emily, I assume."

"Well. Emily made me sell all the stuff from my old apartment, said we should start from scratch, buy everything together. But everything we did have together belonged to the apartment we rented, it was part of the deal, a furnished place. So bye-bye apartment, bye-bye furniture."

"Got it. Uh, I saw this really cute coffee table at Pottery Barn, it'd look great here!"

Ross smiled.

"I love Pottery Barn!"

"Me too! Oh, you should get everything from there!" She started walking around the apartment, looking around. "This is so exciting, you'll get to pick everything that will go in your house. I never had that."

He approached her and picked up her hand.

"Well, you'll help me out here though, right?"

She smiled at him and nodded.

"OK. I know if I don't you'll just fill this apartment with dinosaur knick-knacks, won't you?"

He held a hand against his chest, faking hurt.

"Ouch."

She chuckled and kissed him tenderly. They kept looking at each other lovingly for a few seconds.

"Do you want some coffee?" He offered. "I have some soluble."

She yawned.

"Nah, I don't wanna spoil tonight's sleep. Do you have tea instead?"

"Yeah. I'll go get it for you."

He went into the kitchen and Rachel looked around. She paced around the living room and then went into the other rooms until she found his, where there was a mattress on the floor. She smiled and yawned again, her exhaustion was finally catching up to her as the effect of the many cups of coffee she'd had that day was wearing off.

Slowly, she approached the mattress and laid down on it. It was very soft, but not too soft. Perfect.

When Ross entered the room in search for her, she was almost asleep, but opened her eyes when she heard his footsteps.

"Sorry, I didn't wanna wake you." He said softly.

She sat up.

"That's alright, I was just resting my eyes."

He handed her the cup of tea and she thanked him. She sipped it while he watched her.

"You're tired, Rach, you should sleep. You can stay here if you want or I can drop you home if you prefer."

She smiled at his gentleman ways.

"I'm not going anywhere."

She set her cup down by the side of mattress and pulled him down by the hand to sit next to her. Once he did, they laid down together, facing each other. They kissed sweetly.

"This feels like a dream." She whispered.

When she opened her eyes, she saw him smiling at her and she smiled wider.

"Then don't wake me up." He whispered back.

They kissed again, still very sweetly.

"Ross?"

"Yes?"

"OK, I'm just gonna ask."

"What is it?"

"When we broke up… Were you planning on proposing to me?"

He was quiet for a few seconds.

"Yes."

She touched his chest and looked down at her hand.

"That Christmas we spent over at your parents' house… I saw it when your mom gave you your grandmother's ring."

"Oh."

"For a while I waited for it, but then… I thought maybe you didn't think it was the right time or maybe I was going crazy and had imagined the whole thing."

"I was going to do it on our anniversary." He confessed softly.

"What?"

"Yeah… I kept putting it off because I was scared. This one time we talked about our future, you said _someday_ you'd be ready. I didn't know if you were and I didn't want to rush you. But then our anniversary came and I thought it was a good opportunity. So I had it all planned out. The picnic, we were gonna have that at the planetarium. And I was gonna ask you to marry me there."

Rachel was so surprised she could hardly breathe. He had everything worked out, he had this whole plan and she had to work late? She threw him out of her office?

"Oh my God." She whispered.

"But, Rach… For a long time I felt really bad about this. But now… You know, now I think maybe it was for the best. Not that the past few years have been pleasant, but… I like to think we have learned a lot and changed, for the best. And now, when we get married, if we get married, I don't know, it's gonna be better than it would have been if we had done it before."

She nodded.

"Maybe you're right. Still… I can't believe it. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I threw you out of my office, I was so rude to you."

"Rach, that's fine. I think we're done apologizing."

"You know… Back then, on that Christmas party, I kind of freaked out. I remember you mentioned something about babies again that night and it just made everything worse. But then… I thought maybe I could be ready. There was no one else out there for me and I knew that. I wasn't gonna let you go. So yes, I would have said yes."

"Yeah?"

She nodded.

"But… I understand what you mean. Sure the past years haven't been my idea of fun. Our break up, your marriage, us not speaking for so long…" Looking back on those things, she could hardly believe that they had still managed to make it through and prevail. "But they have taught us a lot. I see a lot of change in you, Ross."

"All for the best, I hope."

"All for the best." She agreed, smiling.

He stroked her hair softly.

"I see a lot of difference in you too. You're so strong. You're so forgiving and grown up. And yet you're still my sweet Rachel from before."

She smiled at this and they kissed. After they parted, he looked at her inquisitionally.

"And now?"

"What about now?"

"How do you feel about it now?"

She smiled, knowing what he meant.

"You'll have to ask and see it for yourself." She answered jokingly.

His look shifted to a point in the mattress between them. She followed his gaze and was surprised to find something lying in the middle of them. A tiny black velvet box. She gasped.

"Ross, I was kidding." She said softly.

"I'm not."

"Oh my God."

She didn't dare moving, so he picked up the box and opened it for her. Inside, was his grandmother's ring, the one she'd only seen from a great distance in the past, but which she'd seen in her dreams constantly.

"I know this sounds crazy. Believe me, I do. But at the same time, it makes all the sense in the world."

She was quiet, while millions of thoughts rushed through her head.

"I have loved you for so long, Rach. And I _know_ you. I _know_ you and you _know_ me. We love each other. We've done this before and it was amazing. And we've fixed the things that made it stop working, or at the very least we're working very hard on them. I'm not saying we need to get married tomorrow or anything, but… This is just a symbol, Rachel. Because you're more to me than just a girlfriend. You already are more than that. I just want to highlight what's already there."

She nodded. How could she not after this speech?

"Yes."

He almost gasped, bewildered.

"Really?"

"Really, yes." She said with tears in her eyes. "You're more than just a boyfriend for me too, Ross. You're more than anything I've ever had before. And I wanna marry you one day, of course I do."

They kissed blissfully.

"May I?" He asked, holding up the ring.

She chuckled in an emotional way and offered him her hand.

"Of course."

He slipped the ring down her finger, it fit perfectly, and she could hardly hold her emotions. 'Oh my God, I'm engaged!', she thought to herself.

"Wow." She whispered. "If things felt surreal before, I don't know how to describe this moment."

He stroked her hair and nuzzled her neck.

"I know what you mean."

"I'm engaged." She said, wanting to hear herself say the words our loud. She liked the sound of it.

"I didn't get down on one knee." He said, remembering this detail. She laughed as she realized they were still lying on their sides, facing each other. "Damn, I wanted this to be perfect."

"Honey," She stroked the back of his hair. "it _was_ perfect."

---

This is it, guys! I know this sorta feels a lot like the end of "Beautiful Release", but oh well! I hope you enjoyed my story. There will still be an Epilogue, which I wasn't counting on before but am now set on writing. It's gonna be short though, just a little addition to wrap things up and leave no loose ends. As for other stories, I still haven't made up my mind. For the moment, I unfortunately have no intention of starting another one anytime soon. But don't be surprised if I do. Thank you for reading, from the bottom of this very humble heart of mine! And thank you for all the caring words, you have no idea how much they mean to me. A special thanks to everyone who has followed this story from the very beginning, many years ago, and who has always been very patient with me! I have written 11 chapters in like 4 months, which is not too bad for someone who works 10h/day and still tries to have a normal social life, right? :) LOL! Anyway, enough rambling…! Take care!


	19. Epilogue

**Until It's Gone  
**by Tina

- - -

Rachel woke up just after 6am, took a deep breath and stretched, feeling beads of sweat rolling down her back. Damn, it was hot. Summer seemed to be getting each year worse than the previous.

She turned around and looked at the little crib right next to the bed; the only fan they had was being monopolized by it. Rachel got up slowly and looked into it, at her angel peacefully sleeping. It was OK, her little girl deserved it.

A faint breeze came through the window and gave her an idea.

She went back to bed and kissed Ross' shoulder.

"Honey?" She whispered.

"Yeah?" He replied, only half awake.

"Listen, I'm really hot so-"

"I'm so tired, Rachel…" He whined.

Rachel almost rolled her eyes.

"I mean I'm literally hot. So I'm gonna go outside and take a walk at the beach, OK?"

"Oh. OK." She noticed disappointment in his voice. "I could have been persuaded, you know?" He said.

She chuckled.

"I know. Watch Emma."

"I will."

She kissed him on the cheek and went to change from her light pajamas to a simple bikini set with a pair of tiny jeans shorts.

Once outside, Rachel stretched again and breathed in the salty air, feeling now a bit chilly. There was something about this ocean breeze against her skin that always gave her goosebumps, specially so early in the morning.

She took a walk for a few minutes, taking her time, keeping a slow pace. The beach was deserted, it was just her and the birds that lazily flew just above the water, sometimes looking like they were standing still.

After a few minutes, Rachel felt a bit tired – she felt tired easily these days – and decided to take a break. She took a seat on the white sand and faced the ocean.

It was all really peaceful. The sun was weak, but she felt its faint warmth. She hoped for a tan so she could brag about it in the office on Monday. Everything was quiet except for the sound of the waves, which almost lulled her back to sleep. She watched them move towards her and back, almost hypnotized by the movement.

Off in the distance, she noticed a male figure approaching and apprehensively watched the tiny person get bigger. One could never be too cautious these days.

"No way." She whispered to herself when she noticed she actually knew the person who was drawing nearer and nearer. When the man got close enough, he too got a surprised look on his face. Rachel stood up and smiled despite herself.

"Rachel?"

"Oh wow! James, oh my God!"

Rachel hugged him.

"I haven't seen you in ages."

"I know. God, how are you?" She asked.

"I'm good." He answered earnestly. "I'm doing really good, Rachel, thank you."

"I'm glad."

His eyes surveyed her discretely and focused on her exposed prominent stomach. She felt the eyes and covered her small bump with a hand, her smile broadening. Their eyes met again and he smiled back at her.

"I can see you're doing good too. I'm happy for you. How far along are you?"

"Just past 22 weeks now. My little boy. Got a little girl already, Emma. She's turning two in a couple of weeks."

"Really? Wow."

"Yeah… How about you? Kids?"

"Yeah, three boys."

"Three? My goodness!" Rachel chuckled.

James laughed.

"Yeah, my little monsters. You know how I really wanted kids and was ready for them… Jackie and I didn't waste much time before the first one came."

Rachel nodded.

"I knew you'd find someone who was as ready as you were, James."

He nodded back.

"Yes. When a door closes, another one opens, right? And at the end things turn out for the best."

"So true."

"So, what's up with everyone else?"

"Well… Monica and Chandler got married a few years ago. They just adopted twins, a boy and a girl, and moved up to Westchester. Joey moved to L.A., he's going for the big bucks over in Hollywood and we all miss him terribly! Phoebe also got married, just a few months ago. And Ross… Well, I guess you wouldn't be too surprised to know he's the father of my kids. We got married a couple of years ago."

James nods.

"That sounds about right to me."

Rachel bit her lips.

"James… You told me you were sorry a thousand times when we broke up. But sometimes I fail to remember if I ever told you the same."

James shakes his head.

"Rachel, it was not your fault, what I did was inexcusable and-"

"No, James…! I have my share of blame and I'm claiming it. In the end, the outcome was the best for you and for me, yes. But still. We both know I made mistakes back then. I was so confused."

James nodded, knowing what she meant.

"Alright. We were both to blame."

"Thank you." She told him, with a serene smile.

"You're a weird lady." James joked and she laughed.

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"As you wish." He paused, looking happily thoughtful. "Last time we spoke you said maybe one day we could be able to do exactly what we are doing now. I'm happy for that, Rach."

She nodded.

"Me too."

A peaceful silence rose between them, until Rachel checked her watch.

"I think everyone's waking up right about now. We all came here for the weekend, even Joey came over. We rented a house so we could all be together, since it's been a while since we all got to hang out and stuff. Do you wanna… Do you wanna come and see them?"

For a few seconds, James considered her words and then nodded his head.

"Sure, why not?"

They started walking together in the direction of the house.

"So what brings you to the Hamptons? I hope you're not still working on that remodeling thing."

He laughed.

"No, no… Not that one. I bought a beach house here after that first job I took here. We started getting a lot of jobs around the area and I got pretty attached to this place too. It's peaceful."

"That's nice."

"Yeah. It's where I met Jackie. And it's nice for the boys, they can run around the beach, kick balls around and stuff. It's a kind of freedom they don't really have in the city."

"That's true. So how old are they?"

"Matthew is now three, Timmy just turned two and Lucas is still our little baby, he was born in May."

"Aw! They must be so adorable."

"Maybe one day one of them will steal little Emma's heart."

She chuckled.

"Maybe. And I'm sure she'll be a very lucky girl if that ever happens."

-

Ross was picking up Emma from her highchair when he spotted Rachel and James approaching the house through the kitchen window. They were laughing together and Ross couldn't deny he felt a little jealous. However, he'd learned to deal with his jealousy over the years. More than ever, he trusted Rachel and what they had together. Therefore, there was no need to give voice to that feeling, to feed it and possibly get into a fight with his wife.

Emma simply wrapped her tiny arms around her dad, feeling too sleepy to notice her mom approaching.

"Isn't that James?" Chandler asked, also looking through the kitchen window. "Wow, what a coincidence."

"Yeah."

"What? James??" Monica asked and joined them with Erica on her hip. "Wow, look at that!"

Rachel noticed they were being watched and waved, still walking towards the house.

"Phoebe, Joey, we've got company!" Chandler called out from the kitchen door.

"What, who is it?" Phoebe asked, walking in with Jack on her arms and Mike by her side.

"It's James!"

"What? Rachel's James?"

"Rachel's James?" Mike echoed. "Who's that?"

"It's this guy Rachel almost married before she got back together with Ross. You know, after he spent a year without talking to her because of his British wife." Phoebe summed it up.

Mike got a confused face and shot Ross a look.

"You guys have a weird history."

Ross chuckled.

"You haven't heard half of it!" Phoebe said, laughing.

"You think Joey will be OK with this?" Chandler asked.

"Well, if Rachel is, I don't see how he couldn't be." Monica said.

"Hello, have you _met_ Joey? He kept saying I was on probation for 6 months after Rachel and I got back together." Ross said.

The kitchen door finally opened and Rachel and James walked in. Upon seeing her mom for the first time that day, Emma squealed on her father's arms and called out to her.

"Mommy!!"

"Oh, honey-honey, hi! Good morning, my angel!" She picked up Emma from Ross' arms and in the process kissed him lovingly on the lips, a serene smile on her face. It touched him a bit, she looked happy. "Look what the tide's brought, guys!"

They all greeted James more than pleasantly. Just as well, Ross thought, they had all been very close in the past and if Rachel had forgiven him, there was no need for them to hold grudges against the guy.

"So where's Joey?"

"I think he's taking a nap again." Phoebe said. "And _someone_ may have covered him up with sand and turned him into a mermaid again." She said through giggles.

"Phoebe, there's no sand inside like that other time."

"So?"

"So James!" Chandler started, changing the subject. "How have you been my man?"

"Pretty good, thanks. I got married, had three kids. Can't complain."

"Aw, congratulations." Monica chipped in.

"Yeah. Rachel told me you guys also got married and had two kids. Are these them?" He asked, looking at Jack and Erica.

"Yes." Monica beamed proudly. "This is Erica and that's Jack."

"They're adorable. I'm sure you're a great mom, Mon. And Chandler… well…" He trailed off, jokingly.

"Thanks." Chandler said.

"Just kidding, man."

While they chatted, Rachel turned to Ross.

"Has she had breakfast yet?"

"Yup, we just finished, right Em?"

"_Wight_!"

They high fived and Rachel chuckled. Emma looked at her mom and laughed with her, even though she didn't really know why she was laughing.

"OK, now let's go to the floor 'cause mommy's tired, you're getting so big."

Rachel put Emma down. The little girl hugged her mom's leg and looked up at the tall stranger.

"Who _aw_ you?" She asked curiously.

Rachel looked down at her and smiled. James too smiled.

"I'm an old friend of your mom's."

"Oh."

"Before you were even born." He added.

"That's a long time ago." She said matter of factly, earning chuckles from everyone. Ross smiled proudly, their little girl was so smart.

"Yes, a long time ago." He agreed.

"Do you like puzzles?" She asked him.

"Mm, I'm not a particular fan." James said in a funny way, talking to Emma equal to equal. It was clear he did have experience with kids though, he must be a very present father, Ross thought. "But you know who loves them? My sons Matthew and Timmy."

Emma looked skeptical.

"Boys smell."

Everyone but James chuckled again, but Emma ignored them.

"I promise my boys are clean and don't have cooties."

She still looked skeptical.

"_Weeeally pwomise_?"

"Cross my heart and hope to die."

Emma smiled.

"OK. Would they like to come _ovew_ to play?" She asked. Then she lowered her voice, leaned closer to James and added. "The babies _awe bowing_…"

Everyone tried hard not to laugh again, she had not been quiet enough.

"If it's OK with everyone…"

"Of course it is." Rachel said. "Bring Jackie and the boys and we can all spend the day together."

"Alright, I'll-"

"Damn it, Phoebe!" Joey stormed into the kitchen, rubbing sand off his arms. "Why the hell did you cover me-"

He trailed off the minute he noticed James, crouched down next to Emma. They exchanged looks and James stood up.

"Hey Joey."

"Hey." Joey mumbled uncomfortably.

"Uncle Joey!! Do you know my mom's _fwiend_ from _befowe_ I was born??"

"Yeah. Yes, Emma, I know him."

"His sons _awe_ gonna come and play with me!"

Joey looked down at Emma, for a moment forgetting all about James.

"What? But you promised we'd built a sand castle together today!"

Emma took a deep dramatic breath.

"But I'm _tiwed_ from the hole we "digged" _yesteday_!" She whined. "I wanna do puzzles!"

"This is all your fault." Joey said, looking at Ross, who exchanged looks with Rachel and smiled.

"So Joey… Could I have a word with you in private?" James asked.

Joey looked around and everyone was giving him encouraging smiles, specially Ross and Rachel. With that acknowledgement, he nodded.

"OK, sure."

"How 'bout we take a walk on the beach?"

"Sure."

"I'll come by later with the kids and Jackie then."

"We'll be waiting."

They said their goodbyes and Joey and James left. They gang looked at each other.

"Wow, that was unexpected." Monica commented.

"I know! I was just on the beach and there he was."

"Was it weird seeing him again?" Phoebe asked.

"Mm… Actually, it wasn't. It was really nice. He remembered that last time we spoke I said hopefully one day we could get over this and be friends. And now here we are."

"That's nice."

"Mommy, _awe_ his kids nice?"

Rachel took a seat on a chair next to Emma and stroked her hair.

"I don't know, honey, I don't know them. But they must be."

"If they kick me like Evan I kick back, OK?"

Rachel nodded.

"OK, honey. Now what do you wanna do before they come over, huh?"

"Mmm…" Emma looked thoughtful, before she had an idea. She gasped and lighted up. "Aunt Phoebe, can we make music again?"

"Sure! Come on, kiddo, let's go get my guitar."

Emma left the kitchen with Phoebe and Mike, skipping around and singing the birthday song Phoebe had written for her on her first birthday.

Rachel laughed and looked at Ross, who was smiling, while Monica and Chandler got busy with the twins. Ross looked back at Rachel and they smiled at each other for a while.

"That kid cracks me up." She said.

"I know, right?"

"So… You up for a dip in the ocean?" She suggested and he smiled.

"Sure."

They held each other's hand, said goodbye to Monica and Chandler and left through the kitchen door.

As they put their feet on the now flaming hot sand, Rachel jumped up.

"Ouch, that's too hot."

With no warning, Ross let go of her hand and picked her up on his arms, while Rachel giggled.

"Better?"

"Much."

They kissed sweetly and then he kissed her belly.

"How's Ross Jr. doing today?"

Rachel rolled her eyes.

"You know we're not calling him that."

"It's all we've got so far. And if things go as they did when Emma was born…" He trailed off.

They reached the sea and he walked in without letting her go.

"You know what?"

"What?"

"Don't tell Monica, but I'm sorta liking the name Daniel."

Ross laughed.

"As in the name she wanted for her kid? We've already stolen Emma from her, Rach, come on…"

"Well, she had a chance to use it and she didn't, she picked Jack. Doesn't sound to me like she really wanted it…"

Ross was quiet for a second.

"Daniel. Ben, Emma and Daniel." He paused. "You know what, I like it."

Rachel smiled and kissed him again. He stopped walking and let her go, the water was now on his chest. A wave came and they dove under it together, hand in hand. When they resurfaced, she wrapped her arms around his neck and he held on to her waist. She smiled, feeling salt on her lips, the sun on her skin, the man she loved against her and their new baby in her belly.

She closed her eyes and saw Emma, her blonde hair shining like the sun and her rosy lips in a smile, as it usually was. She thought of their house, of their wedding day, of her job and everything else in her life. There was nothing else she wanted, there was nothing else she could even think of asking except for keeping things as great as they were.

"_Everyday, in every way, is getting better and better…" _He sang softly, as if reading her thoughts.

Rachel turned to look at him and nodded.

"My thoughts exactly."

The End

---

That's it. I just felt like having James appear again and I wanted to see Emma in my story :) Hope you enjoyed it, thanks for reading!!


End file.
